The new rules of the office Christmas party - and how to navigate them in our woke world

Tis almost the season of the office Christmas do. A time when bosses loosen their purse strings and tongues and maybe, just maybe, your eyes will meet those of your office crush over the canapés.

A flirt on a sticky dance floor; a snog in the stairwell; an awkward, bottom-on-the-stapler romp on your boss’s desk — seeds sometimes sprout in the most inauspicious circumstances.

Since we all spend a depressingly-large portion of our waking hours in the workplace, it is inevitable that so many love affairs ignite there. But office relationships can be fraught. This particularly applies where there is a power imbalance between the two parties — boss and intern, perhaps — but all romantic entanglements blur the line between the private and the professional.

Workplace behaviour has never been so scrutinised. However, in the wake of the outpouring of stories about sexual harassment and assault that followed the allegations against Harvey Weinstein, there was a dangerous conflation of consensual behaviour with the non-consensual. Some of the workplace relationships mentioned in Westminster’s “dirty dossier” of MPs, for example, were between two willing participants.

This was then followed by a slew of articles claiming the uproar about sexual harassment would herald the death of flirting. That is, of course, hokum. There is a clear line — behaviour is either consensual and mutual, or it isn’t. But even consensual relationships can prove a headache for employers and HR. Take the staff at a well-known investment bank who had sex in the disabled loo at the office Christmas party last year — CCTV evidence ended up getting them fired.

Bar sex on site, what do most workplaces allow? “Many companies used to have policies dictating that you had to tell HR if you were in a relationship with a colleague,” says Claire Gilbert, an employment lawyer specialising in discrimination cases. “That’s massively fallen out of favour. No one thinks it is an employer’s business to know now — it is regarded as too prurient. Besides, would you have to say ‘We were together last week but not now’?”

In the late 1990s, a department head in a publishing company told his boss that he had started a relationship with the desk PA. “Well,” said the boss. “then you will have to sack her.” He did, although somehow they still ended up getting married. Employment lawyers say the sacking is unlikely to happen now. Organisations almost universally recognise that they have no right ruling on who dates whom. What they should care about are non-consensual relations: unwanted advances; unsolicited sexual comments; groping and promises of promotions or pay rises in return for sex.

Weinstein et al has led many organisations to scrutinise how they have handled or would handle such complaints. Some, such as the Royal Court Theatre, have brought in policies. Its artistic director Vicky Featherstone released an industry code of behaviour earlier this month to prevent sexual harassment; it called on staff to “take responsibility for the power” they have and call out abuses “straight away, even if it is awkward to do so”.

“What all companies should be doing now is making sure their house is in order,” says Gilbert. “That means having a clear reporting line around complaints — routes to complain that don’t go through a line manager because they are often the problem.”

With consensual relationships, if employers are aware of them, it is good practice for them to speak to the two individuals involved and remind them this is playing out in a work setting. Another employment lawyer says it is relatively common for staff to end up moving departments or leaving an organisation entirely as a result of a relationship whether to avoid working with their partner or their ex.

Relationships can also adversely affect other colleagues. At a small London ad agency, two senior staff — let’s call them Phil and Jo — started having an affair. “Phil used his closeness to Jo to settle scores with others in the office,” an ex-member of staff recalls. “Jo issued written warnings to members of staff based on what Phil had told her. No one thought these were fair and they ran entirely contrary to how the office had been run before.

Their closeness meant that no one in the office was talking about much else and it made the place toxic. It definitely accelerated my departure since I felt Jo would always be promoting Phil’s interests ahead of my own.” Eventually, the pair got their comeuppance — P45s.

There’s another situation where some employers do care who their staff are dating: if it’s a partner in another organisation but in an over-lapping sphere where conflict of interest arises. Careless pillow talk can cost jobs.

Sometimes these are not relationships people want to go public. A few years ago one of the journalists on our business desk received an accidentally forwarded email exchange between a PR woman at a private-equity house and a male financial journalist, both of whom were married. Her email asked: “Were we careful on Thurs?”, to which he replied: “No, I think we epitomised the linear opposite of careful. I did ask if you had any Johnnies, but you said: ‘What for?’... Was fun though. When can we do it again?” That story ended with an injunction protecting the name of the PR woman’s firm; the journalist, meanwhile, got in trouble for bringing his company into disrepute.

If a relationship ends acrimoniously, then it may become company business too. “That requires real delicacy,” adds Gilbert. “Relationships don’t end mutually very often. It is often not known by the employer that there was a relationship until the fallout.” Sometimes, a relationship ending can lead to harassment. After two staff at a Silicon Roundabout tech firm broke up, the man bombarded his ex with text messages and emails that ran the gamut from the imploring to the aggressive.

Despite the woman going to their HR department about his behaviour, he was let off with a warning. She believes this was because he was one of the company’s founding stars and the tech world typically subscribes to “the cult of the brilliant jerk”. She eventually felt forced to find a new job.

When harassment claims like this arise, Gilbert says most companies do have adequate policies to handle it; they just don’t necessarily employ them: “It is common to hear, ‘I’m telling you this, but please don’t investigate, don’t make a fuss.”

If problems are raised but then not addressed, companies can find themselves torn to shreds if they end up before a tribunal: “If a person discloses a problem, nothing is done and then they don’t get a promotion. It’s quite a dangerous thing for that person to be able to say ‘I’ve been victimised’.”

No wonder many employers would prefer all staff to keep relations strictly professional, rather than open the organisation up to the many risks romance can entail. Though that is quickly forgotten when you spot your crush over the canapés.

Office trysts can be thrilling, high- octane drama; neither of which are descriptions that apply to the work Christmas party. There is, however, an obvious way to sauce up the latter, namely, by getting saucy with your office paramour. There is an etiquette to a Christmas party liaison. Granted, rules dampen red hot passion, but getting a formal warning on a hangover is even more of a downer. This is how to practise safe sex.

Case the joint

Make sure you’re fully briefed on the building’s layout. Know its darkest, most romantic corners. If you’re really committed, consider a visit the week beforehand. Note: getting steamy in the loos is always tacky.

Exit strategy

If you’re planning on making a quick exit to carry this on in private, you square, stagger your respective departures. Make sure one of you is waiting in an Uber up the street. If you won’t consider stumping up for an Uber, they might not be The One — tonight, or ever. Do not leave at the same time as a motley crew of colleagues. As you are furtively peeling off north to follow your lover to their place, a workmate will point out “but you live in Peckham!”, several times, until everyone, no matter how drunk they are, has noticed what’s going on.

No confessionals

By all means tell someone it was you who blew the budget on that project; do not let slip to anyone that you lost your bra upstairs twenty minutes ago.

Avoid witnesses

Make sure you are not seen sneaking off. Prepare for this eventuality by preparing excuses, like “we’re just going to check the fire alarms on the third floor are working”.

Safe sexting

In the heat of the moment, do not send a filthy email to the chain that includes your boss.

Mistletoe mishaps

Be stoic if you see your lover pecking someone else on the cheek under the mistletoe. It means nothing; do not retaliate by snogging someone else. You’re going to give the game away.

About time

If you’ve RSVP’d affirmatively, attendance is essential. Polite practice, according to Marie-Hélène Ferguson, founder of the London School of Etiquette, is to attend at least half the party: “As a rule an hour is decent, and two hours is generous.”

Winning the popularity contest

Multiple invitations necessitate flexible thinking. The season requires stamina: pace yourself. If you’re up to the ruse, ask a friend to take a pic for your social media after you’ve left and caption it “Can’t wait for next year!”

Staying upright...

Ferguson advocates the “sip rule” — take it slowly. “The problem is the empty glass — as soon as someone sees one they become obsessed with filling it.”

Talking heads

Preparation is key. You need to be ready with big talk for business; small talk for everything else. Ferguson says: “If you’ve been working hard you turn up with nothing to say and drink more.” At this point you become the story: not ideal.

The morning after

Disguise is essential if this is/was a school night: think your best outfit or a giant Sia wig that covers half your face. Alternatively, keep supplies in the office, with a toothbrush and deodorant a minimum requirement. A cupboard to snooze in is ideal. Option two: find someone who looks worse than you, and stand next to them. You might find them in the cupboard.