PARENTING: Rewarding effort helps kids think for success

Decades of research shows that a person’s thought patterns have a direct impact on their success and, with a few simple (but perhaps unexpected) tweaks, parents can help kids develop a winning mindset.

First on the list is to rethink how we praise our children because the wrong kind of praise can actually fuel failure.

Carol Dweck, Stanford University psychologist and bestselling author of “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,” spent decades researching how a person’s mindset affects their decisions and, ultimately, their success.

Through extensive studies, she found that some forms of praise can actually harm a person’s motivation and performance.

“Children love praise. And they especially love to be praised for their intelligence and talent,” writes Dweck. But, for some children, that kind of praise becomes directly connected to their sense of self-worth and confidence. “If success means they’re smart,” says Dweck, “then failure means they’re dumb.”

If a child is regularly told how smart she is or how talented she is, she may become afraid to fail because, in her mind, any form of failure could expose her weaknesses and diminish her level of intelligence or talent.

But if a child is regularly told that life is all about accepting challenges and learning and growing from every experience -- the good, the bad and the in-between -- then failure is just a stepping stone and an opportunity to learn. It doesn’t diminish intelligence or talent. It offers a chance to grow it.

Likewise, success is also a learning opportunity. Just as people with a growth mindset are not defined by their failures, they are not defined by their successes. Instead, they are characterized by effort, perseverance and growth.

So when a student comes home with a good grade, parents can say, “Congratulations, you have mastered that topic! Now it’s time to work hard and learn the next topic.” And when a student comes home with a low grade, parents can say, “Okay, so now we know what areas need time and attention. With hard work, I know you can master this topic.”

This is an example of what Dweck calls a growth mindset -- the belief that with effort, a person’s understanding and abilities can grow -- and it is the key to great accomplishment in every area of life.

In addition to praising effort and growth over intelligence and talent, parents can embrace a lifestyle of learning and create a family culture that emphasizes process over product.

Parents can help kids pursue interests and regularly encourage them to accept challenges with the focus on “becoming” rather than “being.” Although one child may have a natural ability to sing well or dance well or understand math, every child has tremendous room to grow and learn more.

If kids see everyone in the family pursuing interests and growing through both successes and failures, they are more likely to develop a winning mindset that leads to great accomplishment.

Jenni Stahlmann and Jody Hagaman are mothers with 10 children between them, from a newborn to an attorney and one on the autism spectrum. Together they host a nationally syndicated radio show, “POP Parenting.” They are also freelance writers and international speakers. Get more information on their website, jenniandjody.com.