Relieving extra stress in grief

Grief lasts for months and years after the immediate shock of death.

Adding more pressures and strain on top of grief makes matters even worse. So it's very important to find ways to relieve day-to-day excess stress. This is essential to our own health and our ability to cope with grief.

Many bereaved inadvertently put additional stresses on themselves by overloading their daily routines and plans. Then comes exhaustion and feelings of “too much,” or “just can't keep up” with all the demands and responsibilities.

For example, recently I rescheduled and reordered several medical appointments that were pressing on me in a very busy month. The weather forecast was bad and I was tired, and not up to driving an hour away to appointments. Sometimes, one just has to stop and say “enough.” These appointments were not emergencies and nothing was harmed by short delays.

It's easy to overload one's calendar, but it's often in our hands to unload that same calendar.

Hence, stress reduction. And such reduction comes in little ways — it is simply the reverse of how it piles up.

Another trap is to constantly do too much, and to fill every minute with endless “must dos” and activities that keep you running nonstop.

This leads to frustration, unneeded stress, and physical exhaustion. Of course there are responsibilities that are unavoidable and may cause you to overload yourself, but many “obligations” are actually flexible and can be stretched out over a less demanding timeline.

One way to slow down and renew yourself is to routinely allow some time during the day for yourself — to relax, reflect, and simply unwind. Even a little time off helps.

Sit down for an early morning cup of tea or coffee; take a break during the day to read a couple chapters in the book you've started; watch a movie; watch an evening or weekend football game; read the newspaper; catch up on email; take an hour for your hobby or exercise class.

One trick I use to slow down is to just sit on the couch and look outside at nature. There are couple beautiful big trees right out my front window. Sitting there and looking out is a remedy for me. And usually my Coffee Cat will crawl up next to me to be petted.

My dear Baheej loved those trees and spent lots of time reading and looking out at them. So I do it too and, although a simple rest, it helps.

Even if you are working, you can take a walk, go to the gym on your lunch hour, or something that allows you to refresh.

Weekends are for family and friends, personal time, so try not to turn them into an extension of work and external demands.

This slower pace may seem odd to a “type A,” very driven person, or someone who has spent their time with a go-go career, or raising a large family. But — try it. It will help you.

Another caution is to be more careful about physical strains and dangers.

As we get a little older we can certain “stay in shape” — but as the years move ahead we usually don't have the same level of physical strength, agility, and resilience as we did while younger. Overreaching and overdoing can lead to the infamous household accidents, physical injuries, or health problems. And when coping with long-term grief one is often not only emotionally but also physically vulnerable.

So it's important to be more careful — carry your cellphone. Live normally of course, but avoid unnecessary risks, and that includes not driving in snow storms or on icy roads, not walking on icy sidewalks in the winter, or being outside in too much heat and humidity in the summer.

When we were in our 20s and 30s my husband and I were long distance swimmers, including swimming across lakes in Colorado and Massachusetts. Well it's been many years since I would attempt that!

But it's hard to have perspective on one's own changing capabilities. When I was growing up in Minnesota we went water skiing, and had great fun. It was easy. Once, in my late 30s we went water skiing with some neighbor friends. And I was shocked that I couldn't even get up on the water! I kept trying so I was black and blue for two weeks after.

Changes may be more subtle but be aware and, if possible, get the help you need with the yard, housecleaning, snow shoveling, leaf raking, etc.

So the point is — slow down a bit, try not to overload your daily and weekly calendars with back-to-back activities, errands, and responsibilities. It's important to be active and not be isolated of course, but both new grief and long-term grief are psychologically, emotionally, and physically draining.

This is about lifestyle, not about going on vacation. It's imperative to reserve some daily time for rest and renewal for yourself.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Ander

son-Kleif-Susan/.