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Are You Dating Someone With a Social Media Addiction?

How to Deal With a Social Media-Obsessed GF

March 13, 2024

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On the surface, things are great between the two of you. There’s an undeniable chemistry in all your Instagram videos and megawatt smiles in all the selfies — on dinner dates, cozy in bed and beyond. But if you are feeling like your duo has an uninvited third member in the form of a cell phone, which beams 24/7 with Instagram notifications and sits in on any and all waking moments that should just be reserved for just the two of you, it’s time to talk to her.

We asked experts to share key red flags that her obsession with social media could be changing the dynamic between you, how to address it when it becomes a problem, and set social media ground rules.

How to Tell If Social Media Is Interfering With Your Relationship

She Expects You to Glean Important Facts About Her Day From Social Media

Social media shouldn’t be a substitute for conversation, no matter how mundane. “If you come home from work and you say to her, ‘Hey, honey, how was your day? And she says, ‘Well, you’d know if you checked out my Facebook page,’ then you really have a problem,” says Dr. Tara Fields, a relationship expert and author of “The Love Fix.”

There’s a good chance your connection is losing strength if you’re checking social media for updates on her life versus getting the deets in person, and that’s not healthy for any relationship. “Here he’s doing what every healthy woman would like: He comes home and he’s checking in. He wants to know what’s going on,” says Fields. “There’s some real intimacy issues, with her and possibly with you, if you keep going along with it.”

She Spends Most of Her Time Talking With Strangers

If she could talk for hours about interactions with @random_guy_12 on Instagram — someone whom she’s never met — but she’s got nothing to say when you’re standing right there, Houston, you’ve got a problem.

“If she spends more time connecting with strangers or gets a high from her face-down connection, meaning looking at her device rather than being in a moment and being present with you, that’s not just a red flag, that’s a red banner,” says Fields. “Because we are losing our intimacy skills and the more you get false intimacy from your posts, the more difficult it becomes to be vulnerable and be present and create authentic intimacy.”

Face-to-Face Conversations Between You Two Are Few and Far Between

Relationships can suffer when you don’t tend to them and when other things — video games, the gym, social media — take priority. “The more we become addicted to social media and the rush of endorphins when we get a like or when we get our postings shared, the more addictive it becomes and the more it really corrupts our ability to have authentic relationships with someone in the flesh and blood,” says Fields.

She also believes it’s not a good situation “when you’re willing to share with strangers and to have that momentary high from it, but you’re not turning towards me, towards your relationship and having a face-to-face [interaction].”

There Are Signs of Withdrawal When She’s Not on Social Media

If the two of you have tried disconnecting for a day, what happens? It’s no secret that it can be difficult to take a break from your varying social media platforms, but withdrawal from it should be seen an opportunity to work on intimacy together, and not cause further frustrations in the relationship.

“If you set [social media] boundaries and for a day she doesn’t do it [or she does] and she’s fidgety, she’s irritable, like when you take cigarettes away from somebody or a drink, that’s a red flag,” Fields notes. “Here’s an opportunity for creating deeper intimacy and personal growth, which is ‘Honey, I really notice this, what are you feeling? What are you feeling not being able to jump on your Snapchat. Like ‘Wow, Honey, this is so interesting, this really is an addiction.’ You’re missing out on this handsome loving face that’s staring back at you.”

When She Favors Social Media Over Your Feelings

Even though you plucked up the courage to tell her that her excessive social media use bothers you, it’s like you’re talking to a wall. If she’s not willing to hear you out, that’s an issue that needs to be addressed.

“If your mate is not open to what you’re feeling, that’s beyond a red flag, that’s on fire,” says psychotherapist and wellness expert Dr. Karen Ruskin. “How do you even be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about what you’re feeling? That translates in all areas of one’s life.”

How to Address Her Problematic Social Media Obsession

According to Ruskin, it’s all about the direct approach. “It’s never about blaming the other person,” she says. “It’s taking ownership of how you’re feeling. Start with, ‘I need to share something with you that I’m struggling with and I know you’ll be understanding because you care about me but it’s still very hard for me to share it, here I go, and then BAM, you share whatever it is you’re feeling uncomfortable with.”

She suggests you continue on by figuring out “what changes can be made” without the other person feeling like you’re taking control in an aggressive way. She calls this method “seed planting.”

“You’re starting out with planting the seed that they’re going to be understanding before you even verbalize what it is that’s bothering you,” explains Ruskin. “So that way they’re not on edge and defensive, instead they’re open to what you have to say.”

It’s important to use your words — talk it out as best you can. “Communication is key,” says relationship expert and coach Rachel DeAlto. “Validate her first, letting her know that you understand that she loves social media, but then expressing your concerns. If they care about the relationship, they'll listen.”

Although your partner may listen to what you say, take note that you may not get the desired reaction you want. “When you’re willing to have emotional courage to take a stand for yourself and for the relationship, you have to be willing to accept the information you get back,” says Fields. “Because if she says, ‘No, that’s not OK, I’m really spontaneous.’ Well, she’s giving you a message that her need to be validated and have a connection with these strangers [on social media] takes precedence.”

It may be an awkward discussion, but Fields believes that awkwardness is worth it if the relationship is worth saving. “Even if it causes short term discomfort, to her, to you, [it’s important] to articulate it,” she says. “This is my philosophy: You’re actually being loving. Because when you don’t say ‘no’ to the small things, you end up saying ‘no’ to the whole relationship.”

How to Set Social Media Ground Rules Within Your Relationship

When it comes to a “healthy media diet,” whether on social media or otherwise, Ruskin believes everyone should be spending more time in the real world versus the Instagram or online world.

“Living in the air, so to speak, should be top heavy and the minority should be online,” she says. “Then there’s the quality component which is if you’re spending more time creating quality with your online world, then your ‘in the flesh world’ is not going to grow. Because what you feed is what grows. So whatever you spend more time putting your energy into is what’s going to grow. So a healthy media diet is that it has a nice counter balance both in terms of quality and quantity.”

Ruskin says you could start with these three themes and then set ground rules as you see fit:

Determine how often you both are allowed to check social media during meals or together time.
Determine what you both can post on social media and how risqué you want to get.
Determine how many hours in a day is acceptable for you both to spend on social media when you’re together.

“Ground rules are helpful because then we’re taking a moment to confront what sounds logical,” she says. “When we’re in the moment we do things based on emotions, but if you take a moment to be the observer-self, you take a moment to step outside yourself and really think about what’s healthy and what’s not.”

Be sure to have a clear discussion about what you both find acceptable to share online and what is not. “Discuss the boundaries of your social media posts. Are they OK with being on video? Are they OK with you posting a selfie from bed? How much are they comfortable with you sharing?” adds DeAlto. “Make sure to put as much effort into your relationship as your posts. If the happiness of your instagram followers receives more thought than the happiness of your partner, it’s time to reassess your relationships with both.”

Taking steps toward eliminating the third wheel will get to the heart of what really matters here: your relationship. No Insta-hearts necessary.

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