Halloween is one week away, and you know what that means: It’s time for the annual collection of utterly confusing Halloween costumes that are meant to be sexy, but are mostly just... confusing.
Note: The criteria for inclusion on this list isn’t that the outfit is “slutty.” We’re not going for “all this skin shameful” as much as we are “what is going on here?” Our focus is on costumes where names and other changes to avoid copyright infringement have taken a weird turn, where the physics is baffling, and/or where the actual topic of the costume is a bad idea... or a downright offensive one.
Upside Down Honey
Fuck you, Yandy. This fucking thing—which popped up when I was doing my usual perusal of the offbeat hilarity that is your costume section and then forced me to wonder who the fuck wants sexy Eleven from Stranger Things?—is one of the worst costumes I have ever seen, in years of compiling costumes for this blog. This is a child. I had my usual collection of offensive costumes on this list: Men’s Naughty Native, a take on a sexy Punisher, the forever offensive “Asian”-themed one, but this wins. We’re going to have fun with the rest of these, but, in all sincerity: Fuck the people who made this thing.
Model Wife, Fake News, Blast Off
Ooooh, edgy. The first two are kind of newsy and topical. Why... are they sexy? What purpose does this serve? Is it commentary about, like, the news media begging for attention? WHY. For “Blast Off,” is this a reference to a meme I don’t know? Is it... is it Nyan Cat?
Yoshi , Pac-Man Ghost, Catch Me Mousy
Some vastly different approaches to video games here. First up is the Yoshi, whose design choice for the hands/gloves are truly inexplicable. The hands haunt me. They’re attached to her head. The Pac-Man Ghost is for all those times you looked at the ghosts in Pac-Man and thought “I bet they’re hot as women.” The hair pin’s pretty cool though. As for “Catch Me Mousy”... the name is worth everything. And then it has a tie and fishnets. God it’s so good.
Dancing Sewer Clown, Mortal Mermaid, The Phoenix
Ah yes, the scary character most in the zeitgiest right now: Dancing Sewer Clown. Everyone knows how iconic Dancing Sewer Clown is. Why, there are generations of kids afraid of clowns because they saw Dancing Sewer Clown in a movie. Mortal Mermaid is for when you want to be a mermaid, but also goth. Or possibly a mermaid that has been pulled out of the mouth of a cartoon cat. And then... a truly half-assed phoenix look.
Sexy Blue Buddy, Big Bad Wolf, Sexy Bookshelf Elf
Look. If you’re gonna be Smurfette, you’ve got to bite the bullet, paint yourself blue, and deal with the resulting mess and clean-up. The second one up here is from my favorite genre of costumes: Ones you can simultaneously freeze and overheat in. And last... sexy Elf on a Shelf. I hate the intrusion of Christmas onto my Halloween browsing, but I also picked this picture because the back of this really goes the distance. There are so many layers of flounce on that elf ass.
Yellow Floral Embroidered Sexy Belle, The Brute, Beastly Beauty
This Belle costume looks more like just a dress Hot Topic would sell as part of its Beauty and the Beast line, including the whole missing chunk in the middle and the way the much brighter yellow bit in the middle is straining to hold those heavy flounces on the bottom to the barely existent top. The Brute has got fur coming out of holes that appear to be right where his nipples should be, and on his hands, but not on his guns. Gotta show those off. And Beastly Beauty combines so many wonderful things. It’s a costume ripped strategically to show more leg so it’s “sexy,” and it has a just generic enough name to be recognizable but also not legally actionable.
Ruthless Galactic Warrior, Sexy Slave Princess, Such a Trooper Movie Character
The world of knockoff sexy Star Wars costumes continues to be a delight. And by “delight” I mean that it’s always way, way weirder than I expect it to be. They always evoke the costume they’re based on, but they’re also wrong enough to leave your head hurting. Also, the mask on the last one terrifies me because it cannot be comfortable enough to breathe in.
Sexy Northern Queen, Evil Devil, Miss Witchcraft
You wear NOTHING, Jon Snow. Yeah, this is not going to keep anyone warm north of the Wall. I’d like to commend this devil costume for eschewing horns on the head and the color red; in fact, it eschews any and all signs that this is the devil at all. Meanwhile, this witch’s leather romper is bunching in decidedly uncomfortable ways.
Bulky Sheep, Mr. Pilot, Lace Bullfighter
Literally nothing in the world has made me happier than discovering this line of sexy men’s costumes. For too long, women have dominated the cheap-looking, anatomically questionable, maddening, ready-to-buy Halloween outfits. Sexy men’s costumes weren’t that outlandish, and many a man wanting to be sexy had to make his costume sexier all by himself. NO LONGER. Does a torn-up flannel on a sheep make any sense? Nope. Is it a feat of genius to make a tie turn into a thong? Yes. ALSO WHY EVEN BOTHER WITH THE EPAULETS IF THE ELASTIC STRAPS ARE GOING TO BE SHOWING LIKE THAT? This is the true spirit of Halloween, people.