When Jake's date revealed she'd frozen her eggs for future use, he was intrigued...and relieved. Here's why...
For men, women's biological clocks are like gluten-free nachos or The Bachelor. We know these things exist—we just prefer to pretend they don't. It's not that men are afraid of having kids (OK, we are a little afraid); it's that we don't want to be conscious of human biology forcing the issue. When that happens, romance flies out the window and we stop seeing you. Instead, we just see that clock ticking. Men want to live in a fantasy bubble where they get to decide stuff—a bubble in which romance and reality are kept separate. And if we're inside this fantasy bubble long enough, we may just get to know you and fall in love.
Thus it was a cloud-parting revelation when I met the Egg Lady.
A mutual friend introduced us at a birthday party. We flirted a bit over drinks, during which time she told me about the other men she was dating. There was Antonio,* an Italian painter she was "sorta, kinda seeing on and off," and another dude who lived in Chicago with whom she watched The Walking Dead via Skype. I liked that she told me about the other guys—it ignited my competitive spirit. (Men enjoy competition. How else can you explain monster-truck rallies or hot-dog-eating contests?) When I gave her my number, she told me she definitely saw us as being friends, and "at the very least, making out at some point." She exuded a unique air of confidence that I found incredibly intriguing.
On our first date, over gourmet pizza and a bottle of pinot noir, she offered up a tantalizing personal tidbit: She'd frozen some of her eggs for possible future use a couple of years ago, after ending a long-term relationship that nearly led to marriage. "We were picking out rings when I had a panic attack and realized we were totally wrong for each other," she told me. Suddenly single and in her early mid thirties, she started to worry about finding a new guy while her eggs were still fertile. So, with a friend's encouragement, she decided to pony up the cash and undergo Operation Eggstraction (or oocyte cryopreservation, if you want to be all scientific about it). Now she pays a yearly fee to keep her eggs on ice, ready to defrost as soon as she finds the right guy (perhaps me?). "I'm not even positive I want kids," she told me. "I just want to keep my options open."
I felt a wave of relief wash over me. Learning her eggs were locked away somewhere safe, like Han Solo in carbonite, was immensely liberating. She had taken care of herself—and, by extension, of me as well. I know some might find the notion of freezing one's eggs in order to later defrost, fertilize, and, ahem, reinsert them to be distinctly unromantic, but knowing she had done so allowed space for our relationship to blossom, clock-free.
See, men—and romance—need that space. When a man's getting to know someone, he doesn't want to think about the fact that she's worried about babies, or that her parents might hate him, or that she has three cats he's allergic to. We want to get to know you and to figure out whether we truly like you before those realities intrude.
To be clear, I'm not saying that women need to run out and freeze their eggs just to put men's minds at ease (that would be ridiculous). But whatever you or your date can do to help yourself or the other person relax about the future and be in the present is a good thing. I was impressed that the Egg Lady put reality on ice, literally, not just because it took the pressure off me but because it showed me immediately that she was strong and decisive. That's part of why we made it to our second date. Give romance a little room, especially at the start. Because if you connect with that guy across the table, who's trying as hard as he can to impress you, and the two of you come to care for one another, you can face all of life's issues—from cats to eggs and beyond—together.
Jake is a real single guy dating in Los Angeles. Read his answers to your biggest relationship questions at glamour.com/jake.* Some names and details have been changed.
