:: Searching for My Own Body ::

Yesenia Montilla

Which is to say that like a good theoretical objectified body, my identity was created not by me but by the various desires and beliefs of those around me.
– Daniel Borzutzky

My body is a small cave door
it’s a slick whale a jubilant
sea of tall grass that sways
& makes its way across countries
& lovers I love love-making
I don’t remember a time when
I wasn’t interested in touch
I have these breasts
& some would want to come
on hands & knees to worship them
call me flower or desert
Maybe I was only supposed to be
stone or a baby eel
long & layered a nun?
I don’t remember ever saying
yes just no
I am searching   for my own body
not the one I was told is so
I want to be always open
like a canyon
Maybe I was only supposed to be
tree or temple
In some circles I am
just an open gate
a sinful bauble  
Once someone said you are this
& I never questioned it

I am searching my own body
for God

or someone like her—

Montilla reads ":: Searching for My Own Body ::."

About This Poem

“I was in a room full of women, discussing the #MeToo movement, and it was no surprise to me that we were all survivors. Later, the one man who had been in the space says to me, ‘I was shocked. That was a shock. Were you shocked?’ And I just said ‘no’ quietly, sitting with the heaviness of twenty women of different backgrounds, faiths, identities, upbringings, everything, having suffered a very similar fate at the hands of men. Much later, I came back to the Borzutzky quote and tried to unpack it against my own sense of self, my own love of body, of consensual touch, and maybe even tried to give some power back to these women. I think I was trying to figure out how I had not gotten to this poem sooner.”
—Yesenia Montilla

Yesenia Montilla is the author of The Pink Box (Aquarius Press, 2015). A CantoMundo fellow, she lives in New York City.

Photo Credit: Ana Leiva

Poetry by Montilla

The Pink Box

(Aquarius Press, 2015)

"Self-Portrait in the Nude" by Allison Funk

"On Contemplating the Breasts of Pauline Lumumba" by Brenda Marie Osbey

"Heavy" by Hieu Minh Nguyen

December Guest Editor: Carmen Giménez Smith

Thanks to Carmen Giménez Smith, author of Cruel Futures (City Lights Publishers, 2018), who curated Poem-a-Day for this month’s weekdays. Read more about Giménez Smith and our guest editors for the year.

Thanks for being a part of the Academy of American Poets community. To learn about other programs, including National Poetry Month, Poem in Your Pocket Day, the annual Poets Forum, and more, visit Poets.org.

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December 12, 2018