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Forgiveness
Why You Should Forgive… Or Not
Whether or not to forgive is a profound life decision.
Posted June 4, 2018
Source: Leland Francisco/flickr“I couldn’t change the things I had to forgive, but I could change if I forgave. To hold a grudge is self-destruction, but forgiveness is a strength. It’s a process of humbling myself and leaning on the truth. And in all things the truth is far better than a lie.”
by Gregory Bright with Lara Naugton (Twenty-Seven and a Half Years. The Sun magazine, June 2015)
Imagine spending twenty-seven and a half years in prison for a murder you didn’t commit. Anyone could understand responding to this unforgivable miscarriage of justice with anger and resentment. Yet, Gregory Bright – who has been exonerated of the murder – has found the strength to forgive. He did this, not for the sake of being a “good person” or to relieve others, but because he realized that it was a way to save himself. If you have suffered from the actions of others, this is a decision you also face. To forgive or not to forgive – a very painful question.
Even if you have no idea how to go about forgiving, you must first decide whether you would want to work toward forgiveness. It’s relatively easy for people not in your situation to have their opinions. They might say, You should never forgive such horrible acts. Or, in trying to take a more progressive stance, someone might state, You need to let go of your anger and forgive. Others can state their opinions and then move on. But you are the one who has to live with the ghosts of the past. So, no one can answer the question for you.
Some important steps in coping with being harmed and deciding whether you want to forgive are:
Acknowledge the harm done to you and the pain it caused. Just as with a physical wound, you can only begin to tend to your emotional suffering and help yourself heal after you have identified the damage done.
Allow for your suffering. It’s not enough to say you feel angry or sad or emotionally devastated. Many people who feel traumatized are so overwhelmed that they respond with an emotional numbness. To really heal, it is essential that you learn to actually feel your emotions. This is easier said than done. So, many people need the support and guidance of professional help to attend to their emotional pain, just as people often need the help of a physician to address physical pain.
Choose a better tomorrow—which means letting go of the past. People can often feel swallowed up by their rage or sense of betrayal or other emotional pain related to having been wronged. Sometimes they try to cope by forgetting the past, and that can help. It can give them a break from intense emotional pain.
However, it doesn’t fully work. While they can ignore pain, they cannot wish it – and its effects – away. You might ignore a pain in your leg, but that doesn’t stop you from limping. Similarly, people who ignore their feelings of being victimized by an injustice may isolate themselves or carry their unresolved anger into other relationships. Instead, true healing involves finding a way to let go of the hold that the past has on you.
Practice compassion for your pain and your limitations. People who have felt victimized often become angry with themselves for “allowing” or “encouraging” the situation to happen – essentially blaming the victim. They might also be angry with themselves for not being able to forget and move on. In these situations, it is essential to learn to see yourself as someone who is in great pain and who has done the best you could to cope with a difficult situation. Just as you would feel compassion for someone else’s pain, you also deserve that same compassion.
Learn to see the person who harmed you as human. This can be an incredibly difficult step to take; and it may not be appropriate for you to even try at this time. The more you can see the person who hurt you as having human foibles, the less angry you will feel toward them. Instead, you will likely feel empathy and compassion for them. However, this does not mean to accept or condone their behavior, or that you necessarily let them back into your life at all. It just means that you can, to some degree, let go of the anger you carry – the anger that is hurting you. That said, this step is not advisable while you are actively feeling threatened or before you have been able to really connect with, and process, your emotions about feeling harmed.
Coping with having felt harmed is a process. And it is a very personal one. There is a lot to be felt and thought about. In choosing whether or not to work toward forgiveness, consider what actions will help you to live your life as best as you can.
Making Change blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional assistance.
