A reader wonders if guys only want sex and what to do about it.
Hi,
I want to ask you about sex.
I got out of a 5 year relationship about 4 months ago and I’ve been starting to put out feelers and date.
The problem is, every guy I’ve met or gone out with seems to want sex right away. I feel like men only want sex from me and it makes me sad. I want to have fun and maybe meet someone nice but I just don’t feel comfortable being treated like an object.
I’m trying to meet them out in public during day time even if I meet them on a dating site, but it seems like they are just using me or only want to talk to me for the potential that I’ll get naked. What do I do about this? How do I meet someone who wants to get to know me? I feel like giving up on dating completely or trying to go back to my ex.
I’m sorry you’re going through this— dating again after being coupled up can make you feel like a piece of meat. It’s a tough, disheartening and sometimes soul-crushing process.
In reality, if a guy asks you for sex, you only know one thing for sure:
He’s attracted to you enough to ask for sex.
And that’s all you know.
This whole “guys want sex” fact doesn’t automatically mean that sex is ALL they want.
Wanting sex doesn’t make every man you encounter a borderline psychopathic player, it simply makes him a human male.
Human males are biologically programmed to want sex, try to get it and generally crave the opportunity to get their rocks off anytime they can. Obviously, this is subject to individual variation and real life— there are plenty of times when men DON’T want sex too.
We need to stop assuming men are automatically pukey sleazebuckets simply because they ask for sex and generally don’t always know what they’re doing perfectly when it comes to women (even if what they are doing is trying to get sex).
Anyway, despite the truth that a man who is attracted to you is probably trying to get in your pants, the simple fact that he wants sex doesn’t demean you or automatically mean that sex is all he wants.
That’s why it’s up to you to create boundaries around what you’re willing to do sexually and decide on them in advance— so you don’t have to worry about what what any given man is doing. That way, you have your standards for what you want in any relationship and then you can see if whatever situation you find yourself in measures up.
Your “no” belongs to you— and it’s your only defense against feeling hurt and used. But, after you say no, that doesn’t have to be the end of the conversation with that particular man.
If you want the best chance at creating a long-term relationship with him, all you need to do is have a conversation about your standards before sex happens. If you are interested in creating a monogamous relationship, then you explain that you only have sex with men who are on the same page about building a monogamous, continuous and long-term relationship.
That way he can decide if he wants to opt into more of your company with intercourse off the table, or he can agree on the spot and you can strip each other down like you’re in the bubble pit at spring break in Cancun.
Otherwise, if you don’t speak up about what you want, you’re essentially rubber stamping the whole “no-strings-attached” passion idea.
That being said, be GENTLE when you turn down sex and have this conversation about your standards.
Making out with him, stripping his clothes off, then slapping up your boundaries and treating him like a criminal for wanting sex— when you were already half way to the bedroom— simply isn’t going to get you a good relationship with anyone, ever, because you’re acting super manipulative and mean. I would get angry at you too. Anyone would. So if you’ve been doing this and are judging men by their understandably angry and hurt reactions to your abrupt rejection at that point, quit it.
The best way to get the relationship you want out in the real world is decide FIRST what you want— right now— in the man department and date with that in mind.
If you want to have casual flings, set yourself up for casual flings. Go out and enjoy yourself— but understand the costs involved before you do it.
And, don’t try to turn those flings into permanent relationships because that’s a painful, frustrating, uphill battle I don’t want to help you fight. Don’t get complain that guys only want sex because no one morphed into your boyfriend after you set up “fling only” rules (the point of the fling only mindset is that it’s “fling only” after all).
If instead, you want a deep and meaningful relationship with someone special, then set yourself up for that by simply getting to know each man who comes into your world first and then make sure you have that conversation about solidifying your relationship before you visit the bedroom (or the couch, or the kitchen floor).
That way, you can give both of you time to develop deeper feelings for each other with the intention of potentially building something together.
Men who are developing feelings for you usually want to wait for sex anyway. Even if they actually ask you for sex, they tend to get really disappointed when you say yes too soon (this is a shitty double standard, and I wish they wouldn’t do this, but I digress).
If a man gets seriously angry at you or dumps you when you say no to casual sex, it simply means that he wasn’t interested in a relationship with you (or likely anyone) since his patience is so low.
It stings, but it does NOT mean he would give you the relationship you want if you had started putting out. Don’t let him tell you you need to put out so he can “decide” on whether he wants a relationship or not either— that’s total b.s. designed to get you to abandon your own boundary.
In fact, owning what you really want is an easy way to count men out who don’t want to invest their time in getting to know you as a human being who they could potentially build a future with.
But, don’t take it personally when men want to go out and pollinate all the flowers. If it helps you not see them as slimy, just think of it as simple biology.
Males are built to spread their seed all around and create as many offspring as they can. That’s why they don’t have to invest many resources in the sexual act itself, when getting pregnant is a big, huge commitment for the woman.
Even if the man of the moment happens to be the smoothest creature on the planet and is completely aware of all he’s doing to lift sex off you, all you have to do is take it as a compliment and STILL only do what you’re ready for, comfortable with and fits your goals.
When you’re 95 years old, these sexual compliments are guaranteed to be more difficult to come by, so enjoy yourself and negotiate for what you want, but don’t treat men like they’re wrong for wanting sex.
As far as your comment about becoming discouraged about dating, just keep at it and treat dating like it’s a fun, easy hobby. Do everything you can to lighten up and make the process fun, because that carefree energy will rub off and attract men.
To put dating into perspective, all you’re doing is meeting and getting to know new people with the hope that you’ll click with one of them. Don’t give up or let yourself fall into despair that it isn’t happening right away.
Going back to your ex simply because you feel discouraged is probably not the answer, meeting more men is.
