'Because I said so!' Psychotherapists reveal seven phrases parents should NEVER say to misbehaving children - while detailing a three-step process for halting a tantrum immediately

  • Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright are the authors of Now Say This: The Right Words to Solve Every Parenting Dilemma
  • Their new book shows parents how to navigate their children's tantrums in an empathetic way using their ATP model: attune, limit set and problem solve
  • Turgeon and Wright strongly advise against using certain parenting phrases such as, 'Because I said so!' and 'Why don't you listen?'
  • The authors explained that they suggest parents are not taking their children's distress seriously and will likely exacerbate bad behavior

When children are misbehaving, most parents' knee-jerk reaction is to reprimand them, but two psychotherapists insist that there are certain phrases that should be avoided at all costs.

Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright have teamed up to help parents navigate their children's tantrums with their new book, Now Say This: The Right Words to Solve Every Parenting Dilemma

Speaking with The Independent, the authors warn that many of the common phrases that are used during times of frustration are likely going to exacerbate bad behavior and potentially cause communication problems in the future because they suggest parents are not taking their children's distress seriously.

Think again: Psychotherapists Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright have revealed the seven phrases parents should never use when disciplining their children

Think again: Psychotherapists Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright have revealed the seven phrases parents should never use when disciplining their children

While disciplining a child, Turgeon and Wright both strongly advise against using the following phrases:

  1. 'How many times have I told you not to do that?'
  2. 'I've had it with you!'
  3. 'Why don't you listen?'
  4. 'If you don't turn that off now, no dessert tonight!'
  5. 'Stop crying, you're acting like a baby!'
  6. 'Because I said so!'
  7. 'Shake it off. You're OK.' 

'In difficult moments, it’s critical to resist our knee jerk instincts to reprimand, speak sternly, isolate or in any way, shut down communication,' they explained.

Avoid: Turgeon (pictured) and Wright said phrases such as, 'Because I said so!' suggest parents are not taking their children's distress seriously and will likely exacerbate bad behavior
Avoid: Turgeon and Wright (pictured) said phrases such as, 'Because I said so!' suggest parents are not taking their children's distress seriously and will likely exacerbate bad behavior

Avoid: Turgeon (L) and Wright (R) said phrases such as, 'Because I said so!' suggest parents are not taking their children's distress seriously and will likely exacerbate bad behavior

'If you’re struggling, it can help to ask yourself what you want most from the person closest to you in your distressed moments and what you sometimes get from that person that you don’t like.'  

Turgeon and Wright suggest parents follow their three-step approach, which they call the ATP model: attune, limit set and problem solve. 

New book: They are the authors of Now Say This: The Right Words to Solve Every Parenting Dilemma

New book: They are the authors of Now Say This: The Right Words to Solve Every Parenting Dilemma

The authors claim that the method can be used for a variety of behavior issues, including tantrums, non-cooperation, bedtime resistance, sibling conflict, and arguments over screen time.

Giving a example of a child crying and refusing to leave a toy store, the psychotherapists said parents should first crouch down, make eye contact, and tell their children that they understand why they are upset.

Next, they needs to limit set and calmly explain to their children why they have to leave, saying something like, 'It's time to go pick up your sister.'

Finally, parents should problem solve and come up with some sort of compromise that will motivate their children to behave, like holding their hand and singing a silly song as they leave the store.

Turgeon and Wright stress that above all, parents should be empathetic to their children's distress, no matter how irrational it may seem to them at the time. 

'Our experience and decades of research tells us that when parents are both empathic and consistent, children are more likely to tap into and grow their innate, sense of right and wrong, rather than only do the right thing out of fear or when someone is watching,' the authors explained.