If there is one thing that is a consistent theme in my almost daily conversations with clients who have aging parents, it is that one or the other is in denial about how aging changes us. People really want their aging loved ones to be fine. But, sometimes they're just not.
It is a fact that aging has a bad name. Negative stereotypes are all around us. The media relentlessly tells us that if you're not the Betty White type, aging fabulously, you'd better "turn back the clock," "fight the signs of aging," "look younger," "erase aging" and take the medicine of the moment to be sure you don't ever get old.
No wonder people are so fearful of aging. It's made out to be something to avoid at all costs, but it is part of life if we get to experience it, and it certainly can be a dignified time. And yet, when I hear from the adult children of aging parents who are truly in need of help and I realize that they are not looking at that, but just living in denial about it, I get very frustrated. What's with this? Can't families make an effort to have these necessary conversations about change, albeit uncomfortable? They stay in denial and their parents do the same, and it goes on and on until it reaches a major crisis point.
Here's a sample snippet of a typical dialogue I have with an adult child of an aging parent who has gone off the rails. Do you think she waited too long to make a call to anyone for advice?
Adult child: "I'm really worried about my mom."
Me: "Tell me about the problem."
Adult child: "Well, my mom is 90, and she can't take care of herself or the house anymore. It's almost in ruins. She lives alone. It's full of trash, it's filthy, there are rats everywhere, she doesn't want any help and she has dementia."
Me: "What have you done so far about any of this?"
Adult child: "Not much. We talked to her. She didn't want to talk about it so we just kind of let it go. Now the county Adult Services worker is getting involved. Someone must have called them."
If the mother is 90, you can be sure this problem didn't start yesterday. I am so sad when I hear these stories. It is an extreme example of letting things go, and of failing to have absolutely essential talks with the parent much earlier. Adult Protective Services in the county will sometimes have to take over and get a guardianship when family can't address the elder's needs. They're able to operate without denial. The crisis becomes a public matter, a lawyer is appointed, there is an investigation and thousands of dollars are spent. And the aging parent will probably be put somewhere she is not happy to be at all.
When a parent begins to show signs of "slipping" family can't just let it go unless you are ok with very unpleasant consequences. Someone needs to step up and take action. You can keep the situation from deteriorating to the point that the elder's health and safety are at such high risk. (Rats?? Please!) If a parent has dementia, whether it's been officially diagnosed or not, I can only urge everyone to understand that the odds of developing dementia rise with age and that you can't turn back the clock. An aging relative may become incompetent to handle living alone over time. That means over time the family has many opportunities to join forces and start the discussion about what to do. If your parent "doesn't want to talk about it" please get some help with that. Your local Area Agency on Aging is a place to begin if you have no idea about where to start.
If you are prudent, you plan for the possibility of loss of independence. You make sure the legal documents such as Durable Power of Attorney are signed and that someone has permission to make healthcare decisions with an Advance Directive. (The adult child above had neither). You do everything possible to protect your loved one from getting into a situation so bad the authorities have to take over and get the court involved in a guardianship. It is my belief that most guardianships, though not all, can be avoided if proactive steps are taken very early on. Denial doesn't work. Aging keeps happening and we best embrace it, work with it, and do everything possible to dignify the last part of life for the ones we love.
Until next time,
