Oh, the political climate outside is frightful, but a classic on-stage meltdown by our preeminent diva is so delightful. A video from the 1996 National Christmas Tree Lighting has been making the rounds online and it's not hard to see why. If you haven't watched Patti Labelle brilliantly charging through a rendition of "This Christmas" despite the fact that she doesn't know the words and her backup singers are MIA, you haven't lived.
Even if you have seen it, you need to watch it again. Put up your angsty AIM Away Message and take your telephone with the 6-foot cord off the hook; you are busy, honey.
Everything about this video is so perfect it's hard to know where to start. Here's the basic premise: 21 years ago this month, everyone on Earth failed Patti Labelle. Present day lawmakers with absolutely no self-awareness, keep bringing up scandals that occurred during the Clinton administration but, strangely, no one is talking about this, the greatest travesty of the 1990s.
Here it is in all its glory. Watch it and then call me right back:
First of all, the video looks like it was filmed through a paper towel. Did we all realize that we couldn't see anything on television in the 90s? Did the entire world need Lasik? Was reality just blurrier? I am concerned for our past selves. You ever watch an old episode of Friends? It's literally impossible to tell any of the characters apart. They're just a bunch fuzzy blobs with a lot of disposable income. Did we even know what we were watching? Or was it like "Welp, it's Thursday. Time to watch the nondescript shape that emphasizes the word 'be' to hilarious effect"?
Who can say? Anyway! Despite the fact that the lens of the camera filming the National Tree Lighting was smeared with melted gruyere, you can absolutely see Patti Labelle, even when you're not supposed to.
The diva of all divas is introduced by a guy who looks like a whistleblower in an Oliver Stone movie. The man is wearing a trench coat buttoned all the way up, which seems ominous now but I guess was just fashion question mark. Anyway, Patti's not here for it. The man doesn't get three words into his intro before she bursts out of the background.
Patti's like "Nobody needs all this talk. All you got to do is say 'What's her name? Patti Patti!' and then keep it moving." Feigning shock, she turns around and then, in a masterstroke of cinematic genius, the C-SPAN2 producer cuts to a shot of Patti skittering away behind glowing white columns like Elizabeth Taylor in a White Diamonds commercial. We're 20 seconds into the video and it's already everything.
The introduction finally finished, Patti re-emerges, doesn't even acknowledge the man in the trench coat and proceeds to give the kids what they came for, presuming what they came for is a glorious disaster that your fave could never.
It's clear something is off from the first moments. Ms. Patti is thrown but she's playing it cool. She nods at what we'll discover is the person holding the cue cards with the lyrics, does a small eye roll, and keeps it moving. This train, however, has already skipped the track.
If you're following along at home, the lyrics to "This Christmas" are:
Hang all the mistletoe
I'm going to get to know you better,
This Christmas!
Where are my background singers?!
WOO!
Oh baby, baby!
It's the wrong words on the cue cards; I don't know the song!
This Christmas!
If you don't sing it exactly like this at all your holiday gatherings you're doing it wrong and you're part of the problem.
Patti, God bless her, is so over this but she soldiers on, basically narrating her dilemma in harmony and in time with the song. She's throwing her hands up in frustration, looking around, and telling the audience—which includes the President of the United States—"These people hung me out to dry and I'm super pissed." (I'm paraphasing but only slightly). The shady C-SPAN2 producer cuts to people in the audience waving candles in the air. I die.
This video is like Mariah's NYE performance and "Beyoncé Always On Beat" had a baby. Or rather, like they had a godmother, which was Patti Labelle in an aubergine caftan, screaming about background singers.
If you're feeling up to it, at your holiday gatherings, sing the second verse, too. Here are the lyrics:
Presents and cards here
My world is filled with cheer,
And you
[with disgust] Oh my God.
This Christmas!
Next card, honey! Next card!
Wooo-oooooo
Thank you!
Oooooo-aaaah!
We'll be caroling through the night!
Patti and her melismatic meltdown are the highlight of this video, but you have to give props to the three background singers who have the temerity to show up and sing like nothing happened after being called out for 3 minutes on the National Mall.
If you ever get tired of angrily calling your representatives about, well, everything, feel free to just send them this GIF with a note that reads "Do better... This Christmas!"
There has never been a more impressive performance in history. Never has someone managed to express a slow-boiling rage so festively! Patti Labelle being failed by every single person in Washington and still giving the performance of her life is 100% me this year.
Times are terrible and we have no background singers but Patti Labelle will lead the way.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
