1. A bad playlist. Why is yelling rock music playing right now? What even is this? System of a Down? How am I supposed to ride to the beat if there is no beat? Do you need me to lend you my Beyoncé playlist?
2. That moment somewhere in the middle of the third song where you don't want to do this anymore. This is also known as the moment where you feel like maybe you might throw up a little bit. No matter how much you love spinning, in this exact second, you hate it and would maybe even rather be doing burpees right now (just kidding, burpees are the devil's exercise).
3. Slow counting. Sir, I know how long one second is, and it is about half the time that it took you to get from 4 to 3. This 30-second push has been happening for at least 40 seconds now.
4. Not being coordinated enough to do the moves on the bike. How are all these people doing this and not falling off the bike? I know the instructor said no one ever falls off the bike, but it's really likely that I am going to be the first person to do so if I attempt to move my body like that while pedaling.
5. Your goddamn shoulders. No matter how much you try to be consciously aware of keeping your shoulders back and down, you will find them up by your ears every single time the instructor reminds you to keep your shoulders down.
6. Third position with low resistance. Unless you have abs of steel, this exercise makes you feel more out of control than Jessie Spano.
7. Competing with yourself. The great thing about regular spinning is noticing yourself improving over time, especially if you go to a studio where you can track your stats online. The terrible thing about regular spinning is you are completely aware when you're sucking.
8. Competing with other people. It doesn't matter if you elect not to participate in the board — you're still mentally ranking yourself against other people, and if your score isn't better than Ms. Number 10, you feel only the deepest shame.
9. When the instructor talks to you. I swear I'm trying my hardest to hit 80 mph right now. Please go away.
10. When the instructor touches you. I just accidentally touched my own arm with my own hand and I was so disgusted. If I don't want to touch me, why are you touching me? We do not need to bond. It's OK. Really.
11. When the person next to you keeps farting. I understand that you can't help it, especially since third position is basically standing mountain climbers that are squeezing your insides together, but I already feel like I am going to pass out and you are really not helping the situation.
12. When everyone has on all the branded gear and you do not. It doesn't matter if you are the fastest person in the room — if everyone else has on the tank tops (and the leggings. And the sports bra. And the socks?!) emblazoned with metallic SoulCycles, you feel like the biggest loser in the room even if you're wearing your most favorite Athleta top and Lululemon pants, no matter how much you claim that those girls look stupid.
13. Drinking the Kool-Aid and buying the gear. You will pry my Flywheel tank top with the cool braided back out of my cold, dead hands.
14. When the instructor thinks it will be fun not to tell you how long this push will be. This does not open your mind or encourage you to work harder or force you to not slow down. It just makes you want to kill yourself.
15. You literally cannot breathe. "Active recovery" (wheeze) is not a (wheeze) recovery.
16. Having a bad ride. Some days you're not on your game, and you just can't keep up or go as fast as you usually do. You know this happens and that it's happened before and that you'll be tapping it back with the best of them next time, but right now you feel terrible.
17. Instructors who make all their motivational comments about burning fat. Yes, one of the reasons you exercise is to get or stay in shape. But it's just one of the reasons. Exercise is not just about fat, and if anything, this is making you feel less pumped up.
18. People who make fun of you for only taking classes at boutique studios. No, your spin class at your gym is not the same thing for less money. Trust.
19. All your friends have different favorite studios. Jess loves SoulCycle. Annie also loves SoulCycle, but only the instructors at the downtown one. Allie loves Equinox. You love Flywheel. Even though you're all addicted to spinning, you almost never take class together because you can never agree where to go.
20. Instructors who sweat-shame you for needing to towel off so much. That's nice that you think that I shouldn't need a towel by the second song because a little sweat is sexy. The sweat literally dripping into my eyeballs begs to differ.
21. Your bun falling out in the middle of a push. Is there any worse sensation than hair glued to your sweat-soaked back?
22. Your workout clothes never really smell clean. You do the extra rinse. You wash them separate from your other clothes. You wash them in small batches. You wash them with vinegar. But there's always, always a hint of smelly old sweat.
23. Should you buy spin shoes? On the one hand, you're worried that they're never quite cleaning the rental shoes properly and it would be nice to not share shoes with a thousand other feet. On the other hand, then you have to clean them yourself.
24. Instructors who yell and clap. Talking [clap] like [clap] this [clap] is [clap] not [clap] motivational.
25. You cannot make plans after class because you are so smelly. Offensively smelly. You don't even want to be around yourself until you get in a shower.
26. Dropping your towel. Noooooooooooooo.
27. Discovering during arms that the person who had this bike before you used the heavy set of weights. You can't get the instructor's attention to get lighter ones, but even if you could, you don't want to look like a weakling.
28. When your favorite instructor is everyone else's favorite instructor. And then you can never get into her class unless you are at home obsessively refreshing the page when the booking window opens.
29. When you get the bike with a problem. Is there anything worse than getting the bike with the loose seat? Yes, there is: the bike where the resistance knob isn't calibrated properly.
30. Any push longer than 45 seconds. Why.
31. When your face is still bright red one hour after class. You walked home in the cold, you took a cool shower, you even turned the heat off in your room — and yet you will be showing up to brunch roughly the same shade as the ketchup on your omelet.
32. Taking a break of longer than 10 days. It makes no difference if you took those days off spinning because you were running a half marathon while on a yoga retreat. Being in spinning shape is different than being in any other kind of shape, and your first ride back after a two-week break is going to feel just as difficult as your first ride ever.
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