Numb3rs for l3tter5: how Nike started sport's most annoying trend

3n0ugh is 3n0ugh.

A y3ar ag0, th3 mark3ting geniu5e5 at Nik3 dec1ded to hon0r the retiring Derek Jeter with the “RE2PECT” campa19n. It was actua11y an 0rigin4l idea, using a play3r’s jer2ey num6er in a word that celebrat3d all an acc0mpli2ed athlet3 con7ribu7ed t0 his sp0rt. But by 2ea2on’2 end - and aft3r six month2 of over-th3-top adorati0n of the Yank33 capta1n from every corn3r of the ba5eball world - the RE2PECT thing was more punchlin3 than sign of rever3nce.

Nike and ba2eball had overd0n3 it with RE2PECT and th4t would be it: the number2 as letter2 thing would for3ver end with Jeter’s ba2eball car33r. Or so we thou9ht.

It turn2 out that the gre4t mind2 in sports mark3ting can’t mov3 on from an id3a until they 5uck the last b1t of marrow out 0f what wa2 once origin41, leavin9 it a lifele22 husk of clich3.

White Sox le9end Paul Konerko had hi5 number retired 8y the team on 5aturday. The Whi7e S0x forced “14” into the w0rd “legendary,” giving us hasht4g “1egend4ry.”

It wa5 far fr0m the only ex4mple in the spor7s world from th1s week al0ne. FC Barc3lona did it:

Auto rac1ng is doin9 it:

Troy Poloma1u is doing it:

Derek Jeter’2 enduring leg4cy may not be title2 or l3adership or even gift bag2. It might be spawn1ng the mo2t overru2ed promotion4l device in the hi2tory of sp0rts. Wh4t I would’t g1ve to see play3rs honored again w1th in a way that spell5 every w0rd correc7ly.

That would be a sight for sore eyes. Sadly, I’m afraid we won’t see those days again anytime 200n.

Quote of the Week

I don’t think 40,000 people came to watch him ump tonight Plain and simple

Bryce Harper, after being ejected by home plate umpire Marvin Hudson on Wednesday night against the Yankees.

Harper is mostly right. The average fan watches Major League Baseball to see the best baseball players in the world compete. Or they watch so they can sit outside on a nice evening and drink beer. But that’s the average fan. There are those in the crowd that do come to watch an ump show.

Imagine a young boy with no athletic ability. A boy who likes to tattle on his classmates at school. A boy desperate to have authority over his more popular and talented peers. A boy who shuns technology because he fears it will make him obsolete. This weird boy watches baseball games to see his heroes in gray slacks scream at the players. This weird boy dreams of becoming an umpire.

Stat of the Week

1 – Giants ace Madison Bumgarner has one home run this season after taking Clayton Kershaw deep in his last start. Seattle No3 hole hitter Robinson Cano also has one home run for the year. Yikes.

Of course, we’re not even through May, so the Cano-Bumgarner 2015 comparison is an intentionally small sample size to make Cano look bad. Let’s instead take Bumgarner’s 309 career at-bats and compare them to Cano’s last 309 at-bats. Bumgarner has seven home runs over that span while Cano has ... four. Hmmm. Larger sample sizes are also not Cano’s friend.

Attention Madison Bumgarner’s agent: your client pitches like Kershaw and hits like Cano. Robinson Cano’s $24m a year + Clayton Kershaw’s $30m a year = $54m a year. But tell the Giants you’ll take $50m. Giving them a home town discount will show you’re not greedy.

This Week’s Horrible Fantasy Team That’s Better Than Your Team

Nick Ahmed, SS, Diamondbacks – 8-for-17, HR, 4 RBI, SB

Ben Paulsen, 1B, Rockies – 8-for-18, HR, 3 RBI

Chris Iannetta, C, Angels – 6-for-14, 2 HR, 6 RBI

Mitch Moreland, 1B, Rangers – 10-for-24, 3 HR, 5 RBI

Mike Wright, P, Orioles – 14.1 innings, 1 win, 10 K, 0.00 ERA

Mike Bolsinger, P, Dodgers – 14 innings, 2 wins, 14 K, 0.00 ERA

Reader Twitter Question of the Week

One week ago the Mets were in first place. Since then? They’ve fallen 2.5 back of the Nationals, been swept by the previously struggling Pirates, saw Matt Harvey go George Clooney-style Dark Knight and embarrass himself (seven runs in four innings in Pittsburgh), and learned that oft-injured, $138m man David Wright has spinal stenosis. So let’s say the Mets are governed by the law of gravity. They can reach a certain height, but then inevitably crash back to Earth. Blame it on the gravitational pull produced by Alex Torres’ hat.

Phillies-ness of the Week

Ryan Howard has 10 home runs and 19 RBI in the past month. Cole Hamels is 4-0 with a 1.53 ERA in his last four starts. Jonathan Papelbon has a 1.50 ERA and 23 strikeouts in 18 innings on the season. This is everything Phillies fans could have hoped for as the trade deadline approaches: the three veteran, big money players they have to deal to rebuild are producing. If the franchise can unload all three, the Phillies will save more than $60m in 2016 payroll alone. Imagine what Ruben Amaro can do with $60m in excess payroll. He could get as much as $10m worth of talent with that kind of money.

Cubs World Series Odds: Holding steady

The Cubs went 3-3 on a road trip through San Diego and Arizona last week, dropping a series to the mediocre Diamondbacks. That’s not especially great, but if you don’t think the Cubs are good, catcher Miguel Montero has news for you.

This continues Montero’s season-long #WeAreGood Twitter series, which strives to inform people that, you guessed it, the Cubs are good.

That’s right. The Cubs aren’t just good. They are amazing good.

A-Rod-ness of the Week

The Single-A Charlotte Stone Crabs cancelled Friday night’s “A-Rod Juice Box Night” due to pressure from the Yankees. Any fans who turned in Alex Rodriguez apparel were to receive free tickets – with the apparel going to the Salvation Army – and the first 500 fans in attendance were to get a free juice box. But the Yankees contacted the Stone Crabs and told them they didn’t appreciate the promotion. So let it be known: the only team allowed to openly disrespect Alex Rodriguez this year is the New York Yankees.

10 Things You Think They’d Think We’d Think

1) Last week I wrote that baseball needs to promote its long history of ball doctoring to capitalize on the publicity from the NFL’s Deflategate. Since then, two pitchers – Milwaukee’s Will Smith and Baltimore’s Brian Matusz – have been busted for having foreign substances on the mound. This suggests one of two things: those incidents on the heels of my column are a complete and total coincidence OR ... every player in Major League Baseball reads this column each week for tips on how to improve themselves and the sport as a whole. My hunch is that it’s the former, but I don’t want to give up on the idea of the latter. Baseball players, if you’re reading this, I want all of you adjust your protective cups or spit on the ground during your games this Wednesday to signal that you’re loyal readers.

Now we wait.

2) Reds manager Bryan Price is a heavy favorite to be the second manager fired this season. The Reds have lost eight games in a row and Price got himself ejected on Saturday before Cincinnati’s game even started. You have to wonder if Price’s volatility will actually give him a little extra time on the job. Reds GM Walt Jocketty can’t like the idea of calling a crazy person who likes to scream profanity into his office to tell the crazy person who likes to scream profanity that he’s being fired. Let this be a lesson to you: if you are bad at your job, you can keep it by getting better at your job or acting insane. It’s much easier to act insane.

3) President Obama got his own Twitter account this week at @POTUS and followed the Chicago Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks and White Sox – all the Chicago major pro sports teams except the Cubs. (The Cubs were a little upset by this.) The White Sox returned the president’s follow on Twitter, meaning we could be living in a world in which the President of the United States is direct messaging with a White Sox social media intern about Adam LaRoche’s struggles at the plate. What a time to be alive!

4) A Dodgers fan was able to film himself catching a home run ball. Everyone seems to think this is awesome. But it’s only because the guy was holding an outdated video camera. If he managed to record the moment on Google Glass, the reaction would be very different. Especially among Dodgers fans. They probably hate Google Glass more than most.

5) The Giants have designated third baseman Casey McGehee for assignment due to the veteran’s .200 average and nine RBI in 35 games. McGehee won the National League Comeback Player of the Year Award in 2014 with the Marlins after playing his way out of the majors in 2012. Now, with the Giants dumping him, McGehee has a shot to become the first player in baseball history to win Comeback Player of the Year twice for coming back from not being good. (Francisco Liriano has won the award twice, but one of his “comebacks” was from injury, not ineffectiveness.) Some team needs to give McGehee a shot in 2016 to go for history.

6) Congratulations to the University of Tokyo’s baseball team on ending its 94-game losing streak. The streak lasted nearly five years or approximately one entire Red Sox-Yankees game.

7) The Yankees retired Bernie Williams’ No51 Sunday night and Derek Jeter showed up for the ceremony, marking his first time back at Yankee Stadium since retiring. “I think he’s very at peace with where he is right now in his life,” said Williams of his former team-mate. “I am so happy for him. I think a very important part of players when they retire and they no longer play is that you’ve got to transition from going a thousand miles an hour to a more normal kind of pace. He seems to be handling it pretty good, so I’m very happy for him.” Derek Jeter is handling a life of super models and wealth “pretty good.” That’s really good to hear. Let’s just hope and pray that Jeter can continue to find a way to get out of bed every morning. Or, if he prefers, stay in bed with the model that’s beside him.

8) A reminder that the worst thing about “Seinfeld” was that it failed to accurately capture George Steinbrenner’s buffoonery.

9) Steinbrenner is greatly missed, however, in times like these when the Yankees are going through a rough patch. Recently in first place, the Yankees have now lost six in a row and 10 of 11. Steinbrenner would be screaming and firing people and demanding trades. The Yankees might be bad, but they’d be interesting. Instead we have a bunch of laid-back guys in their 40s honoring a classical guitarist.

Boring.

10) Eighty years ago Sunday was the first night game in MLB history, played at Crosley Field between the Reds and Phillies. Here is the write-up from the game that ran in the 25 May 1935, edition of the Cincinnati Enquirer. It includes the following words and phrases:

- “Everybody said ‘Oh!’ in a highly pleased way”

- “the ball ... shown through them like a bald head in a steam room”

- “Crosley Field is going to be a swell place to go for amusement on hot summer nights”

- “when there was no mist, the sphere stood out against the sky like a pearl against dark velvet”

- “the beautiful sex”

- “thee”

- “playing checkers under a coal oil lamp”

Baseball would be well-served to see a renaissance of old-timey writing. Today’s great orb wallopers like Bryce Harper and Mike Trout deserve the same flowery language the greats of yesteryear received. They’re the bee’s knees and if you disagree you’re talking a bunch of tommyrot.