A survivor's story

They weren’t wrong. Becky said there were several times she thought Bobby would go too far. And yet, as so many victims of domestic abuse do, she had immense trouble finding a way out.

Justice servedAs tough as things have been for Treadway, she has recently felt tremendous relief as earlier in the month, Bobby was convicted of first degree kidnapping — a conviction made more severe because he used a firearm — and sentenced to 165-210 months (13.75-17.5 years).

Although she didn’t talk a lot about the series of events that directly led to the litany of felonies Bobby was initially charged with but not convicted of, which included assault by strangulation, communicating threats and intimidating a state’s witness, she did want to thank the person who helped her get away from her husband after being kidnapped.

The kidnapping occurred months after Bobby was originally charged with assault by strangulation, and Becky felt certain he would kill her.

“The lady who stepped in on the kidnapping at the end, she was a complete stranger,” she said. “She was the one who blocked him from chasing me into the bathroom … she stepped up and she saved my life.”

When asked if Becky is disappointed that Bobby wasn’t convicted of assault by strangulation, she said no. She understood why the jury felt there wasn’t enough evidence.

“There’s hardly ever marks around your neck,” she said. “I understood they didn’t get that because we didn’t have any experts explaining that to them.”

But she was still willing to talk about specific instances where Bobby choked her and how she responded. One day, she did some research into strangulation, and she told her husband if the windpipe gets closed all the way, it doesn’t return.

“He had two responses on two different occasions,” she said. “One was, ‘I’ve got a plan for that. I can poke a pin in there and you can breathe again.’ Another time, I questioned him about it, and he said, ‘I know exactly how much pressure I can put on your neck.’”

Love at first sightThe couple met in July 2010 through their children.

“It was love at first sight,” Becky said. “He said and did all the right things. We both love the outdoors, so that was a huge connection for both of us.”

The first couple months seemed to be going well, but then Bobby started acting possessive. First, he checked the odometer when she went somewhere to verify the mileage made sense.

“That should have been a red flag, but I looked at it as, ‘oh he loves me. He’s just a little jealous,’” she said.

Becky said the first physical assault occurred about four months into the relationship.

“By this time, I was invested. I had fallen in love,” she said. “I felt like my duty was to help him.”

Becky said she has long struggled with her self-esteem and often felt worthless, but now she knows that predators look for such traits in those they manipulate.

“A lot of women and men that are in this situation had something happen to them when they were younger, and that kind of sticks with you,” she said. “You don’t always feel like you deserve the best, so I kind of had mixed feelings of love and danger go together. Love and abuse go together.”

“Of course, there were many times you are scared to death,” she added. “The more it progressed, the more serious it became. One of the things he would say is, ‘til death do us part, or I’ll chop you up in pieces and bury you in the back yard.”

And even when Becky wasn’t with her husband, she felt the constant threat. When she’d be somewhere else, he would require her to send him photos of where she was and who she was with as proof, and she would find GPS tracking devices in the back of her car.

“I can remember being at lunch with a lady from church. He didn’t believe where I was and we were eating lunch at Sagebrush,” she said. “He just came in Sagebrush and scared the lady, and we never had lunch again. It’s that intimidation and he was able to get away with it for years and years and years with me.”

Yet Becky said she still thought of Bobby as her soulmate, someone she should stick with through thick and thin, especially in the face of those who doubted her claims or made her feel insecure for staying.

“People always ask, ‘why does she stay?’ We’ve heard this so many times,” she said. “But that should never, ever be spoken. It should be why are they abusing. Not ever why does she stay, because there’s so many reasons why she stays.”

A way outAlthough it took years and several phone calls to the domestic violence hotline, Becky eventually wanted out. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but a couple things propelled her forward. The first was a murder-suicide that occurred in Fines Creek. Becky said Bobby was good friends with the abuser in that case and added that many said their personalities were similar. A friend sent her an article about that case, and it struck a deeply personal chord.

That same friend, a retired U.S. Marshal, helped her to take the first steps to leave Bobby and bring him to justice.

“I’d always say, ‘well it’s my husband. I can’t tell on him,’” Becky said. “Or I’d think he’s sorry. When I finally got strong enough, I knew if I went to her, she wouldn’t let me let this slide, and she didn’t. That was the first time I stuck by it. But I got weak again, too for a while, and went back to him. That is typical. Women leave their abusers at least eight times before they leave for good.”

The first steps were to enroll in an eight-week class on domestic violence that was held in Asheville through Helpmate.

“I learned one of the most powerful things was getting educated,” she said. “You’ll hear about it and you’ll read something and you kind of know things. But when I went to that class, I learned what I needed to know.”

But even then, taking the classes without tipping Bobby off wasn’t easy.

“I was desperate at that point. I was sneaking,” she said. “I would hide my notebook in the car somewhere he wouldn’t see my notes.”

At one point, Becky took a risk assessment. Scoring above a 25 means a victim is at risk of being killed. She scored a 35.

“One of the biggest signs that your abuser is going to kill you is if you’ve been strangled, and he’d strangled me several times,” she said. “I think at the very end, I decided he’s going to kill me if I stay, he’s going to kill me if I leave.”

When Becky left, she took out charges, and the process to find justice began. Even then, the fear that Bobby would kill her never left. But neither did her courage.

“I thought, ‘I will stand tall if that happens,’” she said. “’I will stand up for myself until and if that ever happens. I will enjoy my life free until and if that ever comes. I will know I deserve the very best life and deserve to be loved until and if that day ever happens.’”

A way forwardNow that Bobby is in prison, Becky said the world has slowly opened back up to her and her soul is finally at ease.

“Now that I know he’s in prison, I’ve started sleeping so good every night,” she said.

Although the trial and all the hearings that preceded it were difficult, Becky said she used those times to root out some of her deepest feelings regarding the years of abuse she suffered. Because witnesses in trials are sequestered and not able to see other testimonies, she spent much of the trial in the District Attorney’s office, where she wrote. The process of putting her thoughts on the page offered necessary catharsis.

One page of her notebook outlines reasons she wanted to stay with Bobby. Reasons like “people would think I’m crazy” and “I’m turning my back on him.” But for every reason she offered, she provided her own rebuttal. Take for example where she wrote “he loves me deep down inside.”

“Real love would never treat you abusive in any way,” she wrote. “Real love doesn’t put its hands on you or hurt you. Real love has remorse. Real love cares for your feelings and safety and protects you. You don’t have to worry about your safety with real love.”

“Love is not fear. Love takes fear away,” she later wrote.

“It got my feelings out, and when I go back and look at these, it’s pretty powerful,” she said of the writing.

Bobby has more pending charges that are scheduled to be tried in September, but Becky isn’t thinking much about that. Now she’s back to trying to enjoy life, and her daughter is happy for the change. She finally has her mother back.

“Her personality has grown,” her daughter said. “Before, she always had to be this one way. She couldn’t be silly or goofy or happy. She was this dull mom. We hated being around her. It was terrible. But now she can do whatever she wants. She can be happy now.”