Meet the Trumps: they could just become America's first family

Ready to contemplate future dystopia?

Well, its seeming ever more likely that Donald Trump might actually win the Republican party nomination for president this year. Which means that it’s not at all unfeasible that he would become president of the United States of America. Which means that his family would be this country’s “first family”.

As famous as Trump as has been for the past 40 years, as well-covered as his sexual trysts and three marriages have been, the public doesn’t know very much about his family.

Here’s a little get-to-know-them.

Ivana Trump, 66

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Born in Czechoslovakia, a champion ski racer turned model, Ivana Zelnickova met rising real estate tycoon Donald Trump in New York and married him in 1977.

The couple had three children, Donald Jr, Ivanka and Eric Frederick, before the marriage fell apart in the late 1980s amid rumours that Donald was involved in an affair with model/actress Marla Maples.

Ivana memorably confronted Marla and Donald at Aspen in 1990 and the Trumps were divorced 1992.

Donald Jr, 37

Executive vice-president of the Trump Organization, Donald Trump, Jr is married, with five kids, to Vanessa Haydon, 38, bag designer and former tennis star at Dwight.

He’s pretty boring. Likes to hunt.

Ivanka, 34

Donald’s second child, Ivanka, 34, is the breakout star among the family. Executive vice-president of development & acquisitions at her father’s company, she has 1.79 million followers on Twitter!

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She’s a successful model, designer and author and in 2009 she converted to Judaism and married Jared Kushner, who has ruined the once highly esteemed newspaper the New York Observer, since acquiring it 10 years ago. The couple have two children and are expecting a third pretty much any day now.

Eric Frederick, 31

He kills endangered mega fauna on big-game hunting trips to Africa and bears, as noted on Twitter by Vice Sports’s David Roth, an uncanny resemblance to Kiefer Sutherland’s vampire gangleader role from Joel Schumacher’s 1987 movie, Lost Boys.

Eric married Lara Unaska, a 33-year-old horse rider and animal lover, two years ago at his father’s estate Mar-a-Lago in Palm Springs, Florida.

Marla Maples, 52

Born Cuhutta Georgia, Marla Maples married Donald Trump in 1993, and gave birth to a daughter, Tiffany, before they were divorced in 1999.

Marla has appeared in some movies, including Stephen King’s Maximum Overdrive in 1986 which featured the great AC/DC song Who Made Who, Executive Decision with Kurt Russell 10 years later, and Todd Solondz’s vomit-inducingly creepy (but really good!) Happiness in 1998.

In 2014, she released a new age music album, The Endless. The single, The Pearl begins with the words “She travels through time …” and Marla made a video for it that I highly recommend watching if you like snorkeling and yoga and want to feel as sad about yourself and the world, as Laura Dern usually did in the Enlightened (God, that show was the best!).

She still feels close to the Trumps, she says. “We watch the Apprentice and I cry when I see the kids on it. I’m crazy, I’m that emotional person!”

Same here, I guess. I am crying right now as I type this.

Tiffany, 22

A passionate Jason Derulo fan, Tiffany is finishing her senior year at University of Pennsylvania. She completed an internship at Vogue magazine recently and, in 2011, released her own debut single, Like a Bird, with collaborators $pr!te and Logiq, that also deals with the subject of time travel.

Here’s an extract from the lyrics to the song, as transcribed at the website ReverbNation.

Diamonds are so shimmery

Special things uncover me

You know whatcha say

Baby, baby, Don’t you go!

Everybody’s “partying”

Obsessing over crazy things

I just want serenity

While “living it up.”

Melania, 45

Born in Slovenia, 1970, model Melania Knauss married Donald in 2005, the same year she appeared as the Bride of Frankenstein opposite Gilbert Godfried’s Aflac Duck character in an Aflac Insurance commercial.

Here is a quote from her official bio at her official website:

“In February 2010, Melania Trump announced the launch of her debut jewelry collection with QVC, ‘Melania™ Timepieces & Jewelry’. In March 2013, Melania has added to her already extensive resume her Skin Care Collection, ‘Melania™ Caviar Complexe C6.”

I think the word “Melania” sounds much too much like the word “melanoma” to name a skin care company after, don’t you? Also, do you think that there’s real caviar in that stuff?

Barron, 9

Born March, 2006, Donald’s youngest son likes to wear sweatpants (nice!). And he likes to play tennis (cool), baseball (awesome!), but also, sadly, his dad’s favorite sport, golf (boo!).