Shortly before she reached retirement age, Marie Burke’s husband had a stroke. After a week in intensive care, he was moved to a care home to aid his recuperation. So that he didn’t have to go into care permanently, Burke (not her real name) agreed to leave her job two years early and become his full-time carer. Then the problems in their relationship began.
Her husband would pore over bank statements, demand she hand over receipts for all expenditure and raise his voice if she couldn’t account for any small sums. “I paid for two cappuccinos, a juice and some cake in Starbucks, forgot to get a receipt and he accused me of lying,” Burke says. “He was convinced I’d been meeting another man, not my daughter-in-law. When I texted her asking her to tell him it was true, he said I was trying to make him look mad.” The controlling behaviour escalated: her trips outside of the home were timed, and all but non-essential outings were banned. Barely a day went by without her husband shouting at her, complaining about her cooking, her spending, her appearance, her housekeeping and her cooking. “He even said my breathing was too loud and kept him awake, so I slept on the sofa.”
Until then, Burke had considered her marriage of 40 years to be a happy one. Now, at 68, she says the signs of domestic abuse may have been obvious, but she had considered abuse to be something that happened to younger women, often with dependent children. Burke’s three sons were all in their 40s and had their own families, and only one lived nearby.
Burke, it turns out, is by no means alone. Domestic violence is a growing problem among older couples, but it is not always taken seriously. The latest Femicide Census – research collated by Women’s Aid on women killed by male partners – found that 11.5% of women killed by a partner or ex-partner in England, Wales and Northern Ireland were aged 66 or over. According to a 2016 report by domestic abuse charity Safe Lives, an estimated 120,000 women over 65 had experienced at least one form of abuse. Often, like in Burke’s case, the abuse only begins when the couple have retired and are spending much more time together alone at home. Older victims are less likely to leave abusive relationships than younger people. Whereas more than two-thirds of victims aged under 60 left their abuser in the year before seeking help, barely a quarter of older people did. And a third of victims over 60 were still living with their abuser while seeking help, compared with just 9% of younger victims.
“Our research found that older people are much more likely than younger people to be abused by a family member. Because this abuse doesn’t fit the image of what most people think of when they hear domestic abuse, older people can often be hidden from services,” says Suzanne Jacob, chief executive of Safe Lives. “Generational attitudes can also mean that, sadly, people can have been living with abuse for decades without ever being able to name it as abuse.”
Jacob wants to see more targeted publicity in places like GP surgeries and bus stops. “No one should live in fear, whatever their age,” she says.
Few services focusing exclusively on domestic violence and older people operate in the UK, but victims are encouraged to contact national or local helplines, such as the National Domestic Violence helpline, and Solace Women’s Aid Advice line Freephone number 0808 802 5565, or to speak to doctors, social services and the safeguarding teams at their local council for help.
Burke began to realise that what she was experiencing was abuse when she saw her GP about panic attacks. A poster on the door of the surgery’s toilet listing abusive patterns of behaviour encouraged her to mention her situation. Her GP responded by giving her appointment slips, which meant she could leave the house and phone a helpline without arousing suspicion.
Burke spoke to someone at Women’s Aid who confirmed that her situation was abusive and that the abuse was not her fault. She was told that if she wanted to remain at home, she could look into legal avenues to have her husband evicted. But, she was afraid to seek practical help. “There was no way I could leave without a legal battle over the house, and my sons loved their father, the grandchildren loved him, everyone in my life knew him as well. I didn’t think I could start a whole new life, he’d always be in my life. And I was his carer. If I left, who would look after him every day? I didn’t want to live this way, but I didn’t want him to suffer,” Burke explains. After five years of abuse, her husband suffered a second stroke and died a day later.
Burke’s situation is mirrored in Do You See Her?, a film produced by Women’s Aid. It depicts an older couple hosting a happy family meal, and goes on to show the abuse that happens when their children and grandchildren aren’t present.
Katie Ghose, chief executive of Women’s Aid, says: “We need to challenge the perceptions about who abuse happens to. The film is a stark reminder that even those closest to a woman who is being abused may not know what is going on behind closed doors. Any woman, of any age, can be forced to live in the invisible prison of domestic abuse – including those with adult children and grandchildren. We want to send a clear message to all older women experiencing abuse that you are not alone, we’re here for you.
“It is clear that older women are experiencing domestic abuse, often for years or even decades, yet they are the age group least likely to access support. That’s why we have pioneered our Change that Lasts project, working with frontline professionals in health and social care to help them identify and understand domestic abuse, and feel confident enough to offer support and a helpful response to older survivors.”
Jacob concurs: “We’d like to see professionals in all agencies given the tools and training to recognise the signs of abuse in older people, and to know that domestic abuse doesn’t always take the form you might expect. It doesn’t have to be physical to be domestic abuse.”
Bridget Penhale, reader in mental health of older people at the University of East Anglia, is working on an EU-funded, six-country project examining the prevalence of domestic violence among older people. “We are picking up on a lot of cases [in the UK] of assault and serious assaults on older women by their partners,” she says. “It may be the case that the man has cognitive impairment, the police investigate and the CPS say it’s not worth prosecuting. We want to look at the police arresting perpetrators as part of their response to this problem.” She is working with the police and criminal justice agencies to develop a training module for officers.
Burke now volunteers from home on a helpline for all victims of domestic abuse in her region, run by a charity involved with her local church, but she has never told her children about the abuse she suffered. “I told two friends after his death, but I still felt so guilty. I want to tell other people it’s not their fault,” she says. “I wish I’d been braver. I want to help people realise they don’t deserve this, they should ask for help. I thought my friends wouldn’t believe me. But they did. You will be believed.”