1. Aquarium by @murrman5
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
2. Any Last Words by @Brampersandon_
*tightens straps on electric chair* Any last words? -I think male oysters should be called boysters Omg will someone throw the damn switch
3. Paris Review by @TriciaLockwood
.@parisreview So is Paris any good or not
4. Four Eels by @JNalv
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
5. Lee Harvey Oswald by @meganamram
By the time he was my age, Lee Harvey Oswald had already shot a PRESIDENT. i haven't even shot a normal person
6. Owls by @joejwest
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
7. Take Your Husband's Name by @danimgrace
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
8. Just Wave by @Reverend_Scott
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe. Biden: IMMA POINT AT'EM Obama: Please just wave. Biden:
9. No More Tears by @ScottLinnen
Drinking this No More Tears shampoo is just making me sadder.
10. Dog Job Interview by @SirEviscerate
DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
11. BOYFRIEND by @amfmpm
B rave O pen minded Y es he is mine F ather material R eal smart I ntuituve E ats pigeons N o belly button D eafening shreiks
12. Of Course I Can Paint Your Ceilings by @davedittell
"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
13. The Catcher in the Rye by @david8hughes
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
14. Nervous Around the Person You Like? by @MindyFurano
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
15. Shipwrecked Diary by @murrman5
*shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: I have married the crab. Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
16. Magician by @jonnysun
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
17. Skeleton by @robdelaney
Weird that inside each of us is a skeleton that will one day wander the earth carrying a rusty sword.
18. He Died Doing What He Loved by @keetpotato
he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest
19. I Came to Get Down by @UpturnedBathtub
I came to get down I came to get down So get out your seats and jumper hound Jumper hound Jumper hound Jumper hound
20. She Wears Short Skirts by @AnnDabromowitz
She wears short skirts I'm the bleachers She's cheer captain and I am the bleachers
21. Well Well Well by @mattingebretson
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn't the family whose house I've broken into
22. My Name's Philippe by @philyuck
My name’s Philippe and I like to rap I’m still a beginner and I like to rap
23. Oh Hi Becky by @iamchrisscott
Oh hi Becky who refused to kiss me during spin the bottle in 6th grade & now wants to play FarmVille, looks like tables have fucking turned
24. Sorry I Just Saw Your Text by @Home_Halfway
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
25. Do You Have a Second by @RJSzczerba
"Excuse me Sir, do you have a second to talk about our lord and savior, Godzilla"
26. Have To Stop by @wolfpupy
have to stop saying "how am i going to kill my way out of this one" everytime there is trouble going on, or at least not out loud
27. Olive Garden by @bobvulfov
[getting thrown out of olive garden] OLIVES GROW ON TREES SO TECHNICALLY IT SHOULD BE OLIVE ORCHARD *flipping tables* WHEN UR HERE UR STUPID
28. Surprise Your Partner by @bridger_w
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
29. Judas by @david8hughes
Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
30. You're Breaking Up With Me? by @Fred_Delicious
You're breaking up with me because I "don't put food in the correct things?" WTF? After I've JUST made you a delicious bowl of toast??
31. Dentist Awards by @thenatewolf
*Ted receiving best dentist award at the dentist awards* This is the only plaque that's allowed in my house *laughter* You the king, Ted!
32. Can You Imagine? by @Ristolable
Can you imagine if a bird got on a plane and sat in one of the seats? I'd absolutely lose it. "You don't need to be here" I'd say
33. Not Jesus by @LucybelleH
Mum, that's not a picture of Jesus
34. Harry Potter by @jonseven3
Harry Potter wakes up in hospital. "Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor. "You ran face first into a wall lmao"
35. Funeral by @murrman5
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will...we will..miss you"
36. Hi, Grandma? by @ch000ch
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
37. If You're Asking Me to Choose @ingmarbirdman
if your literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door