Gaslighters are common in the workplace. They seek to undermine your work; turn your employees or supervisors against you; hack into your electronics; constantly demand attention; lie constantly; abuse and harass others; take no responsibility for their behavior; use a "scorched earth" policy to get what they want. They are nightmares to work with - and sometimes the only solution is to leave your job or file a complaint with human resources.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has to work with a gaslighter/narcissist - and she gave an excellent example of how to respond to such a difficult person in the workplace. Whatever political leanings you have, you most likely have a gaslighter/narcissist in your workplace. Learn from Pelosi's example on how to handle communicating with one.
President Donald Trump has held the government in shutdown over wanting $5 billion to build a wall. Pelosi wrote a letter to President Trump, stating that due to the government shutdown, there was a security concern that would preempt him being able to present the State of the Union. This letter is a great example of how to deal with a gaslighter/narcissist in your workplace - or any difficult personality, for that matter. The full text of the letter can be found here: https://www.speaker.gov/newsroom/11619/
She Chose The Right Medium
Pelosi didn't tweet a comment - she wrote a letter and signed it. This has more weight to it than a quick missive on social media. When working with a gaslighter/narcissist, document thoroughly, including writing official letters, rather than quick memos. This conveys the seriousness of the matter to the gaslighter/narcissist.
She Mentioned His Share Of The Responsibility
Gaslighters/narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions. But you can mention how their behaviors got you to this point - even without specifically naming it. Gaslighters/narcissists have hair-trigger tempers, so stating in a direct communication, "you did this behavior" rarely gets you anywhere. However, Pelosi mentions the shutdown without once stating that President caused it. If you accuse the gaslighter/narcissist directly, he will focus on how "unjust" or "unfair" you are. If you imply it, the gaslighter/narcissist knows full well what you are saying - but he is less likely to call it out as a personal attack, for doing so makes him take responsibility.
She Stated Only Facts
Pelosi stuck to facts. She did not state how she felt about Trump, or the shutdown. The only sentence in the letter that could be somewhat construed as emotion was "Sadly, given the security concerns..." Although "sadly" appears as appropriate professional writing in this context rather than an emotionally-charged word. When dealing with a gaslighter/narcissist in the workplace, support your complaint with facts, particularly if you are reporting this behavior to a supervisor or human resources. Gaslighters/narcissists will take any emotion you show or write about and use it against you. They zero in on emotional vulnerability like a predator stalks prey. If confronted by his behavior, the gaslighter/narcissist will try to deflect by making your emotions the center of the argument, rather than their actions. Leave emotions out as much as possible.
She Stated Her Boundaries
Pelosi wrote that she would work with Trump to find "another suitable date" for the State of the Union address, or "consider delivering your State of the Union address in writing to the Congress on January 29th." Pelosi gave Trump two clear options. When working with a gaslighter/narcissist, take control of the situation by giving him a "forced choice" - option A or option B. The gaslighter/narcissist will usually come up with their own option that suits them, but is to the detriment of everyone else. Repeat option A or B again. Repeat them again if the gaslighter tries to obfuscate. (This is called the "broken record" technique.) These are the options. Period. There is no wiggle room.
She Brought Up History
To back her assertions about the State of the Union, Pelosi looked to history as evidence. She wrote, "During the 19th Century and up until the presidency of Woodrow Wilson, these annual State of the Union messages were delivered to Congress in writing." When working with a difficult person, state the precedent that has been followed to this point. This can be anything from the history of your company, the guidelines set forth in your employee manual, or the past documented behavior of the gaslighter/narcissist. While gaslighters/narcissists claim they want to do things their way and throw out the old ways, they are also very cognizant of wanting to look good. This means that they generally do pay quite a bit of attention when you bring up past precedent.
She Stated Her Expectations
Pelosi wrote that her expectation was to work together in order to come up with a new date for the State of the Union "unless government re-opens this week". Pelosi stated what she wanted, clearly. When working with a narcissist, make clear statements about what behaviors you expect from him - and set a time table.
She Knew What Would Impact Him
One of the best ways to motivate a gaslighter/narcissist is to take away their spotlight. In this case, the spotlight meant that Trump would not be seen on every channel during the State of the Union address. In your workplace, if a gaslighter/narcissist is behaving in a manner unbecoming to your company, consider taking them off the committees in which they have a starring role.
She Kept It Brief
Pelosi's letter is only four paragraphs. With a gaslighter/narcissist, it is usually best to stick with your facts, then close your letter. Do not leave any "loose ends" for the gaslighter/narcissist to hone in on.
She Ended With A Call To Action
Pelosi ended the letter stating that "we work together to determine another suitable date after government has re-opened." She stated her goal, and used "we" - the use of "we" can flummox gaslighters/narcissistic personalities, because they are used to "I" and "me". They tend to not work cooperatively. So not only did Pelosi present a call to action, she also presented a challenge. Using "we" in communicating to a gaslighter/narcissist sends the message that they are not the center of attention - you work together as a team effort. It also communicates that one person is no better than another in a situation. Gaslighters/narcissists thrive on thinking that everyone runs in circles trying to please them. Using the word "we" conveys to the gaslighter/narcissist that their audacity doesn't result in you spinning your wheels trying to make them happy.
Pelosi may have expected Trump's response - he swiftly cancelled her travel in a letter in return, and has continued to tweet about it. This is to be expected - gaslighters/narcissists respond to limit-setting by lashing out. In fact, the degree of the lashing out is commensurate with the effectiveness of your communication. So in this case, it is further evidence Pelosi wrote a great letter. They also don't take responsibility for any of the issues detailed in the original letter you send them. Pelosi, at this point, has done exactly what someone should do when a gaslighter goes on the offensive - she's sitting back while Trump continues to escalate. Gaslighters/narcissists usually undermine themselves in the end through their own actions.
See my sequel article Learn How to Deal with Boundary-Hating Gaslighters The Pelosi Way for an analysis of her further communication with Trump.
