Choosing a Family for Yourself

Media representations of families often depict members who, despite having conflict from time to time, are able to resolve their issues peacefully. These representations emphasize the importance of family forgiveness and fulfillment, both suggesting and reinforcing the idea that family relationships are unbreakable and satisfying. Yet, not all families are intact and intimate partner violence statistics and estimations of family estrangement suggest that maintaining family ties is not always a healthy or viable choice.

So, what do people do when their family is absent or insufficient?

Despite the fact people often think that birth, adoption, and/or marriage are the paths to family formation, "family-like" relationships have existed throughout the ages. These voluntary kin are people who we perceive to be family even though they do not share blood or legal ties. Even though people use different labels (e.g., fictive kin, chosen-kin, etc.) and have different definitions, there are two essential components that contribute to voluntary kin relationships; positive importance and choice.

Source: Adina Voicu/Pixabay

Dr. Dawn O. Braithwaite and her colleagues (2010) contend that albeit serving different functions, voluntary kin can be an integral part of family life. Based on 110 interviews with voluntary kin members, four types of voluntary kin emerged from their seminal research.

Voluntary Kin as Substitute Family

People sought a substitute family after the death of a family member or in the event they were in the process of estrangement. These voluntary kin members served as a complete replacement for the members who were no longer a part of the people's lives. Ultimately, these voluntary kin relationships filled a perceived deficiency in the traditional family.

Voluntary Kin as Supplemental Family

A secondary form emerged when people sought a supplement (as opposed to substitute) to their blood and/or legal family. In other words, these people had relationships with both their bio/legal families and their voluntary kin. The most common of the types, supplemental voluntary kin relationships often fulfilled unmet needs, enacted a role not present (or underperformed) in the bio/legal family, or filled in for a bio/legal family member who was geographically distant.

Voluntary Kin as Convenience Family

Voluntary kin, based on time period and/or context, were often perceived as convenience family. Put differently, these family member formed because people shared an important time-bound experience (e.g., college, rehabilitation, etc.) and/or shared a common context (e.g., workplace). These relationships were significant for a finite amount of time or within a context that is often absent bio/legal family members. Of note, these voluntary kin sometimes transcended convenience and transformed into one of the other voluntary kin types.

Source: TreVoy Kelly/Pixabay

Voluntary Kin as Extended Family

Finally, some voluntary kin served as extended family. Unlike supplemental kin who were simply an addition for one member, these extended family members were fully integrated into the family where all members perceived each other as family. As such, voluntary kin as extended family was the only type that was not a product of a bio/legal family member deficit.

Regardless of the function voluntary kin serve, research suggests that they can increase feelings of belonging, foster emotional closeness, provide protection/security, and communicate social support. Ultimately, voluntary kin help remind us that blood and legal ties are not the only thing that makes a family, a family.