Welcome to ¡Hola Papi!, the preeminent advice column by John Paul Brammer, a Twitter-addled gay Mexican with chronic anxiety who thinks he can fix your life. If you’re a queer person facing a dilemma — maybe you’re thinking about dumping your partner (they forgot your birthday), fighting with your roommate (they never pitch in for groceries), or being haunted by a gay ghost in your attic (the screams won’t stop and the cleansing ritual has failed) — we’ve got you covered.
If you need advice, send him a question at holapapi@condenast.com. Be sure to begin your letter with “Hola Papi!” It’s part of the whole deal.
Hola Papi!
I'm bisexual and nonbinary/femme-presenting, and I've been dating the same straight, cisgender guy for around two years now. I met him at a time when I didn't have as much queer support around me and hadn't met many people who were like me in general, so I thought I had finally met "the one.” In reality, I think I jumped the gun. It seems crazy to "let a good guy go" when there is no guarantee I'll find someone better, but I can't help feeling that I'm missing out on meeting other incredible people who might be an even better match.
He's a great person, and he's very open-minded, accepting, and supportive, but I’m feeling more and more dissonance between us as I give myself space to grow. I've always been comfortable and open with my own identity, but as I learn more about myself over time, I feel that I'm growing apart from him.
Beyond the usual things that come up in bi relationships with straight partners, like biphobia or judgment from both the straight and queer communities, I've been having serious doubts about my relationship. I know he and I are going to break up eventually, but I still can't help but wonder: Can I ever be completely happy dating someone who doesn't share at least some of the fundamental characteristics of my existence?
It's not inherently bad to be straight, white, and cisgender, but I feel like I've "settled." Am I the worst? Am I expecting too much? Am I crazy for "letting a good guy go?”
Signed,
Lovestuck
Hello, Lovestuck!
Break up with this guy sooner rather than later so he can move on and you can both start seeing other people. I think this might have less to do with him not sharing one of your "fundamental characteristics" (defined here as bi, nonbinary, and femme-presenting) and more to do with you just growing out of a relationship.
The two threads I’m seeing here compete a bit. One is that you’ve recently entered a new phase in your life and it’s left you feeling distanced from your boyfriend. The other is concern that in order for any relationship to work moving forward, then that hypothetical person must share some key identity with you or it’s doomed to fail. If the latter is true, then that answers the former: This relationship was never going to work out in the first place.
But I don’t think that’s the case. I’m not one to advocate for the wildly unpopular “choosing to be around straight cis people is good” position, but I would say you’re imposing a lot of self-constructed narratives on this situation that you probably don’t need. I know a lot of bisexual people and nonbinary people who date straight cis men, and while dating straight cis people isn’t in my wheelhouse, they seem to be getting along fine.
Sure, in aggregate, straight cis people are more likely to express ignorance on queer issues. But that’s why I tend to place a higher premium on one’s politics than on other facets of their identity. A lot of queer people have shitty politics too. I would not date them even if they, too, were a homosexual Mexican with chronic anxiety (though it’d be nice to feel understood!).
The other narrative I’m getting here is the old “but he’s such a good guy!” standby. I don’t doubt he’s a good guy. But a good guy can be the wrong person to date right now, and “goodness” is more of a “basic qualification” in dating than it is a determining factor in whether or not we should stay with someone. With any luck, you will break up with many “good people,” because you won’t be dating “bad people.”
I’m a big believer in the idea that someone can be right for us right now, even if they might not be right for us later. It’s not like I walk into relationships thinking, “Ah, yes, this person gives off adequate body heat. He will be perfect to help me survive the harsh winter, and then we will break up in the spring.”
Well, I kind of have done that. But it wasn’t super healthy.
What I mean to say is that it’s not really about cynical fatalism. It’s more about bearing in mind that we are dynamic beings subject to profound change and turbulence in life, and it is therefore difficult to predict with 100 percent accuracy how we will feel months or years down the line. That doesn’t mean we should shut ourselves off from relationships until we emerge from chrysalis, when we are finally done changing altogether. It means we affirm the reality that the very nature of being is chaotic, and we are doing the best we can in the moment.
And I think, dear Lovestuck, that you are simply in a place now that you weren’t in before, when your relationship with this man was exactly what you wanted. It’s leaping off the page here that he is no longer that to you, and you feel guilty about it. I can’t guarantee you won’t regret calling things off. But I can all but guarantee that forcing yourself to stay in this relationship will just prolong the inevitable, as you yourself stated.
So, yes. Let this guy go. Put yourself back out there when you’re over it, but not before. Don’t feel too guilty. It’s not that your boyfriend is some crude relic of your unrefined past because he’s cis and straight. He’s just not for you right now. That’s fine. I wish you luck in finding more good people in the future!
Love,
Papi
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