Businesswoman giving a presentation
Benevolent sexism, which is sometimes described as “subtle” or “friendly” sexism, is often ignored.
We simply don't talk about it enough.
That’s why many of us don’t know how to respond when a colleague apologizes for cursing, asking forgiveness from the only woman at the conference table (which implies she is delicate and in need of special protection). And it’s why we don’t know what to do when one of the women at a weekly meeting is described as a “meticulous notetaker.” This description, more often than not, happens before she gets saddled with typing up and distributing meeting notes – and inevitably – other “office housework” in the future.
But, as the President of Barnard College at Columbia University, the premier college dedicated to empowering young women, I often get questions from students and recent graduates about this subtle sexism and how to handle it.
Now is the time to give women – and men alike – the tools to combat it.
It’s important because benevolent sexism undercuts women’s status in an organization. It can also hurt job performance.
By causing women to worry about their rightful place in the office hierarchy, benevolent sexism creates a slow burn. As I note in my book Choke, such rumination requires significant mental effort that could otherwise be devoted to important work-related projects.
Even sexism that lacks malicious intent can have negative repercussions. Take a recent experiment that found that women react to subtle sexism in much the same way they react to threats. Compared to those who received supportive, non-sexist feedback on verbal reasoning tests, women who received subtly sexist feedback showed “cardiovascular responses consistent with disengaging from the task altogether.” It zapped their enthusiasm to perform well; they were discouraged and less motivated in the future.
But what can people who have experienced or witnessed subtle sexism do? Here are some of the tips we give to our students at Barnard College as they pursue internships and go out into the workforce:
- Give yourself permission to be offended. Being subjected to sexist and degrading “compliments” on the job is no fun. Feeling angry, hurt, or frustrated is completely normal and your feelings don’t need to be ignored or suppressed. In fact, research shows that trying to suppress or inhibit negative reactions can actually backfire, negatively affecting one’s well-being. Rather than trying to ignore my reaction to benevolent sexism, I try to keep in mind that people who should know better often don’t. And, then, I consider how I can help educate them.
- Call benevolent sexism out for what it is. Explain why you were troubled by the comment and how it reinforces harmful gender stereotypes and could hurt morale in the office. Keep your tone calm, collected, and professional. Make it clear that these comments aren’t appropriate or appreciated. And, you don’t always have to call benevolent sexism out in the moment. It is fine to take time to organize your thoughts. I also try not to have these follow-up conversations in a large crowd, a smaller group for discussion is often better.
- Counter subtle sexism. We all – men and women alike – can come to our colleagues’ defense when they’re being targeted. For example, if someone says about a female coworker “We’re so lucky to have her on the team to keep us organized – we needed a mom around here,” you could counter by highlighting her accomplishments and skills: “Well, that doesn’t seem relevant, but I do know that by streamlining our salesforce last year, she dramatically increased profits.” Publicly highlighting coworkers’ accomplishments can help quell attempts to subtly undercut their status.
I am proud of programs that we offer at Barnard College, including those developed by our Athena Center and Beyond Barnard, which are aimed at helping students deal with harmful messages about women head on (especially the implicit, coded kind). We give students and alums the tools they need to take concrete, actionable steps to improve their working environments. These tips are helping our recent grads do their part to move everyone in the right direction, just as I’m sure they can help us all change the working world for the better.
Benevolent sexism has been ignored for far too long. Now is the time to change that.
