Life Is A Journey
With my latest new health issue, crazy leg, I have been scared to do my walking which means I gained 5 pounds, no bueno. The issue is with what I have atrophy sets in very quickly which is why I had been walking and doing minimal exercises, basically to just maintain and try to slow down RSD which attacks muscle and bone. The leg has really thrown me for a loop, it's actually called dystonia and is more nerve related then muscle according to my doctor but I prefer to call it crazy leg. When I say crazy leg you need to picture this, so let me try to paint it for you. My leg went up in the air, I was sitting, and started to shake and flop around like a fish out of water, hence crazy leg. I haven't had anything that extreme but I am still having involountary movement in the left leg, arm and hand as of yesterday the right hand has decided to join the party. It happens daily but it's not always as big as the well, crazy leg and I can mask it. Don't get me wrong its not funny, I know this but my personality is to make a joke out of anything. It's my defense mechanism and do you really want to hear someone that is always a Debbie downer? Yesterday, I made myself go back to walking.
It wasn't exactly fun but I did feel better afterwords, its my little way of taking back my life and if I don't the writing is on the wall, wheelchair and sorry I am a shoe girl so not going to happen. I walked again today and I'm not going to gloss it over because I know some of you are also suffering from RSD. The last thing I want to do is minimalize it, minimalize your pain and struggle but we all deal with things in our own way. I believe there is no right way to grieve, just the right way for you. If we don't move, if we avoid things because it hurts we will lose to RSD or any chronic pain/illness you may be suffering from. Every step I took was agony and I wanted to quit several times. It feels like the bones in my foot are pushing through and i am actually walking on them with no cusion but I kept going. My left arm turned blue and began to swell to epic purportions and the spasams felt like they were grinding my bones but I kept going. I have a stupid 'manta' that I say to keep myself going, 'there is nothing actually happening, this pain isn't real' I repeat it over and over again.
I control my breathing and melt into my mantra, knowing that every step I take is another day I am avoiding that wheelchair. I asked my doctor if I should stop and he said no, he said the walking and small weights are not hurting me. He said 4 years ago I was sure we were going to have to take your arm. He said that although it keeps spreading, I am still here, I am still smiling, laughing and keeping my arm. I realized I did that, not the medicine but me. My will to keep being here, to keep being present so every step although painful is keeping me walking. The moral of the story, you are still in control of your life and although it may not be easy you can make a difference. I can not stop the spread of the RSD but I can control how much of me it gets to take so get up and move even if it is only 15 minutes a day take back your life. It's not easy but nothing worthing having ever is.