Sara Haines on Marriage at 37 and Baby Number Two at 40: 'This Is Just How My Life Looks'

If you're a fan of morning television, then there's a good chance you've watched the View cohost Sara Haines at some point in her storied 15-plus-year career. From Good Morning America to the fourth hour of Today alongside Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford, the 40-year-old Iowa native is a pro at charming viewers with her wit and candidness. Now, as she awaits the birth of her second child with husband Max Shifrin, Haines opens up about finding love in her midthirties, raising kids in her forties, and what she wishes people would stop asking women once and for all.

I got married when I was 37, and I'm having my second child at 40. People say I'm brave, but I say, "I'm not brave; I'm old!" When I was 28, I'll never forget meeting this woman who was carrying her child and saying to me, "If I could give you a piece of advice, it’s don’t wait." I looked at her and was like, "You think this is a choice?" This is just how my life looks like right now. I remember thinking that kind of advice doesn’t help anyone. I had wanted kids, but I was always someone that knew if I’m gonna do this, I’m doing it with a teammate. I remember thinking how frustrating it must be for someone to always hear "Do you want to get married? Do you want kids?" We put so much pressure on people with ovaries. Like, the second you have a set, you'd better be using them. But as women, you just get tired of people asking. I knew it came from a good place, but it definitely made me more sensitive.

I had two long-term boyfriends in my twenties and early thirties. Both relationships lasted about four years. One was 18 years older than me—a homicide detective from New York—and we couldn’t have been more opposite. I wanted kids; he had a kid—all this stuff [why it wasn't the right fit]. And my other long-term relationship would just never commit. I just held on 10 times too many for that. Looking back, I picked people that weren’t going to be the best partner for me. I don’t think I was the healthiest shopper at the time.

We put so much pressure on people with ovaries. Like, the second you have a set, you'd better be using them.

Weirdly, I never thought that eventually I wouldn’t meet someone, because even when they were subpar, I always found someone to date. But I did think maybe the kids won’t happen. I always knew if you put your mind to it and do the work, there’s someone to love for everyone. I have 100 percent faith in that. It’s the people that scare easily that don’t end up meeting people. Or maybe deep down they don’t want to meet someone, and every decision they’re making is putting them in that same place. So if you’re honest with yourself, and you really want someone, you'll find them.

When we look for our best friend or partner in life, we want it to show up on our doorstep, and we don’t want it to be uncomfortable. Online dating is freaky, and there might be creeps out there, but if you’ve been to a bar lately, there are also creeps there! But no one wants to do the work. So I told myself, "It’s now. My life is going to turn out totally different than I thought if I don’t start participating in this part." So I went online, and I said, "If I can go to the gym an hour a day, I can spend an hour a day whether I’m looking online or on a date for one drink." And that’s how I had to face it. I set out knowing I’m here to meet my partner, however long it takes.

I met my husband, Max—who is five years younger than me—during the time when I was working at Today. One of the producers, who was a friend, said, "Can we make an online dating profile for you for a segment about what to do and what not to do?" I was like, "Done!" ’Cause that was on my to-do list. After the segment ran, they said I could delete the profile on OkCupid, but I said, "No, no. I’m going to keep going." There’s some single people here on The View, and I always remind them, "You can’t quit when it gets uncomfortable if you’re serious about this." And for me, Max eventually saw my profile, and we went from there.

I don’t even know what I’m going to eat for dinner! You think I’m going to know my life partner when I see him?

It's so funny, but when you do have one good date with someone, people are like, "Do you think he’s The One?" When I married Max, I still [didn't] know if he was The One. I mean that in an open way. I tell Max, "There’s no one person." We both agree on this and laugh all the time. There are thousands of The Ones. It’s The One you decide to commit to. It wasn’t as romantic or fairy-tale-ish as "I’ve been looking for you my whole life." It wasn’t any of that. We laugh at that. The pressure people put on you to have this big aha moment and "I just knew" moment.

Like, I never f-cking knew! I don’t even know what I’m going to eat for dinner! You think I’m going to know my life partner when I see him? Hells no! So the amount of things we realize as best friends when we laugh, we are also very open to the fact that we’re not going to stop being attracted to everyone else. We were just at a party with models last night and were like, "Max, four o’clock, this girl is totally your type!" And he’s like, "Too skinny!" And we laugh.

Max and I always make an effort—and I think this maturity came from getting married later, because I don’t think I would have been this way at 30, but we’re more realistic about what marriage is. We go to therapy. We’re very open about that. I encourage everyone to do it. Because how do you expect when you meet someone that you’re going to be some easy person to deal with? I was going to therapy before I met him. We go there to get tools to communicate better, and I’m like, "Tell everyone, Max!" It’s not that everyone has to talk about it. Not everyone is comfortable. But the more we make it not so taboo, the more we’ll embrace the fact that you don’t just bring two heads together and all the sudden live a life of "I was thinking the same thing!" That doesn’t happen! I say to Max, "Remember, when we moved in together, I had lived more of my life by myself than a lot of people move into marriages and adjust early." It's like, don’t move my cheese!

For me, it was never an option to settle, because my biggest mission in life is to evolve as far as I can to be the best I can be.

For me, it was never an option to settle, because my biggest mission in life is to evolve as far as I can to be the best I can be. I wanted someone that also recognizes they are a work in progress, and will keep making each other better, and will always keep aiming for that. That was more important to me than anything. I found that in Max, and not because he all the sudden came along on a horse, but we had a common vision. I wanted my equal and someone that could match me in shared vision, and that’s what I found. I think everyone can find what they’re looking for, but they can’t ask for all of it. If I could write my own story, I would have met Max at 30, we’d have babies, and these ovaries would now be in retirement. But they’re not. It never looks the way you thought it would, but you gotta know what you won’t settle for, and that’s why I got Max. I could give up the rest, but I needed my best friend.

My parents are very traditional. They’ve been married almost 50 years. Other than just "Don’t have sex until you’re married," which was their big relationship advice—I might have failed miserably at that, by the way—they were very traditional. But they were always driven for us to succeed. My mom was never the mom that said, "Do you have a boyfriend? When do you want to have kids?" And neither did my dad. They really rode more on achievement, and "Do you have benefits?" They did a pretty good job of never telling us that we couldn’t do something.

One of my sisters got married young—like, 24—and had kids at 25, so my niece and nephew are like 18 and 15. Meanwhile, I'm having my second child at 40. My sister had her babies 19 years ago. It’s not the same scene, and that can be really hard. I was in the throes of postpartum [after my son, Alec, was born when I was 38], and my mom is 73 and has Parkinson’s. I went into "I want to take care of my mom" gear, but I also had a newborn I don’t know what the hell to do with. So it was really hard. You take a lot of the "This is what it should look like," and apply it to a life that looks very different from what you thought.

Now, I couldn’t control the expire date on my eggs, but I asked myself, "If that doesn’t happen, what would I be OK with?" In my mind, I thought, I want to meet someone first, and either we’re gonna get there in the window of time to have some babies, or maybe I’ll adopt, or maybe I won’t have kids. But I know I want my best friend. That was the part I wasn’t settling on. The kids I didn’t know for sure. And I think I was OK with that. I was like, "There’s 1,000 ways this can work out."

Although I'm 40 now, whenever I hit an age, it’s no longer old to me. Because I’m like, "This doesn’t feel what it looks like!" I act 14, so if you do the median age, I sit about 19. But my friend once said to me when I got pregnant with Alec, "I don’t know how you’re doing it now." None of it was uncomfortable [in how she said it to me], but more so that she knew how tiring pregnancy can be. All I could say was "I don’t know it any other way." My mom can say to me, "Well, we all had kids younger," and I say, "Bravo. I’m part of a different club. Your ID needs to be a little bit bigger in numbers to get in." Also, this is just what I know. You don’t know the difference. I don’t know how much more energy I had at 25. I also had 20 more pounds on me. I prefer my body now. So there’s give-and-take. This is just how my life looks.

My mom can say to me, "Well, we all had kids younger," and I say, "Bravo. I’m part of a different club." I don’t know how much more energy I had at 25. I also had 20 more pounds on me. I prefer my body now. So there’s give-and-take. This is just how my life looks.

I try to be as open about my life as a I can because I think postpartum, anxiety, etc., carries a taboo. Medication carry a taboo. Therapists, all of it. When I had Alec, I was really [dealing with] postpartum [depression], and not feeling regular or normal. But I think it was postpartum meets a little bit of just honest feedback about these aren’t my strongest years in mothering. These little years are very hard for me. The more I spoke and I heard women say, "Thank you, I felt the same way," helped me know I wasn't alone. But sometimes when you're transparent, people can be very judgmental. Like, "I didn’t know Sara was going to have a second baby. I thought she hated being a mom?" Those comments were rampant, but all I thought was "I think if we’re more honest as humans and parents, and not just women, that this shit is hard, and sometimes it doesn’t feel natural…then I’m not alone."

I think so much of what catches you off guard is when people have babies and post on Instagram: "Best day of our lives!" And Max and I said, "We will not do that." And if you look back at our post, it said, "In shock, really tired, and getting to know him!" Because it wasn’t the happiest day of our life. He is a gift, but that shit was crazy, and it was hard and hormonal and depressing. We never want to put out that what we’re seeing is not real. My mom reminds me, when people troll me about my parenting, "Sara, parenthood is not defined by zero to two years of age. You’re just starting this job. Your strengths are going to come out at different points, and right now this isn’t your favorite phase, and you know what? That’s OK!" I’m like, "Thank you! But where are they? And why aren’t they talking?!" So I try to be as open as I can with that, because the people that tell me I’m in the same boat, really help me.

Even with all the uncertainty and difficulties, I’m loving my life. And I’m excited to have my own people now. Max and I have our own traditions, our own stuff, and I’m really excited as the world presents these problems and issues, to hopefully turn out two kids or three or whatever we decide, with good hearts. I’m excited for their curiosities. I’m actually excited for them to disagree with me! I can’t wait to be challenged as a parent that does not live through my child, [but one that] watches and enjoys through a front-row seat, and listens as they become thinkers and contributors in the world. To send out two little troops and watch as they stumble and fall and come home, and you just say, "I can’t fix it, but I’m always here for you"—that part sounds exciting. Life is going to be lived again through new brains and hearts, and I can't wait.

—as told to Jessica Radloff