How to Keep the Conversations Alive in a Long-Term Relationship

Let's face it, we've all seen those silent couples sitting across from each other at dinner or the duo waiting for a bus in an endless quiet gaze. And though it’s easy to judge them and assume that they’ve just stopped making an effort, the truth is, it can be really difficult to keep the conversation alive in a relationship, especially if you've been dating or have been married for a very long time. While those first few months (or years) feel like the conversation never ends, after five, eight, or even 10 years, it’s completely normal to find yourself running aground from time to time. The good news? This is very common among many relationships and simply means it’s time to try and reignite that conversational spark.

According to Dr. Callisto Adams, Ph.D., a dating and relationship expert, one way to amp up your discussions is to talk about everything. "When in a long relationship with a partner, we tend to sometimes forget the importance of talking, sharing, and verbal communication in general," shares Dr. Adams. "Talking about everything means sharing details from your day, expressing your thoughts, talking about something that bothers you, or something that brings you joy. Everything."

Additionally, it's also important to admit that you and your partner have fallen into a bit of a conversational rut. After that, and once you've decided that it's time to take action, there are several simple tweaks that'll have you on your way and chatting up a storm. Interested in learning more? Ahead, here are five tips on how to have better conversations with your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together.

Change Up Your Routine

If there’s one thing that can cause a rut—any kind of rut—it’s familiarity. If you eat the same meal at the same table, take the same walk at the same time, buy the same things at the same store, you’ll run out of things to discuss. So just a few small changes (like a totally new activity, a new restaurant, or a new holiday spot) can make all the difference. Not only will it help shift you out of your comfort zone, but the new element itself will also give you something fresh to talk about.

Don’t Shy Away from Direct Questions

Sometimes we’ve been with someone for so long that we start to assume that we know how they feel or how they always think. Not only does that stop the flow of conversation, but it can also take a toll on your relationship and stop you from connecting. Therefore, go back to basics and ask the kind of questions you would at the beginning of the relationship. For instance: What are your hopes for the next five years? Are you happy? What’s your biggest fear at the moment? What can I do to make your life better? Asking these tough questions, rather than assuming you know the answers, can get the conversation flowing all over again.

Open Up

Similarly, one of the best things for communication is reciprocity. If you feel like your conversation has stalled, set a good example. Delve deep into what’s on your mind, volunteer information, and share what’s bothering you. Don’t be afraid to share your difficult and negative thoughts, as well as the positive ones. This is your partner, after all, and you can feel comfortable opening up, even if the subject matter isn’t easy.

What's more, if talking about difficult situations, Dr. Adams advises couples to be mindful of their initial reactions. "Reacting negatively to a concern your partner has expressed can lead to your partner not feeling free to express their concerns again," she shares. "That harsh, overly-defensive, and negative approach to each other’s concerns tends to cut the pathways of communication, making you or your partner harder to reach out to when in need of comfort, reassurance, or explanations—eventually leading to stop communication due to fear of overreaction and magnifying of issues or debates."

Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Even though we often think about good communication as having these huge, meaningful discussions, it actually is a lot simpler than that. The building blocks of those big conversations are much smaller, and they're found in all of the little connections you have throughout the day. So make sure you stay in touch and keep connected to each other, whether that’s a quick chat in the morning, sending text messages, or just having the occasional impromptu phone call. While they're little gestures, they make a big difference in the long run. And though it may take some time to get used to, touching base and keeping the lines of communication open will make it so much easier to have those bigger conversations later on.

Be Present When Communicating

This should go without saying but: Put. Your. Phone. Away. If you feel like your communication is lagging—or you just want to keep it as good as it can be—technology is your enemy. To really get into those meaty, fulfilling talks, you need each other's undivided attention, so your phone shouldn’t be face-up on the table. In fact, it shouldn’t be on the table at all. Put it away in your pocket or, even better, away in the next room.

In general, if you’ve been together for a long time, it’s totally natural for the conversation to slip a little bit, so don’t stress if you feel like it’s reached a lull. Instead, focus on reconnecting. It won’t take much to have that conversation flowing again.