Dame Margaret on Holiday Self-Care and Difficult Discussions
As those of you heading home for Thanksgiving set out, we know that the discussions you might need to have with family members are likely weighing heavy on your hearts. As white women with progressive values, Sophie and I feel keenly our responsibility to start having uncomfortable conversations with our white peers and loved ones. We do a lot of talking about racial justice among our like-minded friends and allies, but that’s clearly not enough. We know we need to have more of these conversations with people we love who don’t agree, and in the wake of this election, this responsibility feels incredibly urgent. While a lot of places are providing stellar information about how to have these conversations effectively — we especially like the Southern Poverty Law Center’s long, specific guide to confronting everyday bias — we also want to encourage you to center your needs, goals, and limitations before engaging. So, before diving in, remember these three things:
- You are not obliged to to engage in these conversations. Only do so if you are in a place where you and your loved ones feel safe, you feel emotionally ready to begin this work, and you’re attempting to salvage relationships you still value. If you are disappointed in the choices your loved ones have made, it’s because they share values with you that their actions this election seem to contradict. Emphasize those common values. If you do not feel surprised or disappointed by their choice, think carefully about the value of engaging them right now. There is a lot of work to do, and you are not responsible for doing all of it. Your resources are limited and you are allowed to be deliberate about where you expend them.
- Be realistic about how much consensus you can build three weeks after this election. If many months of campaigning were not enough to bring your loved ones’ views into alignment with yours, it is very unlikely that just one conversation, no matter how carefully you conduct it, is going to bring them around. So start small — this is about keeping the lines of communication open. To accomplish more, you will need time. Your only job right now is beginning — changing hearts and minds is a marathon, not a sprint.
- And finally, as we always say: you can only do your half of any interaction. You cannot be so patient, or fair-minded, or persuasive, or clear, that merely through your own perfection you compel someone else to rise to your level. So, do your best and be thoughtful, but also be practical and kind to yourself: if the person you’re talking to did not bring their listening ears, recognize that there is only so much you can do. Give yourself permission to tag out of conversations when they cease to be productive, and practice exit lines to accomplish that. One example: “I started this conversation because our relationship really matters to me, and that’s still true. But I think we’ve taken it about as far as we can today. Let’s take a breather — how is [concrete thing of interest to both of you that is not related to the election]?”
This is good work and, if you feel equal to doing it, we support you. But it’s okay to be focus exclusively on keeping your own head above water. We are still grieving and you may be, too. That’s real, and nothing to be embarrassed about— shaming yourself for your limitations does nothing to increase your capacity for action. It only makes you hurt more. Take careful stock of yourself and proceed deliberately. And vent to us on Twitter just EXACTLY as much as you need.
XOXO/Your Dames
