The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that one in three women will be a victim of some sort of physical violence by an intimate partner within her lifetime. As a husband and the father of two daughters, that is hard to read, but it is nothing I hadn't heard before.
But then I kept reading and learned that one in four men will also be a victim of domestic violence.
That caught me off-guard.
At first, I was confused. When I first thought about domestic violence, the victims were all women. But then, I began to realize that I know several men who have been victims of physical violence at the hands of their wives or girlfriends.
Why we don't hear more about this?
"Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse," the Mayo Clinic says. "It can happen in heterosexual or same-sex relationships."
It also can happen to the famous and the not-so-famous. The late singer Whitney Houston once told The Associated Press that she beat her husband, Bobby Brown. "Contrary to belief, I do the hitting, he doesn't," she said.
The Los Angeles Times ran a story last year about male victims of domestic violence, including Joshua Miller of Dallas. His girlfriend smashed their son's toy guitar against Miller's forehead. When the police arrived, they initially cuffed Miller, not his girlfriend.
"Men are not looked at as victims," he said in the article. "People say, 'A woman can't hurt you. Pick your head up off your shoulders. Oh man, that's nothing.' But it's not nothing — especially when kids are seeing this."
I want to make it clear that just because I am talking about male victims doesn't mean I am minimizing violence against women. The reality is male and female victims need our support.
As a men's pastor, I speak to guys all the time about being good husbands and active fathers. Part of my job is to erase the stigma and stereotypes about what it means to be a man in the larger culture. I don't know if you've noticed, but we haven't been representing ourselves too well lately in the public square.
Some of us have been working overtime to repair the broken male culture, and we still have a lot of work to do, but we have completely overlooked male victims. It is easy to do, given the stories about violence against women in the news these days.
Factor in the stigma and stereotypes associated with men being the victims of domestic violence, and suddenly it makes sense. Typically, we are bigger and stronger than women. I can almost hear a man telling himself not to report the violence because of the "believability" factor or sheer embarrassment.
Male victims can feel ashamed, just like female victims, like it is somehow their fault or they have failed as a man. We have been trained to be providers and protectors. I would imagine many men feel like their dignity gets stripped away when violence takes place. I am sure they think the same thoughts many wives have articulated like "what is wrong with me that I picked this abusive person?"
We know these thoughts are lies and being a victim does not make someone any less of a man, but how are the men who are going through this going to know that? How are they going to know it is OK to come forward when we act like they can only be the perpetrator?
We are doing much better at shining a light on domestic violence, but we have a long way to go. To my brothers who are experiencing physical violence from a loved one, I want you to know that I am in your corner. What is happening to you is not your fault and does not make you any less of a man.
Domestic violence is a tragedy regardless of who is experiencing it. There is no shame in seeking help and no shame in reporting it. We need to join together as brothers and sisters and help one another heal.
Kenny Luck is the founder of Every Man Ministries in Orange County, California and board member of The M3ND Project. He wrote this column for The Dallas Morning News.
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