"I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me."
You know that line from an infamous post-it note. But I know it from the multiple times I've used it to say that no, I won't be your bridesmaid.
It's not that I don't love you. (I do.)
It's not that I despise your fiancé. (He's awesome, and I love how he makes you happy.)
It's not that I frown on marriage. (It's beautiful and fulfilling… I hope.)
Really, it's simpler than that. I can't be your bridesmaid because I'm too busy to attend bachelorette weekends, multiple showers, endless trips to the tailor, and…
Wait. Honestly? That's only half the reason.
The other half is a gut-shaking feeling that's hard to define and even harder to admit. But here goes: I can't be your bridesmaid because I think bridesmaids shouldn't exist. l think it's cruel to expect your fellow besties to invest considerable funds and time into proving we're your friend… at the very moment you're entering a union that, by definition, means we're stepping aside for your new "best friend and partner."
Now is the time when trigger-happy haters stop reading this story and type "you're just bitter!" in the comments section. But I'm hoping the rest of you will hear me out.
Let's start with something that might surprise you:
I love weddings. They're a beautiful and exciting celebration of love, growth, and the magic that can make two strangers into soul mates. They're a neat three-way reunion of family, old friends, and new ones. And they usually have champagne and/or cake, which makes them even better.
That said, weddings don't just celebrate a commitment—they are a commitment. Most require plane tickets, hotel rooms, and rental cars. (Recently, The Today Show reported 10% of guests go into debt just to attend.) Some weddings are on holiday weekends that usurp family time or summer timeshares. Often, we have to take a personal day from work just to get there. But if you ask me, I'll do everything I can to witness your vows. I will do this because I believe in you and I support you.
What I won't do is set aside another week of personal days and travel fares. I won't take part in "bridesmaid duties" that continue to expand faster than Real Housewives franchises. I won't throw you an engagement party and Bridal Party 1 (just for bridesmaids) and Bridal Party 2 (for everyone) and… yeah. I won't take you on a bachelorette beach cruise, or throw you a shower that demands lavish gifts. And I'm sorry to be so old-fashioned, but please wake up: Having love in your life is the gift… not a blender. It's rude—and weird—to expect friends to buy you things when you already have something invaluable: a partner who's probably paying half the rent, giving you more health insurance options, and helping you carry groceries, all while serving as a permanent, live-in hookup.
And this is where the real problem lies. At the heart of the "bridesmaid" concept is an inconvenient truth: If you're getting married, you're gaining another half—which by definition means you need less stuff, and also have less time for people who aren't your One and Only. (Note how the phrase is not "your One and Only… except for those four girls who got you wasted in Cabo.") It's socially unacceptable to say so, but here goes: I won't give up all my free time to celebrate your choices. I need that time to make my choices. And don't get me started on the investment: CNN estimates bridesmaid fees at almost $2K per wedding, and etiquette "expert" Jodi R.R. Smith even suggests brides create a spreadsheet for their inner circle to anticipate costs. (And let's face it, girls, a mortgage or graduate school tuition is super-boring when you can buy more taffeta instead.)
So yes—and yikes, sorry—I really do think we should ban bridesmaids. The concept is antiquated and further punishes women who haven't taken up the (white, crystal-studded) veil. And I know I'm not the only one with these feelings, especially since a recent survey says 10% of women say "no" to the dreaded pastel dress. Does this mean those women don't love their friends? Are they just jealous hags who can't be happy for other girls? Let's go with "absolutely not" on both counts.
The reality is, we women—no matter our relationship status—are complex creatures. We can be thrilled for your coupling and still be mad at our exes. We can take joy in your union while still questioning monogamy. And we can be dearly touched you want us to be a part of your special day while still needing (and deserving) to protect our own limits. ("Methinks the lady doth blog too much," say the aforementioned haters, but whatever. Onwards.)
I believe our friendship is bigger than a weekend in Vegas and a West Elm wish list. And I know we can tell each other things that aren't "correct" without fear or judgement, because really, that's what a true sisterhood is about. So thank you for asking if I can be your bridesmaid. I'm so honored that you want to enlist me in your life-changing day—and if it were just that one day, or one weekend, I would say "yes" in two seconds. As it stands though, this whole bridesmaid thing? It's just not going to work. I love you, but I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me.
Via ELLE.com
Faran Krentcil is a fashion journalist and critic based in New York City. She is the founding editor of Fashionista and a graduate of Duke University. Her work has been published in the Wall Street Journal, Vogue, Harper’s Bazaar, and more.
