How to Be TAGFEE when You Disagree

On being TAGFEE

I'm a big advocate of the TAGFEE culture at Moz. It's one of the big reasons I joined the team and why I stay here. I also recognize that sometimes it can be hard to practice it in "Real Life."

How, for instance, can I be both authentic AND fun when I tell Anthony how angry I am that he took the last two donuts? I can certainly be transparent and authentic, but, anger and confrontation...where does that get fun?

But those times when you need to be authentic—those are the times when being generous and empathetic matter the most. It may seem more generous and empathetic to just withhold that difficult feedback, but it's not. Giving that feedback can be scary, and most people imagine things going horribly wrong and leaving everything in ruins when you really just wanted to help.

Having a little bit of self-awareness and a whole lot of hold-on- there-a-minute can really help with this. I've been sharing with other Mozzers a way to be Transparent AND Authentic AND Generous AND Fun AND Empathetic AND Exceptional. And I thought I'd share a little bit of it with you too.

Conflict can be productive

Why it's important to have productive conflict

Why it matters

If you read about the psychology and physiology of confrontations, you'll realize that our brains aren't at their best when we're in a confrontation.

When threatened, our bodies respond by going back to our most basic, primal instincts, sometimes called the lizard brain or (cue scary music) "amygdala hijack." Blood and oxygen pump away from your brain and into your muscles so you're equipped to fight or run away.

However, having your higher-order thinking functions deprived of oxygen when confronted by an angry customer or coworker isn't such a good thing. Your lizard brain isn't well-equipped to deal with situations diplomatically, or look at ways to find common ground and a win-win solution. It's looking to destroy or get the heck out of there (or both), and neither of those approaches work well in a business environment.

To really communicate,*everyone* has to feel safe. If you are calm and collected and using the collaborative parts of your brain, but the person you're talking to is scared or uncertain, you can't communicate.

Fighting the lizard

Control the physiological and psychological reactions of fear

When you're in a confrontation, how do you control the physiological and psychological reactions of fear so you can choose to act rather than react?

To bring your brain back, you need to force your brain to use its higher-order thinking functions. Ask yourself questions that the lizard brain can't answer, and it'll have to send some of that oxygen and blood back up into the rest of your brain.

Once you've freed your brain from the lizard, you have access to your higher thinking functions - and the resources to have a productive confrontation.

Questions to fight the lizard:

• Find benevolent intent. Ask yourself what you really want from this interaction. Find an intention that's benevolent for both you and the other person. Draw on your Empathy and Generosity here.
• Get curious. Ask yourself why you or the other person is emotional and seek to understand. The lizard brain hates "why" questions.

This lizard has no choice, but you do! (Image by Lisa Wildwood)

What does productive conflict look like?

Giving up "winning" to win

Give yourself permission to try something new. Even if you don't do it perfectly, it's better than the lizard.

These steps assume you've got some time to prepare, but sometimes, you find yourself in a confrontation and have to do the best you can. Give yourself permission to try something new. Even if you don't do it perfectly, it's better than the lizard taking over. And the more you practice these, the easier and more natural they'll feel, and the more confidence you'll have in the power of productive confrontations.

Once I've walked you through all of these steps, I'll talk about how to put it all together. Also note that these steps may be contrary to how you are used to behaving, particularly if you come from a culture that values personal success over teamwork. It may feel strange to do this at first, and it may feel like you're giving up the chance to "win"... but it's worth it.

Steps to productive conflict:

1. Change your story.
2. Talk about the right things.
3. Get curious.
4. Inspire and be inspired
5. Follow up.

Create a benevolent story and a positive intent

The first step to Productive Conflict is to change your story. And to do that, you first have to realize you're telling stories in the first place...

We're all amazing storytellers

We all make up stories every time we see something happen. It's human nature.

Here's my story:

This is Anthony, stealing my donut. He saw me coming and grabbed it before I could. He's munching on my donut while I despair of ever getting a donut. I don't get why he's so selfish that he took two donuts. I mean, didn't his mama raise him right?

Imaged cropped from an image courtesy of Stéfan under Creative Commons license

My story is one we all make up sometimes. We paint ourselves as helpless victims thwarted by an evil villain. Sometimes we don't see them as stories, however, but as reality, and that's where we get into trouble.

The victim/villain story may get you sympathy, but it takes away your power. During a confrontation, it helps if you remember that it *is* a story, and it's also:

• Internal - Something you made up based on what you've seen, assumed, or experienced in the past in a similar situation
• Of questionable validity. It could be true, partially true, or completely bogus
• Mutable!

"Mutable?" you ask. Why, yes, it is!

Changing the story you're telling yourself is the key to having a productive (and powerful) conversation.

Make a happy story

You can read body language really well. And so can the person you're talking to.

If you're going to make up a story, make one up that helps you resolve an important issue and maintain your relationships.

Change your story to the most kind and generous one that fits the facts you've seen, and then believe it. Why? Because non-verbal cues, state of mind, fear or anger, and judgments and stories affect your reactions and approach to the conversation.

If you've planned your words out carefully but the intent doesn't match, the other person can tell. If your intent isn't good, the interaction won't be good either. At best, you may appear to be trying to do the right thing but not really managing it. At worst, you appear insincere and manipulative.

Here's your benevolent story, just waiting to hatch
(Image by Pon Malar on Wikimedia under creative commons license)

How to change your story

To help change your story, ask yourself these questions:

• Why might a reasonable, intelligent, courteous, kind person do that?
• Could there be circumstances I'm not aware of that could be contributing?
• What if it was me? How would I explain what happened from my perspective? Be as lenient/forgiving as you can to your imaginary self

Review the facts... what you've seen and what you've chosen to pay attention to. They may all appear to support a nasty story, but you don't know for sure. Think of the Rorschach tests... people see different things depending on how they're feeling and their unique view on life, so find a benevolent story. My new story So, let's try this on my story. I'll start with the facts, remove my emotional devastation at not getting a donut, and create a benevolent story: My facts are: I saw someone take the last two donuts. My new benevolent story is: Anthony didn't see me, and didn't know how much I was craving a donut.

What do you see? (Image by Hermann Rorschach (died 1922), [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)

But my story is true!

Let's assume for a moment, your not-so-nice story is completely, 100%, bonafide TRUE. This is hard, but consider this carefully... It Doesn't Matter!

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is the best way to motivate them to change. By creating a benevolent story, you give the person a way to improve AND save face. It's magic!

Assuming the worst can severely damage your relationships, even if it's true! Getting caught it a mistake makes people immediately defensive, which will hinder the conversation. Give them a chance to just fix things and they'll be grateful to you and more inspired to make the change stick.

And then there's the flip side... what if your story is partly or all wrong? This situation, as you can imagine, is much worse.

You'll probably never find out what truly happened, and may find yourself arguing about the parts you got wrong rather than the real issue. It also damages the relationship, and here's the key point: even if the person can get past their anger and hear your message, they will likely not like you, trust you, or want to work with you. And I've heard crow tastes really bad.

The power of a benevolent story and positive intent

The last part of changing your story is figuring out what you want from the conversation.

Think about what you want to happen, but also what you want from the relationship. The power of a benevolent story and positive intent is that it fosters a better relationship based on trust . That is huge and I recommend that it be part of the intent of all conversations.

Judgment doublecheck!

When you're done, go back through what you've got down and make sure a not-so-nice story hasn't crept back in:

• Remove judgment
• Check that the issue matches your intent

Some examples

Here's some examples where I take a nasty story, break it down to the facts, and then create a new, benevolent story and a positive intent for a discussion.

Remember that stories spread...all storytellers love an audience. So make sure your story is spreading positivity

Get clear on what the conversation needs to be about

What do you want from the conversation?

The next step is to think about what the real issue is. What exactly needs to happen? Who is involved? Who is impacted? Which facts are known? What information is available?

In TAGFEE terms, this is where transparency and being exceptional come in. Make sure that you're talking about the right issue.

Ask yourself:

• What is the impact to you and others?
• What are the facts?
• Scope – is this the first time? The second? The umpteenth?

Can you spot the judgment?

I just broke my own rules... can you see it?

I'll give you a hint...it's that last word in the Scope point... it sneaks in, so check!

Are you talking about apples when the issue is really oranges?

Scope is important: If it's the first time something has happened, you talk about what happened. If it's the second or third, talk about how it keeps happening. If you can't remember how many times it's happened, talk about how the behavior is affecting your relationship.

Ask questions to understand and get to the root causes

Be an information maniac

Find out how the other person sees the situation.

Before you trip too far down that happy path, get more information. Seek to understand. Use Empathy and Generosity, and be Authentic. Ask neutral questions to create safety, and give the other person a chance to respond – you might find out something you didn't know.

Asking neutral questions can create a space of collaboration, where you are both on the same side trying to figure out how to solve an issue you both agree needs to be resolved. It's not always possible to turn a conflict into a collaboration, but you'd be surprised how many times it does work that way.

Another benefit of asking neutral questions is that it puts off conclusions and judgments until you have talked to the person involved and heard what they have to say. This is critical to keeping the conversation safe and collaborative.

Questions to ask:

• What is your perspective? What do you see going on?
• What's important to you? Tell me more about that.
• Here's what I notice... What do you notice?

State conclusions tentatively

You can state a conclusion tentatively, making it clear you're looking for their input on whether that conclusion is valid or if they have more information.

Listen carefully and continue to put off judgment until you've heard what they have to say.

Putting off judgment makes it easier for *you* to admit that you've been wrong. You may find what you thought was going to be a difficult conversation instead opens up a new level of authenticity and collaboration in your relationships.

Make sure anything you state definitively are only facts, devoid of judgment.

Be open to being wrong!

Or being surprised by more information that turns your story on its head.

Just maybe it wasn't Anthony I saw "stealing" donuts in the stormtrooper outfit...

Create a mutual purpose or common goal that inspires everyone to move forward

It's all upside

Why inspire others? Well, why not? There is no downside to inspiring people: it benefits everyone.

The earlier steps talk about getting clear of the negative. This is where the good stuff happens. The Fun in TAGFEE! If you start from what felt like a conflict and end up with a mutual understanding with someone about what an issue is and how to resolve it, all things are possible. It can feel like magic! You move from confrontation to collaboration and win-win thinking that can help you both step outside the box.
Here's a chart that's totally made up, but it communicates a key point in communication. Collaboration happens when you both trust and respect the people you're talking to!

True collaboration

You need both a willingness and freedom to disagree, and mutual trust and respect to get into the "Collaboration Zone." The key to inspiring others is to seek to understand their point of view and their goals, and work together with them to find common ground.

Start the collaboration engine by asking some powerful questions and seeing what you can agree on and brainstorm solutions.

Collaboration engine questions:

• What's working?
• What do you think?
• What can we agree on?
• What are we both interested in achieving?
• What's important about resolving this?
• What can we try?

A rainbow of solutions

Solutions often go from the black and white "my" vs. "your" choice to a synergistic combination of mine and yours and other ideas we brainstormed along the way.

You may disagree on how to do something, but if you can agree on a common goal, you're one step closer to a win-win solution.

Instead of accusing Anthony of taking the last donut and demanding that he promise to never do it again, or be reported to Team Happy for a happiness "adjustment," my conversation is now about fair access to donuts at Moz. The entire conversation's focus has shifted from "I want Anthony to know how angry I am he stole my donut" to "how can we make sure no-one at Moz is donut-deprived?" Magic!

Fair Access to Donuts at Moz - Possible solutions:

• Work with Team Happy to make sure there's enough donuts for everyone who wants them
• Ask everyone at the company to only take one
• Get a fresh donut machine where we can all make our own donuts on demand

Agree on what to do next and circle back around
This is a little step with a big impact.Make sure you've captured your conversation and everyone is on board to take action to make your solutions a reality. Being Exceptional and Authentic come into play here. You're collaborating on a solution and then making it happen.

Once you've established a shared understanding of an issue that needs to be resolved, it's time to figure out how. Solicit ideas for how to solve the problem. Listen, acknowledge feedback and discuss pros and cons on the solutions until you both agree the solution is a good approach.

Make sure everyone is in agreement on:

• Goals. How will you measure success?
• Due dates. Who will do what by when?
• When to check in: What time will we check to see how we're doing?

Wrapping it up

Have productive, inspiring conversations, whether you agree or disagree

Before you talk to someone

At first, it may help to write down what you're planning on saying.

I've broken this down into discrete before and during steps, but it doesn't always end up being that way in practice. Use these steps to plan and practice until it comes naturally.

Steps to prepare:

• Calm down! Lizard brain begone!
• Create a happy story
• Make sure you're talking about the right thing
• Write out what you want to say and check for your old story & judgments
• Remember your benevolent intent

Have the conversation

Steps:

1. Ask if the person has time to talk
2. State your benevolent intent
3. Keep to the facts
4. State conclusions tentatively
5. Get curious - seek to understand their point of view
6. Be open to being wrong. Change your mind if needed.
7. Aim toward collaboration.
8. Finish with summarizing what you've discussed, and who will do what, when.

Remember the conversation may dictate you take a different path.

If the conversation starts to get heated, re-establish safety:

• Restate your intent
• Explicitly state what you're not trying to do. For example, "I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm trying to help us come to a solution that works for both of us."

When conflict finds you

If you find yourself in a conversation unexpectedly, these steps can still help. Get curious, find out what they want, how they're feeling, and tentatively state your perspective and ask for feedback. Some other ideas:

• Accept the input and acknowledge the emotions but don't reciprocate. Ask yourself "what do I want from this interaction" to rescue your brain from the lizard.
• Do your best to establish safety for you and the other person by establishing a positive intent. It can be as simple as "Wow, Lisa, I can see you're really upset about not getting a donut. I'd like to figure out how I can fix this - can I ask you a few questions?"

Don't hesitate to take a break

If the conversation is heated, it may be better to step away and take the conversation up later. You might say:

"I can see this is an subject we both care deeply about. I'd like to take some time to prepare for a productive conversation, can we take a break and meet back here in an hour."

An example conversation

So, my side of the conversation with Anthony about the donuts might go like this:

"Anthony, do you have time to talk?" "I'd like to talk to you about making sure everyone at Moz has the opportunity to get a donut. " "I saw someone taking the last two donuts this morning, and I was disappointed that I didn't get one." "I thought it might be you, so I wanted to talk to you to see what happened." "I'm not accusing you of taking the last two donuts. I'm trying to figure out what happened and then work on how to make sure the donuts are evenly distributed at Moz" "Oh, so you were grabbing a donut for Crystal too! Wow, I totally misinterpreted what I saw!" "Can you think of ways we can ensure everyone gets a donut?" "Great, so I'll contact Team Happy about getting a donut machine tomorrow, and you'll approve the expense report on Friday."

Image from Nostalgia Electrics

Perfection not required

Not everything will always turn out wonderful, but at least you've approached the problem and given feedback in a way that has the best chance for a positive outcome for everyone involved.

Maybe you're a little closer to what the real issues are, or you've agreed to disagree; even those outcomes will keep miscommunication or confusion from being a source of problems.

If I really feel that donut was mine, and Anthony really thinks that donut was promised to Crystal, we may not agree, but at least everything is on the table where we have the chance to deal with it. And, we're not telling our nasty stories to everyone but the person we need to talk to.

Feedback is a gift

Annette Promes, our CMO, said to me, "Feedback is a gift," and it is.

Most folks want to know, and are truly interested in being better… better coworkers, friends, and humans. So let's all resolve to give that gift in the best way we can. And receive it gratefully when it comes to us.

Oh, and that donut conflict… totally made up. I'm gluten-intolerant girl, so you can always have my share, Anthony! :)

Give me feedback

I experimented with converting a training class into a blog post, and would love to have your feedback on what works for you and what could be better.

Other resources

You may find these resources helpful too:

5 Rules for Productive Conflict (TED talk)

6 ways to make conflict productive