PARENTING: Helping kids manage relationships

Our relationships are one of the most important aspects of our lives. Great relationships with our family, at work, at school and in the community usually translate into a more peaceful life. On the flip side, bad relationships can make life miserable.

Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, authors of “Emotional Intelligence 2.0,” remind us to take responsibility for the health and well being of our relationships. “Since you are half of any relationship,” they say, “you have half of the responsibility of deepening these connections.”

Teaching our kids how to successfully manage the relationships in their lives will help them to lead better lives. Of course, they can’t be responsible for how the people around them behave but they can learn some basic skills that will help them do their part to keep their relationships healthy.

For starters, anger can cause some big problems in a relationship. Anger in itself is not bad. It’s just a signal to us that there is a problem.

Let’s start by teaching kids to first identify anger when it begins to rise and to recognize it as a red flag saying, “There is a problem! You need to pause to figure it out.” In that moment of pause, they can ask themselves what is causing their anger.

We believe there are five basic causes of anger: physical discomfort (pain, hunger, thirst, tiredness, etc.), an interruption of whatever process we are in, unmet expectations, a sense of injustice and fear.

In a moment of pause, kids can ask themselves which of the five causes of anger is being triggered. The simple process of evaluating the cause of anger does wonders to calm it.

Then they can approach the other person with a goal of working together to solve the problem instead of attacking the person out of anger. When we act with a goal to solve the underlying problem that triggered anger, we can often get the other person on our team. We call this bringing out their inner genius. The inner genius lives inside everyone. It’s the creative and innovative, rational and purpose-driven part of them.

But there is another person who lives in us, too -- our inner lawyer. This person’s job is to protect and preserve. The inner lawyer manifests as our best defense mechanisms and it doesn’t do much to help most situations.

When people react out of anger, they usually call upon the other person’s inner lawyer and, at that point, it’s unlikely that there will be much progress toward solving whatever problem caused the anger.

We can teach our kids that after pausing and figuring out why they are angry, they can approach the other person by saying, “I feel like there’s a problem and I need your help to solve it.” After explaining their concern, they should listen carefully, concentrating more on understanding the other person than being understood.

There are no guarantees that it will turn out well but learning to manage themselves will help our kids have a better shot at developing healthy relationships.

Jenni Stahlmann and Jody Hagaman are mothers with nine children between them, from an attorney to a pre-schooler, and one on the autism spectrum. Together they host a nationally syndicated radio show, “POP Parenting.” They are also freelance writers and international speakers. Get more information on their website, jenniandjody.com.