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Compassion Fatigue
How Do I Increase My Compassion Without Becoming a Doormat?
Three questions to ask to find balance between compassion and boundary-setting.
Posted November 5, 2019 Reviewed by Davia Sills
"I'm never more courageous than when I'm embracing imperfection, embracing vulnerabilities, and setting boundaries with the people in my life." —Brené Brown
Compassion for others is one of the highest marks of a person’s character. It can come in many forms, such as helping a struggling family member, giving support to homeless or oppressed populations, or showing love to those who have been outcasted or persecuted. Compassion is love in action.
However, many people sacrifice their well-being to accommodate others. Here are important questions to ask yourself as you navigate the balance between compassion and boundary-setting.
1. Is showing compassion to others allowing them to harm me, themselves, or others?
Helping someone in need should never be at the cost of your own mental health or put others in jeopardy. Showing compassion to a sex offender doesn’t mean leaving him or her alone with your child. Showing compassion to a drug addict doesn’t mean allowing them to self-harm. Forgiving a family member who once took advantage of you financially does not mean giving additional funds.
Compassion is doing what is best for the person long-term. It may simply mean waiting patiently to help someone who is not yet ready to receive help.
Being compassionate is not the same as being a doormat. As Brené Brown said in her book Rising Strong,
"When we combine the courage to make clear what works for us and what doesn’t with the compassion to assume people are doing their best, our lives change. Yes, there will be people who violate our boundaries, and this will require that we continue to hold those people accountable."
When setting boundaries to avoid harm to others, describe your concerns, and why you are setting the boundary you are. Continue to show empathy and love while holding firm to the boundary. If the relationship is toxic, the compassionate thing to do for you and your family may be to end the relationship.
2. Is the world’s grief overwhelming me and causing me to turn away from it?
Striving for compassion may lead to compassion fatigue. Often described as empathy fatigue, you may feel so much sorrow for those in need that you actively choose to ignore the suffering of others. Tuning out other’s misery may be a necessary first step to preserve your well-being. However, it may also reduce compassionate actions.
You never need to feel guilty for living a happy life while others suffer. Many who have experienced tragic loss ask only that those who have not known loss practice gratitude. Reflecting on your blessings can increase both your joy and your kindness toward others.
To protect against compassion fatigue, focus on shifting your empathy from emotional to cognitive. That is, try to understand the perspective of those who are suffering without feeling the emotions they feel. There will always be someone suffering, and consistently trying to feel what they feel will lead to burnout.
Take time each day to engage in compassion meditation, also known as loving-kindness meditation. Rather than focusing on the emotions of others, try to contemplate feelings of compassion. This meditation is comprised of six components:
- Feeling compassion for someone you love
- Contemplating a time that person was suffering and wishing them joy
- Concentrating on compassion toward yourself
- Feeling compassion for someone you neither like, nor dislike
- Focusing your compassion toward an enemy
- Expanding your compassion to all beings
People who use this mediation show greater altruism, a strong marker of compassion. They also show greater activation in brain regions known to be involved in understanding suffering.
3. Is a lack of self-compassion affecting how I see others?
A barrier to showing compassion toward others is lacking self-compassion. Do you forgive yourself for past mistakes? Do you allow yourself time to grow and improve? Do you view asking for help as a sign of weakness? Do you struggle with perfectionism and impossible standards?
Whatever judgment you hold against yourself will seep into your relationships with others. As Brené Brown said in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, “Until we can receive with an open heart, we're never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.”
Take time to recognize your negative self-talk, and practice reframing it. Talk to yourself as you would a loving friend. Exercise self-acceptance and self-forgiveness, while recognizing that your flaws do not diminish your worthiness for well-being. This will give perspective as you strive to help others without thought of whether they deserve happiness.
Compassion transforms empathy into action. It relieves suffering and fosters connection. You can do your part to create a better world as you compassionately create boundaries and strive to expand your altruism.
