It could have been “I love you, but you’re driving me crazy” or any of the following: “I love you, but you’re not listening to me”; “I love you, but stop leaving dirty dishes in the sink”; or “I love you, but I need some alone time.” I’ve begun many a sentence with those four words, and never paused for a moment to think about what they mean. What are we actually conveying when we begin a sentence like that?
What my husband heard wasn’t the first part of the sentence, but the second, every time. What he heard was “I love you if …” and “I would love you, if only you would …” He didn’t like it, he said so, and I’m glad he did.
He was right. I was throwing “I love you” in to soften the blow, but let’s be honest, when you say it like that, the purpose of the statement is to communicate everything except “I love you.” The “but” slices the top of the sentence off and the “I love you” gets discarded like a strawberry’s calyx. “I love you,” usually the most beautiful and powerful triad of words in the world, becomes inauthentic and trivial — cheap. A throwaway line.
My husband asked if I could replace the word “but” with the word “and.” I stopped and repeated the sentence I had just said to him with the revision, and the light bulb inside my head nearly blinded me with epiphany. “I love you AND you are driving me crazy.”
Suddenly, his driving me crazy was no longer an exception to my loving him. It was part and parcel of the package. I could love him and be driven crazy by him simultaneously! A little conjunction transduction made all the difference.
It took me a while to make the change in my delivery permanent, but it was worth the effort. It has made a significant difference in my communication with my husband, and now, my kids. Above all else, I want my family to know that I love them regardless of circumstances, even if they are driving me crazy.
Honesty Stamp image from artist Dominic Wilcox, DominicWilcox.com.