I remember only one spanking from my childhood. The rule in our home was that Gloria, my babysitter, was the boss when my parents were at work. Well, on this occasion I had disobeyed and disrespected her (of course, I remember the spanking, not the exact offense). When my father came home, he decided I needed a spanking. I was brought into the spare bedroom and whacked on the butt. My dad asked if it hurt.
“No!” I replied.
So he hit me again, then repeated question. I was a stubborn child. Under no circumstances was I going to let my father get the best of me, even if I were wrong.
The spanking went on and on.
Whack!
“Did that hurt?”
“No!”
Eventually my dad decided we both had enough, and the incident ended. I walked away proud of my ability to withstand pain in support of my pride. My father walked away devastated.
Spanking has been a hotly debated topic since the invention of children. The Bible is routinely (and erroneously) cited for the stern warning: “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” And while this statement actually appeared in the book of Proverbs, the sentiment is clear: If you don’t use corporal punishment, your children will lack discipline and end up spoiled useless brats. In some cultures—and especially in the South—whuppin’ is as common as sweet tea and biscuits.
When kids misbehave, some parents turn toward spanking as a viable discipline strategy. Kelly Clarkson was recently ridiculed after she publicly discussed her willingness to strike her 1- and 3-year-old kids. However, 70% of Americans privately admit that an occasional spanking is necessary to discipline a child.
While it may appear that behavior is temporarily improved in the short run after a flogging, research shows the effects are more detrimental in the long term. Mental health and behavioral consequences to spanking include depression, anxiety, aggression, violence and drug and alcohol abuse. How can we teach kids hitting is wrong while simultaneously hitting them? In the long run, we can’t.
Most parents would prefer not to have to hit their kids. As was the case for my dad, it can be just as painful for the parent to use force in discipline. Unfortunately, parents who turn to spanking usually do so because they are angry, frustrated and lacking other ways of disciplining. The line between providing a painful deterrent to improve behavior and inducing injury (physical or emotional) is pretty blurry. Parents who resort to spanking aren’t necessarily abusive parents or the horrible monsters social media makes them out to be. It does mean, though, they are operating with an empty toolkit.
To help parents avoid irreparably injuring their children, here are five ways to discipline that do not include striking a child.
Know Your Triggers
Children can be annoying, exhausting and relentless in pushing our buttons. Their misbehavior can make even the kindest parent want to scream and whack something. Figure out when you tend to lose your cool so you can avoid reacting in anger. That is when the majority of spanking occurs.
Have Age-Appropriate Expectations
Parents are often looking for unreasonable behavior from kids. I see this time and time again in restaurants. Children too young to have the ability to remain still and quiet during a long sit-down dinner are scolded and slapped for acting out. I’ve seen the same in church and at an older child’s winter concert performance. It can be helpful to review what children are capable of doing at which age. Then plan appropriately. It’s better to aim low and be pleasantly surprised than to stretch it and deal with a disastrous meltdown.
Apply Logical Consequences for Misconduct
Children learn what to do (and what not to do) by the consequences that immediately follow a behavior. Consequences are so effective that even mice, dogs and pigeons can learn how to behave in desirable fashions. Make sure your children know ahead of time what will happen if they don’t comply with a request or misbehave in a given circumstance. Here are a few examples of explicitly stating consequences before behavior.
Be dressed with shoes on with your school bag packed by 7:15 am to make the bus. If you miss the bus I will not drive you. You will have to use your allowance for a taxi or walk to school.
Be in your pajamas by 8 pm or you will have to go to bed without a story.
If you don’t put your clothes in the hamper you will have to do your own laundry.
Ignore Whining, Complaining, Negotiation, Tantrums and Anything Annoying
Annoying behaviors such as perpetual tantrums, burping, farting, pencil tapping, loud noises and baby talk all bring out the worst in parents. When parents react at all, even negatively, it can serve as incentive for kids to continue to act up. A negative reaction can be as rewarding as a positive one. So instead of losing it and resorting to physical punishment, look the other way long enough for the child to get the message that his behavior is not acceptable. When parents briefly ignore their misbehaving children, kids learn that more desirable behavior is required to receive rewards and attention.
Reward Good Behavior
Parents often spend so much time disciplining that they forget to acknowledge kids when they are behaving well. Unfortunately, if kids don’t receive attention and praise for meeting expectations, they might resort to acting up. Any attention, even unpleasant attention, is often better for kids than none. So don’t miss an opportunity to notice your children cleaning their rooms or being nice to siblings. Praise them for clearing their plates or for doing homework without complaining. If you focus your attention on your children’s positive behavior, their naughtiness is less likely to drive you to any kind of corporal punishment.