14 Hilarious Quotes About America (That Are Totally True)

The 4th of July is upon us, so it’s time to reflect on our great nation (and, of course, suck down copious amounts of hot dogs, shop, and DIY our own American flag clothing.) Before we do all that, we decided a good way to celebrate the ol’ US of A is to compile some witty, sarcastic, and just plain funny quotes about America that have famously made the rounds.

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From socially-conscious comedians like Bill Maher and Stephen Colbert, to beloved actors like Bill Cosby and Lily Tomlin, read on for 14 funny quotes about America. After all, how American would we be if we couldn’t laugh at ourselves once in a while?

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When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
—George Carlin

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.
–Stephen Colbert

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
–Lily Tomlin

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.
—Dan Rather

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
–Woody Allen

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
– Jackie Mason

Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
–George Will

I do feel more myself in America. I can regress there, and they have roller coaster parks.
—Alan Rickman

In America, anyone can become President. That’s the problem
– George Carlin

New Rule: This Valentine’s Day, Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what’s on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts.
–Bill Maher

March Madnesss…the only place where you hear ‘Kansas is advancing.’
—Bill Maher

All people are born alike. Except Republicans and Democrats.
—Groucho Marx

In America you can say anything you want, as long as it doesn’t have any effect.
—Paul Goodman

In America, sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world, it’s a fact.
—Marlene Dietrich

Ninety-eight per cent of American homes have TV sets, which means the people in the other two percent have to generate their own sex and violence.
—Franklin P. Jones

As a New Yorker, I’m someone who lives on an island and looks across to America.
—Laurie Anderson