If we were to talk about today’s greatest automotive features, I think we could all agree that two really stand out above the rest: a roof-mounted rocket launcher and Ford’s keypad entry system.
Unfortunately, you cannot currently purchase a roof-mounted rocket launcher for civilian use. I know this because I went down to my local Plymouth-Jeep-Eagle dealer to inquire about it, and the people there said to me: Sir, this place has been a Dairy Queen for fourteen years.
So that leaves us with only one feature that stands out above the rest: Ford’s keypad entry system.
For those of you who don’t know about Ford’s keypad entry system, please allow me to educate you, as I often must do in my capacity as one of today’s most descriptive, illustrative, expressive automotive journalists. It is a system that provides entry with a keypad.
Here’s how it works. In a normal car, such as your Suzuki Verona, you have three options when you walk up to the door. Number one, you can press the key fob to unlock the door. Number two, you can put the key in the lock to unlock the door. And number three, you can walk away quickly because this isn’t your car. You don’t drive a Suzuki Verona. You drive a Honda Accord.
Well, if you have one of today’s excellent Ford products, you have one more option: you can walk up to your car, enter a code into a little keypad on the door — BEEP BOOP BEEP BAAP BOPE — and climb right in. It is little touches like this that have managed to keep Ford just slightly out of bankruptcy for the last 25 years.
Now, before I go any further with this column, I want to address a topic that I’m sure has crossed your mind. Namely: How did an entire car dealership become one single Dairy Queen? And the answer is, I don’t know. Maybe it’s a really big Dairy Queen. Maybe it’s a Dairy King. Maybe it’s a Dairy Royal Family, Including Camilla. God, you’re a nitpicky bastard.
Anyway, you might also be thinking: How could this keypad entry feature possibly be useful in any circumstances to my life? And this is an excellent question, because if you’ve been living life keypadentrylessly, you probably can’t fathom how such a thing could help you. It’s like when you buy a dishwasher. After a while, you’ll never know how you possibly got by without him.
So here are a few scenarios in which a keypad entry system might help you.
SCENARIO NUMBER ONE: You are one of these “health nuts” who likes to “jog” and “eat organic food” such as “paper.” So you bring your 2007 Ford Explorer to the park in order to have a nice, long run while wearing brightly colored clothing. The only problem? Because you are a dungeon keeper, you don’t want to take your keys with you!
So what you do is, you lock your keys in your car. In a normal car, this would be a huge problem, and you would have to resort to drastic measures to getting them out, such as breaking the window, or abandoning the car forever and moving on with your life. But in your Ford, you go have your run, you come back, and BEEP BOOP BEEP BAAP BOPE! You’re in!
Then you climb into your car, stick the key in the ignition, and go about your day. All thanks to Ford!
SCENARIO NUMBER TWO: You are a “wife” and you have a “husband” and you are going to a “function” but he is in the “bathroom” because he ate too many “Oreos.” Unfortunately, he has the keys to your 2009 Ford F-150 XLT Lariat Extended Cab StyleSide FlareBed, which means you cannot climb inside and secure your dog, Snarls Barkley, who will also be accompanying you to the function. So what do you do? BEEP BOOP BEEP BAAP BOPE! You’re in!
Then you secure Snarls, and you secure yourself, and your husband walks out just in time to drive away. All thanks to Ford!
SCENARIO NUMBER THREE: You are a contract killer and you are trying to carry out a hit on a human person, such as the guy who runs the laundromat, because he stained your favorite Kermit the Frog baseball cap. So you wait outside his house, and you monitor his every movement, and you figure out what his keypad code is, and then you show up one day at the laundromat with a gun and a silencer, and BEEP BOOP BEEP BAAP BOPE! You’re in!
Then you shout THIS ONE’S FOR KERMIT as you methodically pump bullet after bullet into his lifeless body. All thanks to Ford!
So as you can see this technology has a wide range of excellent uses, and I highly recommend that you purchase a car with it. I once had a 1996 Ford Explorer that possessed this feature, and I used it all the time when I was a high-schooler and I didn’t want to worry about my keys during baseball practice. What would happen is, at the end of practice, I would walk out to my car, and BEEP BOOP BEEP BAAP BOPE! I would be gone, away, vanished, at least four-tenths of a second faster than everyone else. All thanks to Ford!
Now if only they would come out with a roof-mounted rocket launcher. They could sell it as a fuel economy benefit, since you wouldn’t be stopping for traffic as much.
@DougDeMuro is the author of Plays With Cars. He owned an E63 AMG wagon and once tried to evade police at the Tail of the Dragon using a pontoon boat. (It didn’t work.) He worked as a manager for Porsche Cars North America before quitting to become a writer, largely because it meant he no longer had to wear pants. Also, he wrote this entire bio himself in the third person.