Same-sex sexual contact is illegal in 74 countries. In a handful, it is punishable by death. A growing number of countries are making sex between women illegal.

In Iran, sexual contact between two people of the same sex is a criminal act where the death penalty can be enforced. Murder, drug trafficking, child abuse and armed robbery are all crimes where the same penalty is ascribed.

In Russia, gay people are marginalised under laws against the ‘promotion’ of homosexuality and non-traditional sexual relationships. Enacted in 2013, these laws are barely more than three years old.

In Lithuania, while having sex with the same gender is not illegal, heavy fines can be imposed for public demonstrations seen to violate so-called ‘constitutionally established family values’, according to the International Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Association.

February is LGBT history month in the UK. It is also the month where shops are stuffed with hearts and confetti, with couples pushed to buy expensive Valentine’s Day gifts for their partners.

The i spoke to women from three countries about their experiences of being gay in a country where falling in love comes with an even higher price tag.

Russia

Daphne is 20 and works as an interpreter. She is currently taking a break from her job as she recovers from serious health problems.

I realised women are beautiful when I was 10 years old. By 13, I understood that I was only attracted to women. While my classmates dreamed of a prince, I dreamed of dancing with a princess.

I’m not in a relationship at the minute. If I was, we would have to hide it from society or face the same kind of aggression as if we had killed someone. My family probably wouldn’t support me either. When my mother learned about my sexuality, she just told me to get out.

I left the next morning on a 4am train and we didn’t talk for half a year. Dad talked to me all night before I left. Mother still dreams of me being at least bisexual. Dad just wants me to be happy and he doesn’t care if it’s with a man or a woman.

I am only 20 and I believe that we can change the world.

An experience of being gay in Russia that has really stayed with me came after my ex-girlfriend died in a car crash. My tattooist talked to me with such tenderness and was the only person who was sorry for her death when I cried and asked him to put a second date on our matching tattoo. That stands out for me as an example of real support, though he is not gay.

I only have three friends. One is bisexual and dates someone who is transgender, so she shows me real understanding. The second understands my passion for women. The third one is straight and is a bit afraid of talking about love in general. When it comes to same-sex love she just looks at the floor and says nothing.

When my mother learned about my sexuality, she just told me to get out.

It is dangerous to be a lesbian in Russia if you show your feelings towards your girlfriend. You may be insulted in public, attacked with words, ridicule or even fists. In school and work your peers may treat you aggressively and make you an outsider. In this country, you can be saved only by your own silence.

Gay women are treated differently to gay men. Men here are supposed to be made of stone, and Russians associate the word gay with ‘weak’.

Russian girls are frightened to show their feelings.

The biggest problem in Russia for lesbian women is finding a partner. Russian girls are frightened to show their feelings. That, really, is our biggest problem.

I am a goth, which brings some more difficulty into my life. But I try to keep my head up no matter what. I am only 20 and I believe that we can change the world.

Iran

Sara, 30, is a graphic designer who lives in Tehran. She was born in the UK and moved to Iran when she was four.

How you are treated as a gay man or woman often depends on your style. People accept me more easily because I am quite feminine. But men who are feminine are viewed negatively in society. It is all a matter of upbringing. The bottom-line is: a masculine woman is not despised in our culture. But men who are feminine are often considered unbearable.

Most gay people hide their relationships. I don’t work in a corporate environment anymore but I used to hide my sexuality when I did. It would have caused me a big headache to be openly gay. I haven’t been with someone for a few years. I studied arts and people in this field are very open-minded. I am from Tehran, not from the rural areas.

As long as you are not openly lesbian, it is OK. Hiding your sexuality is really the only solution.

I mostly talked about my sexuality to other people online when I was growing up. Some people do not really understand what ‘lesbian’ means. They would say: “Well, you act like a woman. Why don’t you try it once with a guy? You might really like this guy.“

There is a perception outside of Iran that many Iranians who are gay are wrongly told by doctors that they are transgender and advised to have a sex change.

Discovering I am gay was not an easy period for me.

Yes, we have a few officially sanctioned doctors who give their seal of approval for these sex change operations. It is what the regime wants certain gay people to do. But, while I have been asked why I never date men, no-one has thus far urged me to undergo a sex-change surgery.

I am out to my mum and sister but my father does not know. My parents are separated and my father is living somewhere else with his new wife whereas my mother and sister live in the United Kingdom. They did not readily accept my sexuality and discovering I am gay was not an easy period for me. That is why I understand that someone growing up in a traditional family outside of Tehran must suffer a lot. I personally would not have been able to tell anyone if I were in their shoes.

As long as you are not openly lesbian, it is OK. Hiding your sexuality is really the only solution. That is why it is more difficult to find other gay women in real life. You might perhaps find younger lesbians, but older ones with careers and an established life are rarely open about their sexuality. If you are quiet about it, no-one will bother you. It starts being a problem from the moment someone starts harassing you about it, for example, when you openly campaign for political rights. The moment you are arrested for your political activities, if they ever they find out that you are lesbian you have even more problems.

Our biggest problems are financial autonomy and how society perceives us.

I started having doubts about my sexuality at the age of 14 and from then on in I tried being with both boys and girls. At the same time I began looking for information on the internet. Yahoo chat was very popular at the time and I became friends with people online who were also lesbians. By the age of 18 and 19, I was identifying as bisexual. Then I figured out that I was really into girls and I stopped dating men altogether.

It was very hard growing up as a lesbian in Iran. Finding a relationship is not easy at all. Now a lot of young gay girls will use rainbows and blue hearts on Instagram [to indicate their sexuality].

I met my ex on a lesbian website. She started to writing me; I responded. She was also based in Tehran, and we met. She was bisexual and she not sure what she really wanted.

One of the biggest problems for gay woman in Iran is securing financial autonomy. It is common in our culture for women to be in search of rich husbands. There are certain women who do not think like that, but they are a minority. A rich father will typically give money to their sons so that they could establish a business, but you, as a daughter, would not benefit from the same money. This, despite the fact that the daughter might have the business idea.

Financial autonomy is crucial. When I was younger, that was not as important for me. But as I got older I started to understand how it is. So our biggest problems are financial autonomy and how society perceives us. Of course, our political system directly impacts all of this.

Sara spoke to i i through the My Stealthy Freedom campaign against enforced hijab in Iran. This interview was translated by Vahid Yücesoy

Lithuania

Aušra lives in Lithuania and works as a restaurant manager. She also volunteers at non-governmental organisations

I was born in very, very small village in the north of Lithuania and when I graduated from school I moved to the capital city Vilnius. This is when it all began: learning about my sexual orientation, making new friends, learning more about human rights, feminism and animal rights.

I realised my sexual orientation later in my adolescence. At first, it was very strange and scary because I didn’t know any gay people in my neighbourhood.

Nowadays girls and women talk about same-sex relationships, but when I was a teenager nobody did in my school or at home. Gay people have always been considered outsiders or freaks in Lithuanian society and media.

I am in a relationship with a woman I met on a dating website and I do not have to hide it. I have no shame talking about my relationships but I have refused to participate in some TV talk shows covering same-sex relationships because of a lack of acceptance across the vast majority of Lithuanian society.

I am not very open about myself with my family. We are not very close. My mum knows I live with my girlfriend, but I don’t think she completely understands that she is my lover. She has never said anything bad about my girlfriend. My brother is quite homophobic and I keep my distance from him emotionally and physically. It’s sad, but I don’t want him to insult me or my girlfriend.

We cannot get married or enter into any kind of civil partnership.

I don’t think it’s that dangerous to be a lesbian in Lithuania. I think I face the same level of danger as any woman does. But it depends on many factors such as where you live, work and spend your free time. It’s way more dangerous to live in small town and be out than while living in the capital. I have no fear walking down the streets during day or night time here.

Gay men are hated more than lesbians because people think gay women are only pretending to be lesbians or in a temporary phase. Nobody cares if two girls are holding hands or kissing each other in public, but if guys do that…Well, they don’t. Or if they do, it is only in photos posted on Facebook. And even then they get a lot of hateful comments and death threats.

The biggest problem for lesbian women is having no laws or regulations which legitimise their relationships. We cannot get married or enter into any kind of civil partnership. It’s not possible to adopt a child or have the same rights as straight parents have. If one of the partners has a biological child, the other has no rights to this child.

I don’t want to end on such a sad note, so I want to add that the situation for LGTBIQ people in Lithuania is getting better. Last summer the third Pride March happened in Vilnius and this time many people marched together with the LGBTQI community. This makes me think and hope that after ten more years gay people will have rights they do not have now.