Judgmental dads secretly jealous of lazy arsehole dad

A GROUP of committed fathers who love to judge rival parents are all privately jealous of the father who does absolutely nothing, they have admitted. 

The dads, who gather daily in the playground at Oakleaf Primary to loudly discuss what excellent dads they are, have confessed they envy Wayne Hayes who does not even leave the car to drop off his kids.

Father-of-three Julian Cook said: “You don’t see him at sports day. You don’t see him at the Christmas Fayre. You don’t see him at recorder concerts or any of the other dull shit. I wish I was him.

“He boasts he’s never changed a nappy. For me, that’s not just a routine but a key part of bonding with my son. Though it stinks and you get shit under your nails and I hate it.”

Joseph Turner agreed: “He takes his six-year-old down the pub to watch Sky games on Saturdays. That’s outrageous. He should be in soft play or doing something educational.

“Though I used to have an Arsenal season ticket, and now I never even get through Match of the Day without one of the little bastards crying.”

And Stephen Malley said: “Wayne just doesn’t get it. You can’t expect your wife to ‘deal with it’ every time the baby cries. But if you could. Oh, if you could.”

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Man constantly barked at by dogs wonders if he is evil

A MAN who has been barked at by terrified dogs every time they see him for 15 years is wondering if he is actually the Antichrist. 

24-year-old Tom Booker has been provoking fight-or-flight reactions in every canine he gets within sniffing distance of since he was a child, and is starting to take it personally.

He said: “You can only laugh it off for so long before it starts getting to you.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s the neighbours’ shi-tzu or a stranger’s Great Dane, the moment they catch sight of me they bark frantically like Lassie trying to warn the world of a terrible menace until I’m gone.

“I’m not someone who goes in for auras or energy fields or all that shit, but I think they might be reacting to something deeply malevolent and broken inside of me. I’m afraid to set foot in a church.”

Booker, who also makes babies cry and children hide, is spending more and more time raking over his past misdeeds including lying on his CV, once parking in a disabled space and having inappropriate feelings about his cousin on a family holiday when he was 13.

Border collie Colin said: “He smells weird. Like really weird. Ideally we’d get a few of us together and tear him apart.”