The U.S. unemployment rate rose slightly this weekend as whoever was supposed to be operating a fan at Beyoncé’s second Coachella performance got themselves good and fired. Here's video of the incident, provided by a very lucky human fan:
Beloveds, I just have one question for you: Does Beyoncé have to do every damn thing herself? Like, this woman is in the middle of a two-hour set in which she redefines musicianship, gives you enough information to get an Associates degree in black cultural anthropology, reconfigures the DNA of everyone watching, and snatches every strand of every wig in existence. She's busy. Does she need to adjust the set, also? It's too much. It's just too much.
But she does it anyway. Why? Well, to paraphrase her own words, she cares. She knows you don't care too much about a fan that it tilted 20 degrees too low, but she still cares.
Beloveds, why don't you care about anything as much as Beyoncé cares about the air moving around her physical form?
I love how, as she’s walking over to the fan, she fluffs her hair like “If you were doing your job, I wouldn't have to be doing this. My hand is doing what the wind should be. Do you understand why that's a problem? This is a hairography moment and yet I am finding I do not have the range. I always have the range; I invented a new range just for myself so the problem must be you."
Beyoncé: "I hair. I know you don't hair too much, but I still hair."
I imagine being in Beyoncé‘s presence is like a constant performance review at work. Beyoncé goes into a coffee shop and explains how she wants her drink made and the barista declares, "I feel changed, I feel inspired, but I also feel like she sees my weaknesses and won’t let me get away with it. I love her; I want to be better for her."
(Yes, this video is actually of Oprah talking about Gayle, but you get the idea. Also, can we take a moment of appreciation for the way Oprah stares at her own tear as if she has never seen anything more pure in her life? Iconic.)
But back to Beyoncé. Is anybody working as hard as Beyoncé? I think that’s an actual question we have to ask ourselves. Is that the problem with America/humanity? Everybody has that mug that says I’m living the same seven days as Beyoncé or whatever but the truth is we are not. Beyoncé started her own HBCU last week; what have you been up to? Rearranging your closet?
Dear companies of the world who are struggling with diversity: Beyoncé has heard your complaints that there aren’t enough qualified candidates from non-white non-male backgrounds and she would like to present you with an entire line of black female violinists who can also dance. Sincerely, Do Better.
It’s like Beyoncé is just making up Amazing Race challenges for herself (pun intended?). She sitting up in her castle on a private island just pulling prompts out of a box. “Very difficult choreography + female dancers of all sizes + two hours of intense performance. And go!”
One would think that we should get Beyoncé to fix the rest of our problems just like we try to make Oprah do it. Honey, Beyoncé doesn’t have time to fix your problems, Beyoncé it’s too busy fixing her fan because the fan operator decided to take a selfie real quick. And Oprah doesn’t have time either. Oprah has to figure out how to bottle her perfect tears for world peace. Remember when Oprah invented books?! She was like, “Well, everybody in this country is illiterate and nobody is buying the printed word anymore. Guess I’ll have to single-handedly resurrect the industry. Cancel my morning.“
Beyoncé is walking into your job right now like “once I decide to do whatever it is you do here, it’s over for you.”
I just cannot believe that that fan operator would find anything else to do other than blowing very fast air at Beyoncé's follicles. That’s the closest you’re ever going to get to a superpower. You’re the Storm of Beyoncé right now. Beyoncé has decided to create her own weather system and you are part of it and what are you doing if not that?
Fun fact: Beyoncé also operated all three cameras at Coachella. And sold bootleg T-shirts in the parking lot. And if there wasn't a parking lot at Coachella, there is now because Beyoncé built it.
Season 3 of Westworld is all Beyoncé-themed. It’s just Beyoncé sitting up on an island, literally making people, giving them sentience, and then teaching them choreography. I understand the moral implications of Westworld (actually, no I don’t. I have no idea what goes on on the show but I just watching it, slaw-jawed, while sitting on my couch: unvegan, non-choreographed, and slightly warm because my fan is in the wrong place.) Nevertheless I would pay large dollars to go to Beyoncé Westworld. Bestworld?
Who’s to say what she’s capable of when her time is no longer taken up by adjusting the fan that was supposed to be monitored by some non-Beyoncé? This is Beyoncé’s (west)world; we’re just living in it, performing at a much lower level of functionality every single minute.
Ed. note: this article was written by Beyoncé.
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