My wife has no arousal mechanism whatsoever. Nothing can be done by me to get her horny. Dry as the desert. Worse...cum makes her gag which means no BJ or HJ for me. She doesn't like to receive oral either. There is no heavy breathing and no passion. Doesn't like to be touched at night while sleeping so in all the years I've been married I've never been able to hold her or be held by her in the middle of the night. In other words, my bed feels empty at night. She is willing to cuddle other times...I'm just saying my bed feels empty at night.
She has no sexual fantasies at all. I love talking about sex with a woman and I find it very intimate. With her...nothing to talk about. She really gets no pleasure from touching me sexually. She will do it out of love but doesn't enjoy it. She was willing to have sex but it was just really, really unsatisfying for me. About 2 years ago I had enough and I refused to ever have sex with her again. I told her for the rest of our marriage I'll never have sex with her again. While intellectually I know she is a woman, I no longer really think of her as a woman. I look at normal women and think, "wow, what would life be like had I married her?" My wife to me is now more of a blank. I love her...but honestly don't think of her as a woman. Anyone else feel that way about your wife?I wonder if you had not said anything, if that might have been better?
Either way, it's a tough situation to be in. Feel for you dude.
I have had a very similar marriage if you add hostility towards me and zero touching. I'm getting divorced. I'm sorry you are in this situation because it can feel humiliating and powerless. I was very angry and resentful towards my wife until I decided I could get divorced. We've been a part for over a year and I've been able to see her in a different way. She is a woman not interested in sex or any kind of intimacy I recognize. She wants a companion and financial security. All of her love and caring for me shifted to our children. She's ok with that and can't understand why I am not. She never liked sex and only did it for children and courtship. These are not complaints, but her own statements. There is more to a woman than a vagina you get to use. I've learned I felt rejected and trapped. My trap was an unwillingness to get divorced and once I made that decision, I calmed down and felt free. I know there are folks here that remain married with permission to seek sex elsewhere. If you want to be married, then have the talk. Anger is a secondary emotion while hurt and fear are primary. She is a person and is worthy of respect just like you. The hurt you feel doesn't diminish her as person. When you can let go of the pain and hurt you feel, you'll see she is just a person, too. It's not about her, it's about you. She's going on in life probably content while you are making yourself miserable. Again, I'm sorry you are in this and there are many here who understand.
"Men need to be loved physically before they can love emotionally. Women need to ge loved emotionally before they can love physically." An acceptance of this may help everyone get along better.
I thought I had it bad with mine! My wife actually is the best damn giver of BBBJCIM that I have ever or probably ever WILL have. Unfortunately its once a year. She is very orgasmic and has strong kegel muscles to the point that she has to warn me when shes cumming ao I am already inside when she starts cumming and not in mid stroke or she'd break my dick. Again, its infrequent, just once a month or so. Every now and then.she'll go on a "hot streak" where we have sex 2 or 3 times a week, but generally its once a month. When we have sex its great, we just have it so infrequently that I am climbing the walls and see providers unbeknownst to her. Keeps me happy, she's happy because I'm not pestering her for sex and we both go on with our lives. Being as she is absolutely batshit jealous I simply can never allow her to catch me even talking to another woman. She is in her 40's, overweight and sloppy, but shes a tiger in the sack when I can get her there. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if we had sex 2-3 times a week every week, I probably wouldn't see escorts, but when I get laid on week 1, by week 3 or 4 I am simply dying to get laid, but she won't have it till she's ready. I even try to entice her with oral (she loves when I do that) but if she's not in the mood, ahe's not in the mood.
Providers make a once or twice a month profit off me while ahe's not in the mood
Once a month is a lot compared to some, like the OP, who don't get it at all or those who get it once a year or every couple years. Not sure what the point is when it's so infrequent though.
Had the same issues in my marriage, although at least in my case, my ex wasn't always that way. Has yours been? And if so, then why did you marry her? I don't mean that to sound like an accusation. I mean it to sound like a legit question, because the answer may give you some insights into why you're still together and/or whether you should be.
... and mostly true but I stopped laughing after a few years. So, many years ago I traded in the 40 year old for a couple of 20 year olds. Best thing I ever did. Now I'm spoiled and I could never enter into a relationship with a woman who wouldn't celebrate frequent sex and have a perverted, dirty mind like me.
The different dynamics of married people that join the hobby.
Jchan what beautiful advice you give, I agree so much.......
yet understand ones own feelings & resentments can get in the way of seeing your partner as an induvidual entitled to their own feelings since it's easy to blame when you have resentment if you allow thoughts of: "if only..,."
IMHO no matter what happens between partners & how they choose to deal- open communication can be a very positive thing most times..yet those of you who know better & know your partners intricacies
(such as Fridays -wow how odd-& I imagine rare- is ur wife, lol)
Confidence can do wonders in any realationship you can remind or build this up with daily affection
think: touch (not always sexual) and compliments, even if you don't believe the compliments right away start by stating how you expect the person to be, or speak what you know they are capable of & always remind them of ways you value them...
I think these are great ways to keep close, no matter what decisions you come to as a couple or independently.
People have many reasons not to get divorced,I believe there are respectful ways
to "have your cake & eat it too" as the saying goes.......but the truth is: men's sexuality is more complex then I once thought, & most women probably don't realize that.....it's ok, sex is SO good & when done right & safe it's good for all of us,
we all desserve to have a sex life, right 
Congrats to all of you in touch, considerate, TER members...
I love reading whats on your mind & all the helpful advice that's shared. :
sex? cake? eat your cake and have sex too?! it has been so long since I have been married I am not sure if I ever ate my cake and had sex too! and now? no cake, no sex, unless the paycheck has excess once in a while.
Kind of the same message as some of the other guys. I still love my wife and she is a great person, but she lost interest in sex many years ago (maybe it is me????) and it was often painful to her. It has been about 15 + years since we have had sex. I finally started in this hobby about 10 years ago to give myself some sexual pleasure. I have met some wonderful ladies who have given me the pleasure that I seek. Sometimes I feel guilty, but what the hell. Now I am getting older (68), but still enjoy what some of our lady friends on this site can provide us. Thank you ladies.
You can only change you. First step:
1. What is a woman to you? In your post, you seem to be defining a woman as someone who has sex, and that is both wrong and unhelpful, especially for men because that view will never get them the respect that they so desire. Does a girl turn into a women when she has sex? No. And I guarantee men don't turn into men just when they have sex-or I've given men too much credit. You can be more than that! You can still change things around. Never give up if this is not how you want to live your life.
2. You are trying to make her horny, but that's not necessarily what makes her happy. What makes her happy could be tennis or you doing the dishes or her running... she knows. Do what makes her HAPPY and she might be more likely to want to make you happy, not because she's turned on but because she wants to make love to you all the time: making dinner and having little kisses between running to and fro. I don't need to cum to enjoy the hell out of myself.
I sincerely hope this helps you see other options,
TL
Excellent advice, Trinity. I bet you're an awesome coach.
As for your second point, it took me a while to figure out what gets my wife going. I can try to give her the perfect romantic night; I can say (what I think are) the sexiest words and bring her into the perfect candle-lit room that I think is the perfect romantic setting. She appreciates the effort and she'll go along with it, but I can tell she really doesn't care. But if I clean the house, she can't get enough of me. I just can't do it too often, otherwise the novelty would wear off. ;
Er...? It has to be asked...
The novelty of cleaning the house?
To get the sex of course
The novelty of cleaning the house?
I meant cleaning your house should never be a novelty.
I've read a few articles suggesting helping with the housework is a good way to the wife in the mood.
some studies say that a woman will see a man as less masculine if he does chores that are traditionally femal
Exactly!
In some cultures, men wouldn't ever be caught dead doing any of what Americans traditionally call the wife's work...dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc.
I'm not saying I agree or disagree with this. Just agreeing with JohnSmith.
There is a theory out there involving this. Some academician asserts that the Japanese, and other Asian, women that are brought to USA as a result of marriage become so upset by their loss of their cultural role that they develop anti-social behaviors. These include rejection of husband and isolating behaviors. Lucky for me (sarcasm) my wife was totally fine with me hiring house cleaners and nannies. The only thing she had left on the list to do was reject me, sleep and shop online.
I have heard of studies done where sometimes immigrants have a problem shopping in American stores because they are not used to having all the choices we typically have; back home they usually only had one choice for a given item. Some reports were that some of them actually left the store without buying anything.
And yes jchan I recall reading about your transition out of your marriage and I do honestly wish you the best in that. Divorce is a beeeaaatch for all involved.
But if you are looking to get her in the mood and the traditional methods aren't working, maybe breaking out the vacuum cleaner is worth trying. 
Don't housecleaners make $25 an hour? or does she actually have to see you doing the cleaning to get turned on?
Can't remember their prices but I get turned on by the naked housecleaners! The only area they clean is my bed and my shower and maybe an assorted other area or two if THEY are really dirty
You guys are going about this ALLLLLL wrong... Disclaimer: Like anatomy books, each individual is still arranged uniquely... it's just the average. The same goes for the following statement.
The wives "do" the sex because they feel it's their duty, Correct? Well, that isn't great for MOST men. The idea is that all women have to do is show up has circulated and been joked about for years. However, men wants to be WANTED! Correct? It's not in most people to be excited about fucking a breathing corpse. However, when you are just DOING stuff to get laid, what do you expect from her just laying there so she can get the house vacuumed?
Something has GOT to give. Come ON! Vacuum the house because you love your wife and want her to be happy. If you really search yourself, you will discover new and great things about your relationship.
If that is NOT the case, and she is just DONE, then it is in your court to decide what you want your life to look like in the future. If it is to be monogamous with someone who equally desires you, then you have to weigh that against the pain of divorce. For me, the pain was less than the pain of just staying for the sake of all the amenities of life. I went to BROKE as all hell, but that was better for me to go through than the rest of my life unhappy.
Go for the love, sex happens or you won't be monogamous. Monogamy means sleeping with only one person. However, if you don't even do that, what is it called? NO-nogamy? I've called it 'Roommates' for years.
Vacuum to love. Make love to love. "Let your yes be yes and your no be no." There are too many games.
With providers that I've helped over the years, I've constantly told them to just love people and not do this for the money. If you just focus on being present and loving the person you're with, the money just comes.
If two people love each other but have issues, fix the issues. The rest comes. If it doesn't, you haven't fixed the issues. You also HAVE to accept that you are only in control of the issues YOU can fix. You cannot fix her issues. You just have to make your own decisions about your own life.
TL
Very close. My situation is similar but goes beyond sex.
I still see her as a woman but I hold much resentment towards her for her actions and her pulling farther away from me.
I know how you feel and wish there was an easy solution.
I feel a marriage should be a loving partnership and I've tried like hell to repair what's left of this mess.
Not much else to say except thanks for all these wonderful TER women!
(Incoherent ramblings complete)
Good comments from all
A few sessions with me, and they'll be horny as hell. I've done this before, I'm a professional. Only send me the good looking one.
Read the sex surveys out there
Wanting you all to fall for the sob story...so he/she can gather his/her info as you spill you guts. Laughing out loud at this creative writing project as usual
I got married in my early 20's. She wasn't my first, yet I was her first. I really liked her... I loved her... and still do. I loved her enough to "wait until marriage", something she wanted. We did "mess around occasionally". We dated for the better part of a year before I proposed, and got married 9 months later. We were both exhausted on our wedding night, yet I was ready to go, however we did nothing but open up some cards and go to sleep. I figured the next night would be different.... Nope. The next night? nope. Fast forward until a couple days after we were back from our Honeymoon before anything happened (10 days after our wedding). Was it magical? Nope, not at all. She just laid there. Ok, I thought... she needs to learn what she likes, get more comfortable, etc. Things would have to get better with time, right? Nope.
Almost 15 years later, I really don't have an interest in a sexual relationship with her anymore. It's boring. Never received a BJ from her. Not once has she allowed me to head south on her. Foreplay consists of her laying there motionless while I rub her crotch. If she does manage to stay awake (Yes, on more than one occasion she has fallen asleep while I've got a finger buried deep), she hops and top and bounces away for a couple minutes before she's done... and I'm not. Our sex life has been like this the majority of our marriage. We haven't had sex in over a year and a half.
I started hobbying about 4 years ago, and initially felt bad being a married guy going outside his marriage for sex, but as time progressed, and the fun times I've had, I guess I'm not too worried anymore.
My wife? I don't think it makes her "not a woman" being totally uninterested in sex, but it could be the root cause of a lot of stress between us, at least on my end anyways.
But by the time we got divorced, we couldn't stand each other and the thought of having sex with her was repellent. My guess is she probably looked at me much the same way.
Seems half the guys on here are married
My wife has agreed to me having a girlfriend(s) if I didn't divorce her. This was her suggested solution, not mine. She would not allow escorts, but rub n tug would be ok. I didn't agree and filed for divorce. I didn't see the point of being married except for her financial support and a companion. An amicable divorce and alimony solves that.
I agree you should probably go your separate way but i'm no counselor. If she allows a gf somethings not right. Its confusing, you make the best decision
a person or her vagina? Did you promise to love her till death or love her vagina til death? I'm going to guess that to some woman shopping is just like sex to us guys. You should have figured out if she was like that before you married her. Not it's too fucking late, live up to your promises.
Flame on
I've been married a long time and we used to have the kind of sex you read about in Penthouse mag. Now we are too old and tired for that kind of action. I'm even at the point of quitting hobbying. We haven't had sex in years but we don't care. We don't have that kind of attraction for each other but we do still love each other very much. I can't imagine life with any one but her. I still have desires but they're waning fast. If my wife ever had an affair I wouldn't bitch about it because I've done it. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.