How to ask for feedback without sounding "Millennial Needy."

Another great learning moment excerpted from some LinkedIn mentoring correspondence, which I’ve been given permission to post.

Here is a quote from that message:

“I don't want to appear 'Millennial Needy' when I go and ask somebody for feedback. If I ask my manager for feedback, I want them to know that I value feedback, I want to do a good job, and I want to contribute. But how do I go and get this feedback without sounding nagging or needy? This is a concern that I have…”

This is a great question, because a lot of how we address this ties into how organizational authority is viewed by a person. People vary in how they approach conversations with those in authority.  Rather than try to concentrate on the differences, I’ve noticed that if I focused on a common factor, both parties can begin to see things from the same frame of reference. This re-frame applies to, and can benefit everyone, not just Millennials. Here is what I wrote in response…

[Name Redacted], this is a great question. I’m beginning to understand how important contribution is to you in your work. Here is a way to ask for feedback without seeming "millennial needy," (not that you are, but hey, they are your words, not mine).  Instead of you asking, "[name redacted], could you pleeeeeeeease give me some feedback on this?"  I'd like you to consider this story instead:

My father recently underwent surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from his belly. Not fun. There were some complications about a week after the surgery which required him to go in for a procedure to remove fluid collecting in a very specific spot deep inside the surgery area.  The only rub was that he needed to be conscious during the procedure.  

The doctor performing the procedure used ultrasound to guide a very long needle to the -precise- location of the fluid pocket. Instead of asking for feedback directly, the doctor made my dad a part of the team by saying: "Tony, this is a straightforward procedure, but it can be uncomfortable. The ultrasound gives me a very good indication of where the needle is, but I need you to report the pressure you are experiencing back to me because that provides me with a very good secondary indicator to guide the needle. It also helps to reduce any discomfort you will experience. Can you help me out with that?"  

The interesting part here is that my wife is a medical professional, and we socialize with a radiologist who performs similar procedures. Both agreed that the doctor performing the procedure could guide that needle 100% by ultrasound, but getting feedback from my father gave him some agency in the situation and framed the entire experience in a positive light for everyone.

So [name redacted], instead of asking for feedback with no frame of reference, frame your request for feedback from the perspective of reducing the pain of the other party. Alternatively, if it is something, the other party is seeking to gain, frame it from the aspiration of achieving that goal or outcome.

One big caveat to be aware of:

No one owes feedback to anyone. If you frame your request from a position of service to the other person, and they decline or shrug you off, understand that it is not a reflection on you. Even so, try to understand where the other person is coming from. When I worked as a civilian for the Army, I had a colleague who purposely withheld feedback from his subordinates because he didn't want them to know his aspirations or pain points. In his eyes, it was either right or wrong. If I was in his place, I might have looked at things the same way as well.

Based on our conversations, the good news for you is your manager does not appear to be purposely withholding feedback. So, what steps have you taken to identify your manager's pain points or aspirations, and how will you frame your request for feedback in a way that makes of service to her in achieving those goals?

-end of message-