What Modern Arranged Marriages Really Look Like

It’s estimated over half of marriages worldwide are arranged.

modern arranged

Unsplash | Design by Michela Buttignol 

A first date and a marriage proposal—for some women, this is the face of a modern arranged marriage. “At the end of our date, he asked whether we could get married that December,” a young woman anonymously told CNN. “Get married? I wasn't even sure I wanted to have dessert with him.” Though arranged marriages, which are marital unions planned by families (typically parents), may seem like a relic of a bygone age, they are still surprisingly popular around the world.

It’s estimated over half (yes, half!) of the marriages worldwide are arranged and that over 20 million of those unions exist in the world today—a surprising fact given that we almost never hear about arranged marriages unless we're discussing their famously low divorce rates. But are low divorce rates a sign that arranged marriages work? Or are they just a sign that those involved in them are also the type of people who are, for one reason or another, unlikely to file for divorce? The closer you look at the world of modern arranged marriages, the clearer it is that things have changed—but only for some.

Are Arranged Marriages Legal in the United States?

Yes, consensual arranged marriages are legal in the United States. Per U.S. Citizen and Immigration Services, the government recognizes unions that are coordinated by families, so long as both parties agree to the marriage of their own volition.

Arranged Marriage vs. Forced Marriage

Arranged marriages and forced marriages are not the same. A forced marriage involves unions brought into being by threat or coercion; in a forced marriage, one or both parties do not consent to the marriage and are made to do so against their will, usually under the threat of physical harm.

The government is opposed to forced marriage, which is considered a human rights abuse in the United States. It is illegal in several states; in all states, those who force another person to marry them will be charged with violating state laws, ranging from domestic abuse to kidnapping.

Arranged Marriage Divorce Rates

In the United States, while the divorce rate hovers around 40 or 50 percent, the divorce rate for arranged marriages is 4 percent. In India, where some estimate that 90 percent of marriages are arranged, the divorce rate is only 1 percent.

How Arranged Marriages Are Made Today

It’s unsurprising that technology has changed and influenced the way arranged marriages are formed. “I’m in my thirties, and in their quest, my parents have discovered a dizzying array of websites: shaadi.com, indiamatrimony.com, etc.,” Anita Jain wrote in NY Mag. “Within these sites are sub-sites for Indian regions, like punjabimatrimony.com. Far from being a novel approach to matrimony, these sites are a natural extension of how things have been done in India for decades."

Negotiating and Vetoing Arranged Marriages

Perhaps the biggest change surrounding modern arranged marriage is how some young people are given in their arrangement. While we traditionally think of an arranged marriage to mean showing up at the altar to meet your spouse for the first time, the modern take has more negotiation. While the family influence is still key—and indeed, it is often the family choosing the potential partner—some people are given a power of veto. "Today's arranged marriages place much more emphasis on free choice," Pamela Regan, a professor at California State University in Los Angeles, told The Knot. "People are saying, 'I'm willing to let my parents find someone, but if I don't like him, I have the right to say no.'"

There is an expectation that all parties will have an opinion, an opportunity to decline. This is not only the case in the West, where immigrant parents may have children more resistant to such arrangements. In areas of the world where arranged marriages are still popular, certain circles are moving toward giving the children more and more say in their partner. But that is only in certain circles.

The Dark Side of Arranged Marriages

If you look at arranged marriages for any length of time, you see that for some women, there is no choice at all. Arranged marriages can mean illegal forced marriages; in many cases, the brides are under 15 years old, with countries like Niger and India (according to UNICEF, 1.5 million girls under the age of 18 are married in India each year—despite recent crackdowns and arrests, reports AP) having particularly disturbing rates of child brides. Girls are often pulled out of school and isolated, left with no choices or opportunities. So while on the one hand, the modern trend has been to grant more autonomy to those involved, it’s important to remember that in many cases it is still a veneer, cloaking abuse in the name of tradition.

There are plenty of positive explanations for the low divorce rates of arranged marriages. Couples feel more inclined to work through issues and are more dedicated to each other. Mutual admiration develops. They don’t make rash decisions to marry someone because of passion or lust. And maybe that’s true in some cases. Maybe it’s even more true as some people are given more influence and say in their own arranged marriages. But you can’t ignore that—for the so many young women and girls in these positions—the lack of divorce is just a sign that they have no other options and are essentially trapped.

Yet, there are heartening trends in arranged marriages—and some people even prefer that their parents do a lot of the legwork, leaving them to just give the final “yay” or “nay,” introducing a blend of tradition and modern independence that allows people to find matches that make all parties happy.

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