What is codependency? You've definitely heard the term before, but it can get overused - so, what does it actually mean?
A codependent relationship can happen with many people in your life - a romantic partner, your family and your friends. The common threads woven between them are the patterns of behavior - and the dysfunctional relationships that result.
According to Mental Health America, codependency can be recognized as:
...an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.
While codependency is not recognized as a mental health condition in the DSM-5 (a tool and reference guide for mental health clinicians to diagnose, classify, and identify mental health conditions.), it can have very negative effects on their lives when someone is codependent. It's also important to note that for those struggling with it, treatment is definitely available.
The concept of codependency is an unhealthy relationship with another person, such as your partner, parent, friend, and so on.
There are various characteristics associated with it, such as:
Many times, codependent people will find themselves in a relationship with someone struggling with an addiction to alcohol or drugs. In fact, some experts state that the two attract each other for various reasons. The relationship may go well for a while, but eventually some toxic or unhealthy behaviors will arise.
There may be a lot of:
As a result, a whole lot of emotional pain can ensue.
For the people with codependency, they may feel stuck in a relationship that is not going very well. They may even want out of the relationship but can’t seem to end it. They may feel afraid of being alone or don’t want to hurt the other person.
The one struggling with addiction may feel the same way. They may or may not be aware that their addiction is playing a role in the unhealthy relationship. They also may not feel strong enough to reach out for help or end the relationship.
Either way, they’re both living with quite a bit of inner conflict and pain.
Over the years, codependency has taken on a much broader definition. However, the commonality at the root remains characterized by an unhealthy way of relating or negative patterns associated with relationships in general.
The term "codependency" has been around for decades. Originally coined among the addiction recovery movement, it was used to describe someone who was compulsively favoring relationships with chemically dependent partners, or, people struggling with drug or alcohol addiction.
Therapists were discovering that when couples or families were coming in for counseling for addiction and substance abuse, the loved ones displayed some unhealthy ways of relating.
They coined the word “codependency”, listing a variety of characteristics associated with such.
A person was considered codependent if they were:
By the 1980s, the term evolved to mean someone who was chronically attracted to or in a relationship with an addict or a narcissist and that it exists in many different types of relationships, from friends and family to romantic relationships.
Codependency is a problematic relationship orientation that involves the relinquishing of power and control to individuals who are either addicted or who are pathologically narcissistic. Codependents are habitually attracted to people who neither seem interested nor motivated to participate in mutual or reciprocal relationships. Hence, the partners of codependents are often egotistical, self-centered and/or selfish. Typically, codependents feel unfulfilled, disrespected and undervalued by their relationship partner. As much as they resent and complain about the inequity in their relationships, codependents feel powerless to change them. - Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC1
Of course, we hear this term all the time now. But at its core, codependence is a negative feedback loop.
According to Psychology Today, codependency refers to a relationship in which one person overlooks their own needs (The giver) to take responsibility for the needs and feelings of the other person (The taker). They often feel worthless unless they are needed and sacrificing themselves for the other.
For example, let’s say Danny has a substance use problem and is being treated as an alcoholic.
His wife, Mary, is also struggling with an addiction – people pleasing. She spends a lot of energy being a caregiver - catering to Danny’s wants and needs, so much so that she loses herself and regularly enables him to keep drinking.
Her needs go out the window because she's so caught up in wrapping her world around her partner.
The dynamic of the relationship is unhealthy, with codependency at the root.
Donna talks about her husband outside of the relationship quite often, worrying with her friends that he doesn't love her and may be cheating on her. She finds herself riddled with insecure thoughts, concerned about what he may be hiding from her.
Her husband keeps to himself for the most part and does not emotionally commit to her, being uncommunicative about how he feels, where he goes and generally not paying her much attention.
Donna is unaware that she is stuck in codependent behaviors. No matter what her husband does, she does not feel loved. In fact, she feels very insecure most of the time.
These behavioral patterns have a terrible effect on her mental state, and she feels stuck in a negative loop of not feeling worthy, looking to her husband, who is not providing support in the way she needs, to fill the void, and being left disappointed again and again. She feels like none of her relationships work, but doesn't know why.
When Donna begins seeking professional help, she will notice a pattern of attracting men who aren't emotionally available to her. This unavailability causes her to feel really insecure, a core wound that began for her at a young age, and will effect her present and future relationships if left unresolved.
People with codependent tendencies may very well have learned them from their own parents.
One person may have been raised without knowing how to properly set boundaries, so they grow up with one or both parents controlling their lives, not knowing how to say no. (Or not feeling safe enough to say no.)
Another person may find themselves taking on too much in their relationships, and after some self-reflection, be able to tie it back to a childhood where they lacked support and approval. They take on caretaker roles, or go out of their way to prove they are worthy of love, or to find the acknowledgement they lacked growing up. They often just don't see the consequences of their behavior.
A codependent parent may exert excess control over a child’s life, with an intense need for their child to need them, approve, and give recognition to them. A codependent parent may not be in touch with their emotions and may be in denial about their behavior or true feelings. - Medical News Today
Controlling behavior
Believing the child is incapable of making their own decisions, despite their age, being resentful when they don't take your advice or help.
Lacking a sense of self
They may be uncomfortable just being themselves, so they adjust their behavior to fit into different social situations.
Low self-esteem
Trouble making decisions, valuing other's opinions and feelings over their own, not being able to identify their own needs.
Parentification
The parent may rely on the child for support, instead of vice versa. The child is put into a situation that is beyond their age, like caring for their parent or siblings.
Denial and avoidance
They may sacrifice their relationships with others due to their codependent connection with their child. They may not be able to display emotion and dodge conflict to avoid arguments.
Difficulty enforcing boundaries
They may make excuses for bad behavior and help their child get out of trouble instead of addressing and getting away from them.
Fear of abandonment
They may go to great lengths to avoid feelings of abandonment and try to hold on to the relationship, and can have issues adjusting to change.
The person in a codependent relationship may very well come from a dysfunctional family background and, through no real fault of their own, display many of the same traits as their parents, then mirroring that relationship with their own kids.
Parental Codependency: When Love Becomes a Burden→
We all want to help people out. It's normal to care about the needs of others. But it's important to remember that people pleasing goes beyond the normal way of relating. People pleasing is marked by doing all sorts of things for people in order to feel a sense of worth or get affirmation from them.
You busy yourself complimenting people, trying to please them in a variety of ways. But you're not doing these behaviors just because you are an angel. You're doing them with an attachment to get something back from them that you feel is missing in your life.
It's usually the feelings of self-worth or unconditional love. The problem with this is that when you spend your time people pleasing, you set yourself up for disappointment.
You set yourself up to say, “I did all of these things for you and this is what I get in return?” And you walk away angry, hurt, and frustrated.
It’s important to have internal and external boundaries. Having healthy boundaries in your relationship will save you both from a lot of negative emotions.
For example, let's say your partner enjoys putting you down for some reason. They may belittle you or take their frustrations out on you. Or maybe they’re just a jerk.
Either way, a healthy boundary on your end would be to sit down with them and say something like,
“Hey, this is not acceptable. I require that you respect me, and if you can’t, well, this will be a deal breaker for me.”
For someone who is struggling with codependency, they may have a tough time setting that boundary or keeping it if they do.
5 Important Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries with Others & Stick to Them →
Caretaking is a characteristic of codependency. When someone comes to you with a problem, you feel the need to fix it so badly that you run yourself ragged trying to do so. It’s “caring” in order to get something back from others, rather than caring out of compassion or empathy.
Caretaking is different than caregiving. We should be caring and help others out. However, it helps to know what your motive is.
Knowing your answer to these questions can help you identify if your need to take care of others is being taken to an extreme.
When the fear of abandonment is running under the surface, it can cause you to do some things that aren't great for your relationship.
Obsession and jealousy are two examples. If your whole life is revolving around your relationship, this this could be a codependent characteristic. If you find jealousy popping up a lot, and it's really not warranted, that's another characteristic.
This goes hand in hand with losing yourself in the relationship.
If you don’t have a sense of “self” and base your identity around others, you’re overly dependent on them. This goes for intimate relationships, as well as friendships or parenting.
Many people find it hard to keep the balance when they are raising their children. They lose their sense of self as they focus on their kids, so when the children grow up, they hit a brick wall, wondering, "Who am I?"
Not being able to communicate your wants, personal needs, or emotions is another characteristic of codependency.
Someone who struggles with codependency loves to feel in control.
When they can control their environment, they feel more secure. They may also try to control others, because when they can, they feel safer. This may keep them from taking risks or letting loose. They may be told often to, “loosen up and have some fun”.
Codependency's become a buzzword in recent years.
There are many people labeling themselves as codependent, regardless of whether addiction is in play or not. Some may have codependent characteristics, but many may not. They may simply be struggling with some unhealthy relationship dynamics.
If you happen to be struggling in your relationships, learning more about codependency will be a benefit. If you are the person in the relationship struggling with it, then it’s helpful to understand the emotional and behavioral aspects, so you can start changing unhealthy patterns.
As you gain insight into the personality traits or behavior patterns that are not serving you, you can then address them and modify them to help you relate in healthier ways. This can certainly help you enjoy better, healthier relationships!
If you answered yes to at least one of these, know that there is hope for you. Codependency is more common than most people think, but there is a path you can start walking that can help you overcome this kind of relating.
“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” -
Being in a toxic relationship can cause both partners a lot of inner pain. However, that pain can be used as a prop to lead you to a new path – a path toward learning more about codependent behaviors and overcoming them.
Plenty of people recovering from codependency will tell you they started out full of negative emotions and plenty of pain. However, once they really started walking the recovery road and doing their inner healing work, they started managing and overcoming that pain.
No one is born codependent. In fact, we were all born perfectly whole, yet over the years some of us develop poor coping skills and our emotional growth was stunted. But we can recover that pure, perfectly whole spirit that we once were!
Recovery is an option you can take and run with it. As you take steps in the recovery process, you will feel less crazy with emotions like fear, anger, depression, and insecurities.
Recovery from codependency may include any or all of these elements:2
The more you progress in your recovery, the less crazy you will feel. You'll begin changing unhealthy behavior, develop tools to address the issues that brought you to become codependent, and start to see the path forward more clearly.
You'll began growing in ways you never thought possible!
How I Overcame My Relationship Struggles: Codependent's Anonymous Really Helped→
If you have a relationship dynamic that is very dysfunctional and you’ve tried on your own multiple times to work it out, it’s time to face your pain and the toxicity in the relationship.
The good news is that there are many people willing to help you.
If you’re struggling with codependent characteristics, there are treatment programs and support groups to help you, such as:
These groups are designed to help you start to really focus on you and your life, working through any issues you may be struggling with and getting your life back.
Every person has a different road to healing and growth. Working with mental health professionals, engaging in family therapy, or talking to a marriage and family therapist can help as well, as these are the people who specialize in this area of expertise.
What works for me might not work for you, so you have to carve your own path. Try various methods for inner childhood healing, addressing unhealthy partner or family dynamics and healthy emotional development. If one therapist doesn’t seem to be helping, you may need to find another, but make an honest attempt with each.
So often, we want that quick fix, but that just isn’t possible when you’re dealing with a lifetime of hurts, negative coping skills, and so much more.
You’re not crazy, but you may be repeating some less than sane emotional cycles. When you learn to repress how you really feel the majority of your life, of course it will be hard to reverse that! The important thing to note is that overcoming codependency is possible and within your reach.
Growth takes time!
Any kind of recovery takes some time and effort, but once you begin the road to recovery, you’re on your way to learning how to have a healthy relationship with yourself and others.
It will require some effort and time on your part, but it’s certainly possible. If you’re struggling or if you know someone else who is struggling, it’s time to take your first step toward recovery. Reach out for help today.
These are just a small list of codependency characteristics. Did you see yourself in any of them?
If you can relate to some of these, you may want to learn more about codependency recovery. There are various options to help you deal with what’s going on under the surface that has you relating in codependent ways.
Don’t let codependency keep getting the best of you. Too many people just give up when they could be growing and learning new ways to handle problems in their relationships.
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