Earlier this week a man vowed to play piano non-stop in public until a girl he’d dated for four months went back to him.
One Twitter user summed up everyone’s reactions when she wrote: ‘Men, women are allowed to leave you. You are not entitled to a girlfriend. Media, stop romanticising controlling, stalker behaviour.’
The stunt was not well received, and he ended up getting punched in the head by a member of the public.
Sadly, this kind of disturbing behaviour is normalised far too often – and it can often leave victims of stalking and harassment second-guessing themselves, or wondering if they should seek help. Especially when, as in the majority (45%) of cases, the stalking is being done by an ex – someone you may feel that you knew well and trusted.
If you’re concerned that you’re being harassed or stalked, don’t suffer in silence. There are ways you can get help.
First, here is what counts as stalking
There is no exact definition of stalking, because perpetrators will often use a number of different methods to harass their victims.
They could be regularly sending you unwanted flowers or gifts, texting and calling you repeatedly, turning up at your home or workplace unannounced, damaging your property, or physically or sexually assaulting you – or a combination of some or all of these.
It isn’t always physical either. If they’re emailing, calling and texting you, it can feel just as invasive as if they started following you home.
The key thing is, if what they’re doing is persistent – that is, it’s happened two or more times – is clearly unwanted, and is causing you fear, distress or anxiety, then it is stalking.
And it is illegal
Stalking is a criminal offence, and it has been in England and Wales since November 2012.
If your ex is threatening you with violence, then there is a more serious offence of ‘harassment with fear of violence’.
Stalking: The facts
- Anyone can be a victim of stalking. A survey of more than 2,000 victims found that victims’ ages ranged from 10 to 73, they were male and female, and were spread across the entire socio-economic spectrum
- However, a large proportion – 38% – were professionals
- Stalking can last anywhere from one month to 43 years
- The average length of time, however, was between six months and two years
- According to a report by Dr Lorraine Sheridan, and published by the Suzy Lamplugh Trust, the duration of stalking tends to increase as the stalker’s emotional investment in the relationship increases. This is one of the reasons stalking from an ex partner is considered to be the most dangerous
Take a note of what they’re doing
One immediate thing you can do, which will help the police when you report it to them, is to keep a diary of the harassment.
Write down the date, time, location, and details of every instance of harassment that you experience. You should also note down information about any witnesses who can corroborate your account – for example, if your colleagues saw your stalker come to the office, or the office receptionist received packages or flowers from them for you.
Keep copies and screenshots of letters, texts, emails, missed calls, and any other online messages, such as Facebook Messenger, Twitter DMs or WhatsApp messages.
If you can do so safely and discreetly, try and gather ‘evidence’ of anything that happens at your home – although you shouldn’t do anything that could make things worse, such as pointing a camera in your stalker’s face. If it’s not safe to do so or you’re worried about what might happen, don’t risk it.
Try to protect yourself
As well as all of the above, there are some small changes you can make to try and protect yourself from stalking online.
If possible, you should:
- Make your social media posts only visible to friends and not to the public – this obviously applies to Facebook, but should also apply to Twitter and Instagram
- Stay aware of posts that are geo-tagged on social media, and make sure geolocation services are disabled on your phone
- Google yourself regularly to check your digital footprint
- Don’t use the same password for all of your accounts – try using an app like LastPass to keep track of different passwords, and make sure they’re all secure
- Keep your antivirus software up to date
- If you think your phone or computer has been hacked, stop using it immediately and take it to computer repair experts or your phone provider for advice
- If you have an Android phone, download an app like Call Recorder to keep track and save recordings of any calls you answer
Report it to the police
If it is an emergency and something is happening at the time – for example, the stalker is in your house – call 999.
If it’s not an emergency situation, however, don’t call 999. Call 101 instead, and you will be put through to your local police force.
You can also report crime in person at your local police station. Find the address and telephone number online, or in your local telephone directory.
Give officers as much detail as you can
Remember those notes you made earlier, that diary you kept, those screenshots you took? This is where it all comes in handy.
Make sure the police have as much information as possible about how your stalker has been harassing you.
And – most importantly – make sure that they are aware of any threats of violence.
Speak to Victim Support
Once you’ve reported it to the police, officers will also offer to put you in touch with Victim Support, an organisation that will give you advice and emotional support as a victim of crime.
You don’t have to wait until you’ve reported it to the police, though. You can also contact Victim Support directly if you need advice before you call 101.
To contact them directly, call their hotline on 0808 16 89 111. Lines are open 24/7.
Or call the Stalking Helpline
There is a national stalking helpline for victims of stalking and harassment to get help and support.
It is run by Network for Surviving Stalking, Protection Against Stalking, and the Suzy Lampugh Trust.
The number is 0300 636 0300, or you can email them on advice@stalkinghelpline.org.
If you don’t want to call the police, you can call a solicitor
If for any reason you don’t want to call the police, you can also contact a solicitor and begin civil proceedings if necessary.
If successful, you may be awarded damages, and/or an injunction.
HOWEVER: if your stalker has threatened you with violence on any occasion, it is crucial that you contact the police.
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