Loneliness: Home share that can be a lifeline to the isolated

Bit by bit 75-year-old Kay, who had lived a fiercely independent life since her husband’s death 25 years earlier, began to lose focus. 

Each visit by Lauren would uncover new signs that her brightness was fading; anxiety levels were increasing and hygiene levels slipping. 

Eventually Lauren became aware that her mother’s depression and anxiety were leading to another unintended consequence: Kay’s friends had begun to slip away. 

There was no nastiness, just a reticence to engage with someone they no longer recognised. 

The loneliness that followed simply fed her depression and the spiral accelerated.

When Kay knocked over a pedestrian at a level crossing, it proved the final straw which saw the pensioner leave her home, and her independence, to live in a nursing home.

“Her GP just wouldn’t believe she was suffering from dementia, so I was forced to pay for a private examination which finally confirmed it,” says Lauren, a university HR manager.

“Finally she was placed on medication and things improved tremendously.” 

There was still a problem, however. Throughout her time at the facility, Kay’s only demand was to go back home to her two-bedroom flat in Southgate, London.

“All she wanted was to be in her own home,” says Lauren. 

“It was upsetting her greatly that she was away from all the things she loved, from her own space. 

“Once she was back, I decided that what she needed more than anything was companionship. She needed someone to just be there.” 

Enter Share and Care Homeshare, a pioneering enterprise that matches the lonely with those seeking affordable accommodation.

Both pay the group £150-a-month and, in return for an otherwise free home, the renter agrees to dedicate 15 hours a week in practical help and companionship. 

Kay’s sharer, Susan, is a special needs teacher who lost her home in a fire. Matching them together was a perfect solution. 

“The transformation has been remarkable,” says Lauren. 

“It would have been so easy for my mother to lock herself away, mentally. What her companion does is keep her in the world. It’s a vital bridge. 

“She used to call me, full of anxiety. Now she calls me and chats about her day. She’ll tell me about how they watched Strictly Come Dancing together. She has found her confidence again. It doesn’t matter if Susan goes into her room to do some work, because my mother knows there’s someone in the house. Next week Susan is taking my mother to see the Christmas Lights in Regent Street, she’s very excited.”

Share and Care Homeshare was started by Caroline Cooke in 2006 when her father was diagnosed with dementia. 

Based in Wimbledon, a team of three now care for 60 placements nationwide and, in a country with an ageing population and exorbitant house prices, it’s growing. 

Just last week the Jo Cox Commission On Loneliness reminded us how loneliness is damaging our physical and mental health. 

It is more harmful than obesity or smoking 15 cigarettes a day. 

An Eden Project community report found that loneliness costs the nation £32billion a year in terms of health services and policing. 

Already the owner of a successful nanny agency, it occurred to Caroline that the elderly might need “au pairs” too. 

“In my case, I was worried for my mother. My father was no longer the man he once was,” says Caroline, 48. 

“They were still together but, while she cared for him, my mum had lost her lifelong companion. 

“It’s all too easy for the elderly to become invisible in our society. They seem to blend into the background and I wanted to address this.” 

It was only after she started the enterprise that she was contacted by Homeshare International, an association which deals with this sort of matchmaking, primarily in the US. 

“They approached me and now support us by helping us adhere to quality standards, and that’s something we take very seriously. We spend a long time matching sharers to homeowners. Of course, everyone is fully vetted and we remain very involved. 

“This isn’t a money spinner, we do this because it’s important. It changes lives.” 

There are many who can attest to this. Judith Boyle found her world turned upside down when her husband lost his business and the couple separated. 

Though she had a new job offer in Henley, Oxfordshire, there was no way the nurse practitioner could afford the rent in that well-off area. 

After seeing an advert, she sent Share and Care her CV, which informed them she was a keen musician. 

Within weeks she was paired with retired classical musician Jennifer Baird, 79. 

“Jennifer has Alzheimer’s but Share and Care saw that I could play piano and the recorder. When things get a bit difficult I simply stick on a CD and we both sing to it, or we play something together,” says Judith, 54. 

“It’s the language we both share and Jennifer immediately calms down. 

“Share and Care has really helped both of us. My life was in pieces and I didn’t know anyone in Henley. Had I been able to afford living there by myself, I would have been very lonely. So we help each other out.” 

Not all homeowners in the scheme have mental health issues though. Divorcé David Roberts stumbled into Share and Care when he needed to cut his living costs. 

At the age of 95, Christine, a retired epidemiologist, was determined not to leave her Hampstead home. 

She has just started sharing her house with David, a 59-year-old who had lost a high-paying IT job and responded to an advert on a housing website. 

“I was finding it difficult to get another job at the same level and knew I needed to find cheaper accommodation in London. I’d never heard of Share and Care but decided to give it a go,” says David. 

“Since losing my job I found myself helping friends with MS and muscular dystrophy just to keep myself busy and, honestly, the 15 hours a week I was expected to spend with Christine didn’t really sound like more than I was already doing. 

“Christine was an extremely well-respected consultant and I suppose she is used to having things her own way. Everyone was saying she had to go into a nursing facility but she was determined to stay in her own home. 

“We got on from the beginning. I’m quite free and easy by nature and I think she likes that. We spend most of our time discussing music, opera or politics. I like playing devil’s advocate so we often really get into it. I really enjoy living with her and I think she enjoys it too.

“I think I manage to help keep her mind active and I will often walk her around Hampstead, which she loves.”