Since in 2016 turning on the news invariably resulted in a rush of negativity, it’s fair to say that by 31 December we were all fed up with the prevailing sense of doom. This perhaps explains why a story – the authenticity of which has been questioned – about a Japanese husband who didn’t speak to his wife for 20 years was reported as a bizarre-yet-comical, and ultimately cheery, item. Better that than to see it as an example of coercive control, something violence against women’s charities have been highlighting for decades.
Last December, ironically rather close to the dawn of the year just gone, some types of controlling domestic abuse became a crime in the UK, punishable by up to five years’ imprisonment. For many though, their understanding of “domestic violence” remains limited to its physical manifestations.
Thus, the Daily Mail and the Sun are happy to report on what they are saying is a true story of a father-of-three from Nara in southern Japan, who has continued to live with his wife despite only ever responding to her attempts at conversation with a nod or grunt. That this might be less a comedy and more a peep into how coercive control operates isn’t dwelled upon in these articles.
The drive to cover it at all is based on this being viewed as a strange but harmless story of the ups and downs inherent in marriage. Nowhere is time given to ponder what, if this story is genuine, would be the grim reality for a woman who was treated like this. Neither is there consideration of what levels of emotional resilience had been worn away to make her remain with a man who grunted responses to her despite them raising an 18-, 21- and 25-year-old. Or to consider the emotional impact of the children seeing their father demean their mother in such a way. The story is instead presented under the jokey headline The Incredible Sulk, without understanding the irony of this pun, with its allusions to explosive rage and violence, and relying on tired gendered stereotypes of the miserable husband and long-suffering wife.
The Mail’s take on the story (a version one commentator believes is an example of fake news and poor fact checking), has been shared 17,000 times. If anyone cares to they can watch the couple meeting and talking at the place where it’s said that they had their first date. Footage comes courtesy of the TV show their 18-year-old son had written into, telling of how he had never heard his parents in conversation together.
As is typical, the wife is blamed for the abuse she has suffered, while her husband admits that he was “jealous” that she was “very involved and busy in raising the kids”. Laughter can be heard when the husband says he intends to speak to his wife after their filmed reconciliation, to which she says she is “grateful”. Again – the urge to see the funny side of things. Reporting like this, which fails to acknowledge the humiliation this woman may have suffered, or to accept that the jealousy that fuelled the sulk is not a sign of love but an example of coercive control, shows how far we have yet to go in publicising the complexities of domestic violence.
Psychological coercion is central to how an abuser maintains their power and yet there persists the focus on physical violence. Trying to turn a story that should make us question the intricacies and impact of such behaviour into a light news item merely perpetuates the problem. It means that the impact on a person who is in a relationship that is emotionally and physically threatening is minimised. And under such conditions it is far easier to believe survivors are catastrophising their perception of reality. These are the types of arguments perpetrators make to those who they are abusing in order to justify their abuse. It is an effective tool for silencing victims.
Coercive control is, thankfully, now on the radar. Last year’s domestic violence storyline on The Archers made listeners aware that it is more complicated than looking out for bruises, and a wider understanding of the issue can only be a good thing. Yet simplistic assessments of domestic violence situations which see the only problem as the woman’s unwillingness to “just leave” continue to fail victims. Instead what is needed is greater appreciation of how coercive control works. That, I’m afraid, is not cheery news but it will go some way towards helping those suffering to be seen and heard.