French DJ Martin Solveig doesn’t know what hit him. After flippantly asking the world’s first female winner of a Ballon d'Or, Norwegian Ada Hegerberg, on stage and in front of the world, if she knew “how to twerk,” he found himself an overnight sensation—of the not-good kind. The global media and twitter-sphere have had a field day accusing him of being a sexist dinosaur. He apologized, but his defensively self-referential first attempt was so lame it only dug him deeper into the hole he’d so unconsciously dug for himself.
The result? An opportunity for all of us to learn from his mistake and move towards a more "gender bilingual" conversation. And a parallel risk that many men will see this as evidence of an ongoing witch hunt of all mankind. Resentment can yield to denial and then a slippery, backward-sliding backlash. In which case, there will be no conversation, and angry men will continue turning to a growing number of macho autocrats who use their anger to fuel their rise. Or simply avoid women altogether.
So, before we all collectively sharpen our knives, why not pause the outrage and offer some education instead. Because Solveig is not alone. Unlike the chairman of Ryan Air, David Bonderman, he wasn't trying to be intentionally insulting. Nor was he, like the wave of Weinstein-like harassers getting cleansed from companies, a dangerous and violent enemy of women.
Solveig seems more like the vast majority of men, stuck between legacies of millennia of male domination and a rising tide of women and men declaring Time’s Up. He’s just more visible than most men struggling to adapt to an environment that is changing faster than their footing to navigate it is. And while this behavior needs to be challenged, there seems to be a certain delight at howling loudly and indiscriminately at everything from clumsy idiocy to heinous acts (from both women and more evolved—or schadenfreude-loving—men). It may feel good in the moment, and there is clearly a need to tell women’s stories and shed light on the issues at hand, but collective outrage won’t change the men who face this wrath. Instead, it could make them worse.
Men often have no idea how their words land on many women (often not even on their own wives). They haven’t had to—until now. Nor do many have any idea of the growing impatience of women at their ineptitude and/or disinterest. I attended a conference last week featuring two British female icons, Mishal Husain, the presenter of Radio 4’s Today program, and Martha Lane Fox, founder of lastminute.com. During the Q&A, a kindly older gentleman stood up to say he had two grown daughters and was concerned that they would be promoted because they were women, rather than because they were good. His concern was that surely that wouldn’t be good for them and could lead to a backlash against them.
His is the kind of comment and question I hear every day from male managers in companies across the globe. It is typical of where many men are today in thinking about gender imbalances and power. Most women think they should be further ahead than they are. Martha Lane Fox turned on her hapless questioner, in front of an audience of smart, impatient young women, and with practiced precision, incinerated him for his backward framing. She won an easy round of applause--and an unnecessary enemy. He could have been turned; instead he was burned.
There’s a better way to invite men to join in building a mutually beneficial, gender balanced world. On the road ahead, we’re going to need every potentially enlightened man on the planet. (If anyone thinks women will be able to rise on their own, they haven’t been watching the last decade’s gender reports – or global elections.) Engaging men in the conversation means meeting them where they are, understanding why they are there, and inviting them to become men their daughters and sons would be proud of. Three suggestions for any brave man reading this:
- Get with the game: Acknowledge that the future is more gender-balanced than the past. Celebrate that this might actually be a good thing for everyone. Get that this might require as many changes from men as it has from women. Anchor your ability to convince other men of that fact. Be thrilled for your daughters – and your sons.
- Become "gender bilingual": Educate yourself. Just a bit. Read Deborah Tannen and Grayson Perry. Be curious. Ask the women you know what they think about it all. Then ask the men you know the same question (often harder). Make it a topic of conversation at work. Embrace the questions, invite feedback, celebrate the insights. Don’t get defensive, get good. It’s a 21st century survival skill.
- Role model for other men: Recognize that men are all over the map on their thinking and reactions to gender issues. Choose your camp and invite other men to do the same. Show what it means to promote gender balance—at home and at work. Don’t just applaud your daughter’s football wins. Wipe your son's tears and teach him empathy and gentleness. In my work, we label men "progressive, patient or plodding." Which will you be? How will you live it?
And next time a woman anywhere in your life becomes the first woman to achieve something no woman has ever done before in your family, in your company or in your country? Don’t invite her to "twerk", don’t share the moment and don’t try and shine. Just get out of the picture and applaud. You’ll be fine.
