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Member-only story
Crossing the Intersection of the Lost Trans and Queer Childhood
Dismantling the traffic jam of grief to move forward
“Are you ok in there, Em?”
I stood in the changing room, mouth pursed in frustration and holding a bra. Even on my best days, my hands and I rarely get along. Any finer handiwork is a consistent ordeal — like, say, hooking together tiny clasps behind my back.
Perhaps sensing the bat signal had lit, Jake stopped outside my changing room. Given that we’re both transitioning in opposite directions, we’ve offered one another a leg-up on more than a few occasions.
The first time he wanted to shave his face, he planned to do so with nothing but hot water. A not-impossible task, I told him, better served by a quality lather and some post-shave moisturizing. One of the few things about manhood I’ve internalized for necessity’s sake is the art of a close, irritation-free facial shave.
This time, standing in the changing room, I was, and admittedly often am, the one in need of a little coaching.
“Actually, would you mind coming in? I don’t think I can get this on.”
Experiencing puberty as an adult is strange.
Until I stepped into the changing room, I had been a purely sports-bra kind of girl. Easy to slip on and clasp-less, their simplicity was addicting. Plus, the first time I went bra shopping was a disaster: Jake and I fruitlessly hopscotched between stores, only for me to order a batch online once I had a rough idea of my size.
In all honesty, I was afraid of a painful repeat. Trying on bra after bra, only to come up empty no matter where I went, induced a hearty dose of dysphoria. I know it’s never easy for any woman to find the perfect fit . For trans women, it feels like a pointed reminder about our birth sex.
Then progesterone came along and, like a practical fairy godmother, whacked me with the growth-spurt wand. I’m not complaining — plenty of trans women opt for the hormone for this exact reason, me included. Still, it felt bizarre to wake up one morning after a campout and notice my bra felt a little tighter than usual.
