Evangelical men who pledge abstinence ‘are left alone and confused after they get married’, study shows

  • Men saving themselves for marriage join groups to discuss sexual issues
  • But when they tie the knot they have no one to turn to, new research says
  • Males struggle to see sex as 'sacred' after years of being told it is 'foul'
  • Virginity 'pledgers' become confused and struggle with their new sex lives

Men who save themselves for marriage struggle to get to grips with their sex lives after their wedding night because they have no support, according to new research.

Young men who make virginity pledges, often for religious reasons, are taught that sex outside of wedlock is 'animalistic and foul', but that it is suddenly sacred once they tie the knot.

This can cause men to feel confused and lost, according to the study by Sarah Diefendorf, a sociology doctoral candidate at the University of Washington in Seattle.

Men who take virginity pledges, like this 23-year-old at a chastity event in Knoxville, Tennessee, struggle to know who to turn to talk about sex after their wedding night finally arrives, new research says

Men who take virginity pledges, like this 23-year-old at a chastity event in Knoxville, Tennessee, struggle to know who to turn to talk about sex after their wedding night finally arrives, new research says

Men are given support with their virginity pledge before they get married by friends and family, but this quickly evaporates after they tie the knot, she claims.

Ms Diefendorf told Live Science: 'They spend the first 20-something years of their lives being told that sex is wrong.

'They're expected to make this transition from the beastly to the sacred, but they don't really have the tools to be able to do that effectively.'

While most people who hope to remain a virgin until marriage are girls, Ms Diefendorf said that in Christian evangelical communities men take virginity pledges too.

Steve Carell (pictured) played a 40-year-old male virgin in a 2005 film, in which his character tried to lose his long-held chastity

Steve Carell (pictured) played a 40-year-old male virgin in a 2005 film, in which his character tried to lose his long-held chastity

To help men stick to these vows, churches set up small groups where men help each other as they struggle with temptations like pornography, masturbation and premarital sex.

Ms Diefendorf conducted several interviews with men in one such small group, called The River, in 2008.

The group of 15 men met weekly to support each other in their struggles to remain abstinent, and many became close friends.

Ms Diefendorf said: 'They have these unbelievably honest and open conversations about sex and sexuality and various struggles with that.

'The men also created an intricate system of accountability to one another, with members texting each other phrases such as "Are you behaving?" to make sure other pledgers weren't viewing porn, masturbating or engaging in illicit sexual behavior.'

But by 2011, when Diefendorf returned, all but one of the men had married, and the church group had disbanded. Though the men remained friends, they didn't discuss sex.

She said: 'The church teaches, before marriage, keep it in the light they want these men to be talking about these issues so that they maintain their pledges.

'But post-marriage, the church teaches: keep it in the dark.'

Most of the men said they felt discussing their sex lives was inappropriate and disrespectful to their wives.

But the men also felt uncomfortable talking directly to their wives about sexuality, and said they wished the church would provide more guidance after marriage.

Some still struggled with a desire for extramarital sex or pornography, but didn't have an outlet to discuss it.

Desite their marriages being happy and healthy overall, 'when it comes to their sex lives, that's where they are struggling,' Diefendorf said.

People who make pledges with the Silver Ring Thing wear a silver band to show others they are a virgin

People who make pledges with the Silver Ring Thing wear a silver band to show others they are a virgin

Overall, virginity pledges fail to keep young men and women from having sex, research has shown.

However this may be because previous studies on chastity vows looked at mass-pledging events, such as the Silver Ring Thing, where throngs of teens at a concert-like venue make a vow to abstain from sex until their wedding days.

It is thought teenagers are often swept up in the moment at the events, and later change their minds on holding off until marriage.

Small, focused groups who make virginity pledges have a better track record of keeping that promise, Ms Diefendorf said.

At purity balls, girls as young as three pledge their virginity to their fathers until marriage, while schools that teach an abstinence-only curriculum liken women who have premarital sex to chewed-up pieces of gum.

But Ms Diefendorf said that in Christian evangelical communities, men take virginity pledges too. 

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