David Toussaint is a 53-year-old writer from New York. He is the author of four books and is a former editor at Conde Nast. His work has appeared in Instinct magazine and the Huffington Post, among many other sites and publications.
Related: Turning 50 was the best thing that ever happened to this DILF’s dating game
David writes about everything from sex and dating to agism and slut-shaming in the gay community, all through the lens of a daddy.
We had a chance to interview him about those things and more. Check out what he had to say…
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You recently wrote an op-ed about how turning 50 and becoming a “daddy” was kind of the best thing to ever happen to your dating life.
I’m a late “hot” bloomer. It hit me the day that I had two men ask me out in an hour’s time, and they were both beautiful and sweet. That happened to my straight friends in high school. When I came to New York, in my 20s, it never happened. I’m not saying that to brag, but to explain the experience. I never would have anticipated this kind of attraction 20 years ago. The same men who would have ignored me 20 years ago ask me out a lot. Why do they want me now? I don’t know. But I wanted other people to know this so they realize that attractiveness can extend beyond 50.
Did you ever think you would wake up one day and suddenly be a “daddy”?
The first time I was called a “daddy” I was 37—he was 27. I explained to him that I was only ten years old than him, and then I realized it was more a state of mind than actual age issue. I grew to like the phrase, in huge part because I have always been attracted to older men myself. I didn’t have a dad growing up, either, so it’s flattering that someone sees me in that image. I like to take care of men, emotionally. I like to make them feel loved. I’m very protective of men I date. Perhaps that’s all the label means. I don’t play games with men. But, I have to add, of course I never expected I would be called this because when I was young all I thought about was getting AIDS. No one ever really paid attention to life after 50. We paid attention to life after the end of the year.
Would you say the guys who are suddenly interested in you are primarily looking for sex, a relationship, or both?
Sex first. That’s the Grindr era at work. We all flip out our phones and get those bings for immediate gratification. But I get asked out too. The reason why it’s less is the percentage of gay men my age are already in relationships, perhaps open, but relationships nonetheless. Young guys are afraid to ask me out. Many men my age who are single are very jaded because of past relationships and that makes me very sad. Of course, I do want to meet Prince Charming. I’ve never given up that dream.
Why do you think so many gay guys in their 20s, 30s, and even into 40s fear the idea of getting older?
I think gay men fear getting older and of being left alone. For the younger generation it’s probably different because they’re getting married and having kids and building families. We didn’t do that. We didn’t have that opportunity. If you’re not the most beautiful man in the world at the age of 30, be happy! For beautiful men (and women), I often think getting older is much harder because that thing that defined them—their face—is no longer gong to sell them. So, if you do look like Channing Tatum, make sure you have a personality to fall back on because you’re going to need it eventually. And personalities are far more sexy than biceps.
What is the rudest thing anyone has ever said to you about your age?
Someone called me gramps once, and it was said just to be mean and catty. It was a guy at a bar. I said “thanks for making my day,” and laughed. But it hurt. The quandary today is that, as has often been reported, young men either love dating and having sex with older men, or they’re insulted if you look their way. But when I was younger men were much crueler to me when they rejected me, so perhaps there is some respect for your elders thing going on. I hope so.
You also wrote an op-ed about slut shaming in the gay community, and about how so many gay guys look down upon men who aren’t in committed monogamous relationships.
When I read the comments it was as if I’d said beastiality and necrophilia and gang-rape were OK. And all I’d written was that casual sex can be great. Gay men, in many respects, are starting anew. With that we’ve almost developed a 1950s mentality, in which you date a few times, meet the right man, get married, and have kids. Period. The end. That’s fine, but it’s not exactly practical for everyone. Its complete 180 from the ’70’s, when men did the opposite. Then AIDS happened, and men started being more relationship-oriented. Then gay marriage happened, and we got even more relationship oriented. But the whole judgement thing has got to go.
Whenever I hear a gay man put down another gay man for having causal sex I’m reminded of what the straight guys in high school would say about girls who “slept around.” Whores, easy, place to get STDS, etc. We love to feel superior to others in this world. Sometimes a young guy will say I must have “missed the boat because I’m single,” and I want to say, “You do realize that when I was your age there was no boat. And how do you know my boat didn’t die of AIDS”? It’s very ignorant behavior. Haven’t we had enough people beat up on us so that we don’t want to repeat the pattern?
There’s nothing wrong with being a slut!
Let’s admit it: Sex is hard to resist. Everyone knows that. I’m not gonna freak out if I have sex with you unexpectedly and then see you the next day at the gym. When I was a kid, that was always so awkward. Now I realize it’s just sex. Apps have made supply and demand more obvious too.
I write a lot about sex, not because I know a lot about it, but because I don’t know a lot about it. It’s one of the most frustrating, confusing, complicated things humans face. And we are not particularly evolved in the area. We’re rather screwed up, sexually. And that’s from 2,000 years of Christian suppression. Sex is everywhere. Everywhere. We need to admit that, accept it, and work from that angle.
Related: Back that ish up: This guy is not here for your petty slut shaming
Kangol
Another great interview. Many of the single and open-partnered guys I know over 50 receive attention from younger men (20s to 40s), especially if they’re fit and out in the community. People of all ages crave connection and intimacy, and it’s good to see an affirmative article about a middle-aged gay person, which most of us will become if we make it past 30, and most of us do.
ChrisK
Yeah, I agree. It’s good to see these kind of stories every now and then instead of the day after day of twenty somethings and their narcissistic selfies.
Frank
It is GREAT but if the 50 year old is shunning others in his same age group then he is a hypocrite and this sadly what happens especially if the 50+ year old is in shape and/or perceives himself worthy of attention from the younger minions…
ChrisK
I kind of felt that too Frank. Like he quickly dismisses the older guys as being out of the dating pool and not available and then talks up all the twenty somethings hitting on him.
I looked him up a bit. He wrote another hard hitting article about dealing with having a really big dick in the gay community. That probably helps get the twinkies attention. Lol
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-toussaint/does-talking-about-my-big_b_9358310.html
Frank
His last paragraph…
Gay men have always played up the parts of them they find attractive; their hair, their biceps, their six-packs, their legs, their butts. The penis should be no exception. As the expression goes, if you’ve got it, flaunt it. I now do so, without vain-shame, and the next man who tells me about his size fixation should be prepared for a big surprise. Whether or not that makes me a prick is up to you.
No David, it makes you a dick…anyone who talks about their dick size that is not connected to hooking up for sex (which I suspect is what you are all about)…is an utter and total dick…
I mean how do you work that into a conversation, ” How long have you lived in NY?” and you reply..”My dick is big therefore I have stayed here for the past 4 years.”…
David is about sex first and discovering the human qualities FAR down the line and that is fine but do not think that you are a revolutionist when in fact you are just a horny man.
davidtoussaint
To Frank, I LOVE dating men my age. I prefer dating my age. I’ve always been attracted to men my age, even when I was in my 20s. It somehow was left out of the piece or didn’t get discussed, but my point was, they are harder to find because they are in relationships or married. I don’t know how old you are, but the number of available men in my age range is small. UNLESS you are just talking about sex. Many of them are in open relationships, but that’s only for sex. I’ve written about that too. Nowhere in this interview did I say I prefer younger men. If I write that they ask me out or hit on me, I’m often put down (by some men) for something that is, to a certain extent, beyond my control. I’m attracted to men of all ages, so I’m not going to limit myself as to whom I go out with. I will add that I’ve never had a serious relationship with anyone more than five years younger than I am, and the last two men I dated were both older than me. Thanks for your comment. –David
tdh1980
Frank, you took that entire passage out of context to “prove” a point which David never made about penis size. I read the whole post, and that was not the gist.
geb1966
To Frank, NOWHERE in this article does he shun men his age. At one point he even says he has always been attracted to older men. Way to read your own insecurities into the article. You sound like the typical jealous queen who resents a man who is accepting his age and what ever comes with it, god or bad.
throwslikeagirl
What irks me: being ironically called “young man” by service people, even bartenders in gay bars, who should really know better. I’m 68 for goodness sake. I own it, and am even proud of what I’ve accomplished in those years, but why call attention to it? “Sir” works just fine. “Dude” if I’m in a hipster place makes me feel included. If I was a service person, what would happen if I walked up to an overweight person and said, “May I help you, fatty?”
throwslikeagirl
Another thing that irks me: I smile and say hello to people all day long. I’m friendly, but sometimes it’s simply a matter of good manners. If a guy happens to be young and cute, my brief contact doesn’t mean that I want to have my way with him and be a lecherous old man. A smile and a brief, “Good morning”, even in the sauna at the gym, should be greeted with the same, not with a frown and turned head to the ground, or worse still, a subtle “no” shake of the head. It’s hurtful, maddening, and rude. A simple acknowledgement that I exist and am not invisible or something to be feared is all that’s required.
ChrisK
That’s actually kind of weird and also very condescending. I’d make a point not to tip them.
Doug
Thanks for those observations, I’ve experienced both of them. Often if I even make eye contact in passing from a 20 or 30-year-old at the gym I’m scowled or smirked at. There seems to be this general attitude that these guys are so hot that they’ve decided that every older man is automatically is trying to get them into bed just by being friendly. It’s entitled, it’s rude, and it’s isolating. It’s also interesting that a lot of these guys are not anything special to look at… it really makes me wonder if they feel better about themselves if they can look down on older gay men because they’re probably getting the same thing from guys their own age.
Frank
Everything can be a fetish and when you speak thru that small lens you are a chair with three legs…he is speaking as a 53 year old man who is NOT walking thru the day attempting to live like he is in his 20s.
If someone wants to find you attractive they will…but make no mistake that people like Colton Haynes and Tom Delay who are dating/married to older men do not aspire to have anyone who is TYPICAL…they want someone who is older but embodies ALL of the youthful appearances and traditions that they are currently embracing…
Could you imagine Colton/Tom dating someone who said NO I will be on Instagram and/or taking selfies…that would not work for them…the regression that these men have to embrace to be at the same table with these younger men is quite telling…from clothes, manners, socialization and the list goes on and on…
Lastly, many gay men did not date and have LOTS of regression so they are coming to terms with this fact at a later age and therefore it is all about taking your place where you best fit. There are many gay men 50+ who NEVER dated and they have a distorted view of themselves and the expectations out here in the world.
ChrisK
Not typical as in not making anything less then a 7 figure salary and opportunities to advance yourself. You could have all the youthful appearances in the world but not as a middle class shlub. Those boys know their boy toy value very well.
Bob LaBlah
From the article: David writes about everything from sex and dating to agism and slut-shaming in the gay community, all through the lens of a daddy.
This is a silly suggestion but I am going to say it anyway to Queerty, the guy featured in this article and to anyone else who writes books or is in publishing. Why not write an article on gay people who were right at fifty years old during the financial meltdown of 2008 and lost not only their pensions, careers and credit but whom are now struggling in every aspect of life as they near their golden years? Believe it or not a lot of homeless people are gay men and women who did not become homeless because of drugs, incarceration and such. They simply fell thru the cracks and because they face the same situation as others are having a hard time returning back to those pre-2008 meltdown ways of living.
I really do think there is too much focus on age here these days of late with every other article pertaining to sex and dating. Don’t any of you have financial problems or know another gay person that does? Sheesh. Ok your getting some and the other fifty year old isn’t. This is sounding more and more like gloating in the worst way.
Frank
Agreed…there is MUCH more affecting gays than having sex…all this author seems capable of writing about is getting laid after 50.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/7-reasons-why-my-being-gay-and-over-50-is-tragic-according_us_58c18277e4b0a797c1d399ee
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/im-a-slut-youre-a-slut-were-all-sluts-so-shut-up_us_59aee523e4b0c50640cd6263
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/daddy-issues-are-we-the-lost-generation-or-the-greatest_us_598496dce4b0f2c7d93f5531
There is this blatant and enduring lie that ALL gays are doing well and not suffering for all the reasons that you have mentioned and many more.
I agree that many gay men and women have suffered and lost money, health and homes not because of discrimination (YES it happens) but because of bad planning and life in general.
This is completely overlooked and understated; therefore shame and ignorance continues to be pervasive in the gay community.
Bob LaBlah
Frank, I thank you for your comment. Its really sad that EVERY gay oriented publication avoids the topics of the day that effect EVERY one living in the United States. Healthcare, sky-high rents, non-living wage paying jobs in cities such as San Francisco, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago…..etc. Never one word. Or if there is the gay person or couple is a high wage earner. I do NOT knock anyones success but in todays world there are more of us struggling to make ends meet with no future at all to look forward to than there were twenty years ago.
Did you hear the Village Voice recently let go ALL of its staff? Not one word about it was written because it had nothing to do with bra’s, panties, sex or discrimination of some form. I swear some times I wonder if Mormons are running gay publications. I mean it. Its clear not a one of them (gay media) wants to talk about issues of substance effecting working class gay men and women. Why didnt they get together to coordinate a response to the recent attempt to ax Obamacare while knowing three quarters of us can’t afford ANY healthcare practically is beyond me. I’ll never understand them (the NEW gay culture and its inhabitants).
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/22/nyregion/village-voice-to-end-print-publication.html
Sam6969
That man (David) seems fit and he embodies the strong top male daddy. Not sure an aged shrimp bottom daddy would have the same success…
Frank
You under-estimate the power of money and “fame” to your equation. Just because he has crafted his body to meet the desired effects of “sex” his mind and heart seems to not have been as “buffed up” and strengthened.
David as I see him is someone who is and has spent most of his life looking thru the rear-view mirror instead of driving his life forward and not being distracted by the “pretty things” in the side view mirrors (which are always larger than what they appear) but rather all eyes forward on the road which is life.
Sam6969
Well, I would certainly not judge him for the choices he made, since I do not know what is good for him. Do you?
From a certain point of view, many of us may consider him lucky for being able to engage in relationships with young men, may it be short or not.
What makes you think that “looking in the rear-view mirror” is not a way for him to make up for lost time (many of us did not have the chance to live our youth like straight people) and resume the maturing process, at his own pace?
As to the power of money and fame, it surely influences the attraction process, but it would certainly not be enough if he was ugly, as he is not that rich and famous. His male energy, looks and fitness seem pre-eminent in the seduction process.
Frank
But when you look in the rear view mirror more than the road in front…YOU cause harm…I see him as being very focused (from his writings) on sex and not embracing the layers of life that are present whether you have dated or not. I guess for me I hear my father “everybody will sleep the promiscuous person but no one wants to be seen with the promiscuous person in the daylight”…be careful of the pattern of behavior that you start because it can be hard (I see it all the time) to remove that view especially in the gay world.
Regret is a tragic mistress!!
Sometimes the notion that you need to spend YEARS to make up for lost time is just permission to be a perpetual petulant adolescent and that for me does not wash…
However, I completely agree that many gay men did not have a chance to date. Please note: I am 49 raised in Chicago…knew I was gay at 15 and embraced it..had a rough go being from the inner city and black but I dated or at least tried to during high school (oh Edward) and college (my first boyfriend Patrick)…now I have been married for 14 years and I accept that reality…
As far as the power of seduction that has always been a selective and objective power that I can attest to…while, others have found me desirable I was not lacking in self-esteem or looks…however, I did not want to be someone’s conquest nor did I want to conquer someone else. I needed to be equal as so to be seen and see them as whole individuals…
Stefano
“however, I did not want to be someone’s conquest nor did I want to conquer someone else. I needed to be equal as so to be seen and see them as whole individuals…”
You are so right Frank ! And that is exactly what’s wrong with many gay men…they see other guys like a “trophy” and that’s why they focus so much about dating and looks. In fact, they are exactly like the Sraight guys they hate.
I had the chance To be consider ugly by most of the gay men I knew ! So I focused on other things like Arts, Science (mostly Astronomy), etc. And it’s one of the reasons why I didn’t enjoy being with other gay men; I prefer Straight guys or women (all my friends are heteros).
middletonk
Wow! There’s a lot of anger here. Maybe some people not getting enough sex???
I’ve been gay my whole life but never accepted it until recently. I was in a hetero marriage for years. When I came out I started dating and experienced a whole new life. I’m on some of the apps. I say some because I’m sure there are so many out there that I haven’t heard of. I get contacted by a full range of men but I have to say it is predominntly younger men – I’m 53. David, we should meet!!!
I can relate 110% to what David is writing about. I’ve experienced the same thing. I’m active and tone but by no means have a body builder’s physique. Younger men are attracted to me and it’s kinda hot – and so is the sex! Do I want a longer-term relationship? Absolutely!!! However, relationships take time and you have to work through it. It will happen eventually.
I think everyone is blowing David’s articles way out of proportion. David writes about sex – sex sells – but there’s more to his articles than just sex. Also, I highly doubt that David is having sex with different guys 3 or more nights a week. Let’s admit it, he’s a great looking guy (at least I think so). Looks are the initial attraction in any relationship – gay or hetero. It develops from there. Stop all the hatin’ and try to find some positive things in the articles you read.
radiooutmike
Gee, I’ll be 50 next week.
Guess I can look forward to non-stop sex from guys 20-30 years younger than me! Oh wait, I’m not a wealthy former editor for Conde Nast, successful author or general buff dude. I guess the only way he could feel ageism is from the gay community.
Personally, I find other gay men more uptight about my weight than my age.
Geeker
The title of this article should have been You’re Never Too Old To Be A Slut.