My Child Graduated From A Top School And Is Unemployed -- How Can Parents Help?

I recently got an inquiry from a father looking to help his adult daughter jumpstart her job search:

"My daughter (now 30) has managed to land a barely paid internship with [prestigious non-profit] that turned out to be a glorified clerical job; a paid internship with a government relations/PR firm; and a full-time job with the same PR firm. Unfortunately, that job ended after a few months months, nominally as a layoff due to a reorganization but also with some feedback that implied termination for inadequate performance… My daughter is now two full years out of [prestigious graduate school], where she received her Masters and is beginning to fundamentally question the value of her degree, of networking, of staying in touch with faculty, of staying in the job search at all. A person who frequently says, “I did everything I thought I was supposed to do, so why isn’t it working out?” Perhaps the only thing my wife and I could offer at this impasse are tools and resources. I have suggested that she consider coaching, but she is both resistant to suggestions from her parents (I get that 100%!) and like me (unfortunately), extremely skeptical by temperament. For both reasons, my coaching suggestion has gone down in flames…"

As a parent with two daughters myself, I totally empathize with this father’s eagerness to help. But I’m glad he’s not pushing his suggestions even though one of these is coaching. Coaching only works if the end client (the daughter) wants it herself. In the meantime, here are seven other ways to help:

Listening

When she says, “I did everything I thought I was supposed to do, so why isn’t it working out?” assume that last part is rhetorical. Why it’s not working out doesn’t need to be answered, and you couldn’t possibly know the answer anyway. Oftentimes, listening is enough. When a friend or family member confides in me about their job search, I don’t assume they’re talking to me as coach. Sometimes they ask pointed technical questions and it’s clear they want my professional opinion. If I’m not sure, I’ll clarify, “Do you want me to put on my coaching hat, or do you want to just talk?”

Cheerleading

Even when a friend or family member asks for my coaching help, I still don’t jump to problem solving. It’s hard to give advice to someone close to you without it sounding like, “I told you so.” I focus on cheerleading. I don’t mean empty motivational clichés but I point out specific strengths or if I know them very well, specific situations where they have faced an obstacle and come through. Sometimes, just reminding them of something similar that has already been overcome is enough. Getting into a selective graduate program typically involves a string of achievements – I’m sure there’s a come-from-behind story somewhere in there.

Brainstorming

If I get asked for specific recommendations – e.g., what do you think of this or why is Company X not responding – then I still don’t jump to problem solving. I invite the person to brainstorm with me. I repeat what I know of the situation – sometimes just clarifying what are facts and what are assumptions is enough. I also think of other people in a similar situation and talk about them – what the problem turned out to be, what worked, what didn’t work. Of course, these are my client stories so in effect I’m coaching them vicariously. But this way, there is some arms-length separation, and they can come to their own conclusions. You don’t need to have official clients to employ these techniques – perhaps your colleague has a recently graduated child who went through a similar situation, or you read a related feature article or autobiography. Here is one I like to tell; feel free to coopt this example: A recent graduate was working in retail as she looked for her dream job in media or tech. Not one, but two job offers were rescinded during her search but she kept at it, and her third offer stuck (in fact this third offer was from a networking contact early in her search). She’s now at a leading tech company.

Long-Term Perspective

I refrain as much as possible from giving my personal examples, especially to someone a generation removed. My kid’s job search isn’t going to look like my job search. In fact, I have two kids, almost six years apart, and they will have different searches from each other! What I do share, however, are things that I learned only with the benefit of hindsight – for example, if I left a job too soon, if I settled for a less optimal outcome. Even then I don’t give advice as much as share the story – here was the fork in the road and I chose X. In hindsight, I would have done Y because… They can infer from it what they want.

Networking

I will share contacts if it makes sense for both the person I’m referring and the target connection. I don’t automatically assume I have more contacts than someone even a generation removed. I have met some impressive young super-connectors. However, even people who don't think they have a large network usually underestimate how many people they know. So before jumping in with my leads, I help them review their own network – all jobs including internships and work-study, classes, extra-curriculars, summer programs and study abroad, community activities, family, friends, HS, MS, etc. Go line-by-line through a person’s biography to prompt them on who they might know. This is helpful to the experienced and the entry-level alike – we always forget about certain connections.

Resources

Like networking connections, you can share resources – professional groups worth joining or subscribing to the newsletter, publications for general news, industry-specific content, helpful tips and features, latest schedule of events at the library or community center, alumni offerings. If you think the person will insist they’ve already tried whatever you’ll mention, don’t let the advice come from you. Find an article that offers the same advice, like this post on how to maximize your alma mater.

Financial Support

The best financial support you can ultimately gift your child is taking care of your own retirement so as not to be a burden on them in later years. But if you already have that solved and still have bandwidth to contribute, you can make a direct contribution to the job search by paying for a professional membership or buying a helpful coaching book. You can help with day-to-day expenses and take some financial pressure off so they can focus on their job search. (Just make sure they don’t lose the sense of urgency to keep looking.) Getting involved with the financial aspects may open the door to related conversations regarding compensation and negotiation, which is an additional benefit.

So there are many ways to help a loved one, even as you try to give them the space to work things out on their own. I stand by my assertion that a client needs to come to coaching willingly for it to work, but based on the little I know of the above situation, I do think this case warrants coaching in some form. The job market for knowledge workers is strong, so I would expect someone from a top graduate school to be able to land. When I’ve seen other qualified candidates stuck in a job search, there’s typically a tough conversation that needs to be had. I had to tell a perfectly smart, experienced professional that he doesn’t interview at the level his experience implies. I had to tell another client that she sounded disorganized. I had to point out to another client that his description of what he offers wasn’t clear. It’s hard to give this kind of feedback, and that’s when I’m dealing with strangers. I could never give this kind of feedback to friends or family. So if you suspect that there’s a deeper problem behind a stalled job search, get someone else to deliver that message. But do get that message across somehow – the quicker the issues get out in the open, the quicker the search can get back on track.